I think I may be a racist? **Trigger Warning**

[Complexico]

Trigger warning for mention of child abuse.

Please try and be gentle with me, and I am already grateful if anyone can offer constructive advice on how to fix this. Basically, I am not attracted to two races and the thought of having any sort of close/sexual relationship with these two races absolutely makes me want to vomit, my skin shivers, I have intense physical reactions. Men from both ethnicities were involved in prolonged abuse of me whilst I was a child so there is sort of some rational reason behind it.

However, I hate this part of myself. Is there anything I can do about it?
Is it racism or reasonable?

YABU- Racism, please do something about it.
YANBU - Rational, this is totally understandable.

Not racist in any way. Attraction is something very personal. Otherwise straight people could be called homophobic etc. Attraction has nothing to do with any isms. You can't choose who you are attracted to. Unfortunately some people try to politicise everything, even basic human desire.

How are you with people of those ethnicities in general life? I mean you say it is the thought of a close/sexual relationship that repulses you so say it was the man who served you in the bank would that be an issue? I don't think you are racist because you don't want a sexual relationship with someone of a certain race, if it means you can't have any sort of normal business interaction it is obviously more of an issue.

What is it was a woman of that race? Say another mum at school started chatting to you would that be OK.

If it is just the thought of sex with someone well that isn't racist, you aren't obliged to have sex with anyone of any race.

I just read the OP @Complexico. This is not racisim. This is something called PTSD. Gentle Hugs from across the pond

My friend was groomed & raped by a man in his 60s, even after trauma therapy and CBT she can't stand being around older men with grey hair. In her traumatized mind, they are/could be pedophiles.

This doesn't make her ageist, and she realises that belief is not true, but trauma
like that unfortunately leave these kind of scars.

I don't think its racist whether you were abused or not. That said, I think you should see someone about it because it sounds like its affecting you quite badly

Associating all men of those races with what happened to you is racist.

If you had been raped by a man of your race, do you think you would feel same way?

Terrible what happened to you still.

Absolutely stunned that anyone thinks this is racist.

Of course you are not racist you are traumatised

And not being attracted to a certain race is not racist anyway

As others have said, anyone is allowed to sexually reject anyone for any reason they want. And you have very good reason.

Forgot to say not being personally attracted is your own thing of course but associating people of whole race with the behaviour of your attackers is what's racist. It'll no doubt shape your opinion on these races, preconceived what not

You're definitely not racist, OP, you're traumatised by what you went through as a child and it sounds like you have PTSD. I am similarly triggered after suffering SA as a child. I get horribly triggered by men with beards or moustaches, or elderly men who have shown too much interest. Because my DSis and I were abused by my F and others in the paedophile ring he was part of.

But in my case, it's a physical characteristic that I'm repulsed by rather than a race, which is easier to cope with. (Although my BIL has a beard and moustache and I do feel triggered when it comes to normal greetings.)

It's horrible, OP, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I have found therapy beneficial, and I recommend that you look into it for yourself, to help you come to terms with what you went through as a child.

OP, you need to be a bit kinder to yourself as you are not racist. You have experienced a significant trauma and that doesn't heal quickly. Really positive that you are getting support with this and in time will have less if a reaction to particular races than you do currently. Wishing you well.

I apologise, I've just seen your post where you say that you have had help, and have had a trauma diagnosis, which is what I had. It's a long journey, but your life will get better with time.

Forgot to say not being personally attracted is your own thing of course but associating people of whole race with the behaviour of your attackers is what's racist. It'll no doubt shape your opinion on these races, preconceived what not

It's completely involuntary. Another poster has said it's suits, another has said it's beards/moustaches and one has said it's elderly men. The race is just what's triggering for the OP.

Not racist and I'm a mix of black, white and Indian. Definitely not racist. I hope you've sought help x

I completely understand how you feel
After being sexually assaulted at work I havent been able to work with someone of the same ethnicity without being terrified.
It is absolutely horrible it makes me feel like a bad person.
I'm sorry you're going through this but it's not your fault you feel like this and I definitely dont see it at racist.

