sex leaflets for teenagers

[time4me]

My sister gave my 17 year old daughter two leaflets about contraception.She has been going out with her 18 year old boyfriend for 8 months.One said she had a choice but here are the facts about where and how to get contraception.The other was a stark leaflet about contraception.There was no indication that there was a choice.
It was given to my daughter without my knowledge.I have told my sister that I appreciate she has my daughters best interests at heart but I dont want her to be given leaflets that dont give another point of view,as I dont want her to feel a freak if she isnt having sex.My sister has said that knowledge is power and she felt that as her aunty she wanted to help her with having knowledge.I told my sister that part of me felt she was intruding,and that I wouldnt give a leaflet to my neice for instance telling her not to have sex,but if I felt that way inclined I would give her a leaflet that explained that there was a choice and that that choice should be respected,and here are the facts about contraception.
Needless to say,DH feels I shouldn`t have said anything and my daughter just thinks I am mad because she has seen far far worse at school! What do you think?!

I agree with nappiesgalore when she said that these leaflets are the sort of factual information that should be made available to your dd.

The confidence to make her own choices and to resist any peer or boyfriend pressure re; sex, I think has to come from her upbringing and from pro-active work by her parents to TELL her these things and to instil that sense of self worth that means you value yourself and make good choices because of that.

Leaflets cannot undermine her, they can only inform her; and she receives that information within the context of her own beliefs, etc. So it's not a bad thing she was given them in my view; she needs this information at some point, if not now.

YABU.

At 17, your daughter will be well aware that she can say NO, the amount of adverts and lessons at school that concentrate on peer pressure, she'd have to have had her head stuck in the sand her whole time at secondary school NOT to know there is the choice to say no.

Quite frankly, the different types of contraceptive available is information that was lacking, and the info i had was patchy and not well informed at all.

You need to realise your daughter is 17, not 7 and this is information she SHOULD have, wether she chooses to say NO or not.

you know, the more i read from you, time4me, the more i do respect your position tbh. my parents had a v liberal approach to my teenage years. they trusted me i guess. but i think they were a little naive about the amounnt of trouble i could and was getting into... i love and respect them and their appraoch...but personally,i think alittle more structure and support would have been good for me. i had vlow self esteem, which i guess i didnt show to them (have always been a 'coper' or actor more like)... and i didnt have the self beleif and strength to stand up for myself and take better care of me.
i also shared a lot of their v liberal views on sex and it was a shock when i found out the hard way that not the rest of the world is quite so healthy about it, that there are some sick and twisted people out there, and that teenage boys will do anything just to get in your pants and no, you will generally not be made to feel to special afterwards.

your dd souns as though she is coming at early adulthood froma stronger position than that, and that is a marvellous thing.

i stand by the last post i made; trust her. i think youve done a fine job, and now communication and trust (and information) are the order of the day.

My SIL's grandparents sent her a clipping from the newspaper about the rise in chlamydia among young women when she was around the same age. Now that was embarassing (it was an interesting article, but the idea that your grandparents are sitting around over their tea and scones discussing the possible sex life of their teenage grandchildren...)

Laughed about the twinset Time4me and wondering if you are Twinset&pearls in disguise. Am more the FuriousthatddhasnickedmybestjeansAGAIN mother myself. And you are lucky to find me in matching socks, never mind twinset. Really agree with you re being her mother not her friend. Nancy Friday also takes this view in her book about mother & daughter relationships.

PCSMUM - why is abstinence 'nonsense'? Many many young people decide for all sorts of reasons to wait either for a little while or a much longer while before having sex. That has to something a young person decides for themselves, but why discount it totally? Telling someone they should or must abstain is not helpful, but neither is saying that 'any kind of abstinence messages are a bit silly'.

For what it's worth, we have told our children about what we see as the various benefits of not having sex at a too-young age and before being in an adult, long-term relationship. But we have also told them that sex is a great part of such an adult, long-term relationship and that anyone even vaguely thinking of entering into a sexual relationship must think about contraception and protection against sexually transmitted diseases.

I dont know how many of you have missed it but there is a kind of 'craze' amongst many teenagers (mainly cos their favourite bands do it) to become sXe (which means straight edge) They do not agree with alcohol,drugs or having any form of casual sex, sex is seen as a big thing in these groups and rightly so, for all we know time4me's daughter could be in this group.
Btw, it sounds like a little fad but I know many of my nieces friends are in fact sXe (cos their fave band promotes it)

Straight Edge is a very popular movement in the US, and i have several friends over there who follow the ideal, one of whom is 42 and has been part of it since it first started out.

wether its a fad or not, i don't think its a bad thing for our kids to decide they want to follow.

me neither, I'm just saying that time4mes daughter could easily be in favour of abstinence and people saying such a lifestyle is ridiculous is at the very least unfounded.

portonov - abstinence is not nonsense, god, sorry, i keep falling over myself on this thread and not explaining myslef properly at all! When i meant 'abstinence type message's or whatever I put, I meant the ones that preach no sex to teenagers, as a method of protecting them from STDs and unwanted pregnancies etc, as an ALTERNATIVE to contraception. I just think they are unrealistic and lead kids to make dangerous choices. I speak from experience.

I will tell my kids its ok to have sex, its ok not to have sex, they should do what they feel happy with, but i think they probably will have sex, younger than i would like them to, and so they will all be informed of the full range of contraceptivbe choices open to them by me and dh to ensure they know they are there and they are not embarassing.

Abstinence messages (by which I don't mean just saying 'its ok not to have sex' i meant the ones that say 'do not have sex until you are married.' and thats all, they don't mention 'but if you do...uyse contracpetion etc' have undeniably led to the spread of AIDS throughout AFrica as people are not told about contraception, they are told to abstain, and they don't, becasuie sex is a natural human instinct, that is hard to abstain from, espceciallyt when going thru puberty with hormones thru the roof etc.

I really don't mean to offend.
I suppose I am so entrenched in my views on this, and I talk largely to people who share my views, that I am using shorthand often and not