Associating all men of those races with what happened to you is racist.

I’ll say it again. That’s nonsense, as the OP doesn’t sit there thinking, that man is (insert race) so he’s definitely going to be a rapist. Her response in completely involuntary. You obviously know very little about ptsd.

If you had been raped by a man of your race, do you think you would feel same way? What a bloody heartless question to ask a victim of rape. She wasn’t, so therefore your question is mute. You’re just one step away from victim blaming.

Not wanting to have sex with a white/black/Indian/Thai/whatever man because your experience makes you feel sick at the thought and declining any dates = not racist.

Saying that all white/black/Indian/Thai/whatever men are rapists and they make you sick = racist.

Refusing to be served in a shop by a white/black/Indian/Thai/whatever man, refusing urgent medical treatment from them, refusing to be in the same room as them at work because they make you sick = racist without the context of PTSD and unreasonable with it.

Telling somebody else that their husband being white/black/Indian/Thai/whatever makes you sick, they're all rapists and you are disowning them unless they get a divorce = racist even with the context.

To have a strong reaction, depending upon whether it is restricted to not wanting to have sex with somebody of that ethnicity again or whether it is the not being able to work, speak, receive medical treatment from, or try to control other people's choices, is something you need to address with experienced professionals, as that is unrealistic/unsustainable/horrendously stressful and yes, will be hurtful to innocent people if they are aware of your reaction.

Think of it - somebody was treated badly by a person who looks vaguely like you - well, was generally a similar skin and hair tone - and you say hello on their first day at work, they throw up. It's hurtful, isn't it? Being told 'I was abused by somebody with (for example) blonde hair, so I don't want you sitting at the next desk and can you not ever speak to me again?' would be unrealistic and hurtful. Because you weren't the person that hurt them and you wouldn't dye your hair so they weren't upset by your existence.

Please, get as much counselling/treatment as you can, as to have that strong reaction could be absolutely crippling if it continues.

But I will stress again that who you choose to form a sexual/romantic relationship with is completely and utterly your choice. 'No' is all that's required there. No explanation, no justification is needed. Just 'No'.

YANBU (and wouldn't be feeling this way I'm sure, if not for the abuse).

Yanbu. You can't help how your experiences have shaped you.

for you OP. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

As for your question, no, it does not make you racist. Even if you hadn't suffered any trauma, it's perfectly normal to find some physical types attractive and others not. In everyday life you shouldn't discriminate against people or treat them differently due to their race, but physical attraction is a very personal thing and you can't make yourself be attracted to someone if you're not. This would be true regardless of what had happened to you in the past.

You can stop beating yourself up about it.

Even if you had not been abused by men of a different ethnicity to yourself, there is nothing wrong with being repulsed at the thought of a sexual relationship with someone of a particular ethnicity.

We are often initially attracted by looks and, if you find a particular look unattractive, that is perfectly okay. Just as it is okay to not be sexually attracted to men with blonde/red/ mousy/brown/dark hair.

Obviously, your dreadful experiences have impacted your views and feed your repulsion. That is understandable. I am so sorry you were abused.

You're not racist, you're being triggered as a result of trauma.

To be clear, any and all women are allowed to be attracted or not attracted to, have sexual contact with or not have sexual contact with whomever they please for any reason they may have whatsoever. That is an absolute boundary.

Sexual attraction is a complex thing. I have a very specific type- white males,long dark hair, v tall. Everyone I have ever found attractive falls into that category...no idea why.

I was SA by someone that reeked of stale cigarette smoke

I dislike smoking and the smell of a heavy smoker.
I will actively avoid someone with that particular odour (a specific rank, stale smoke smell, not all smokers) that reminds me of the rapist; experience similar feelings to what you've said about wanting to vomit.

Nothing in your post makes me assume that you're racist.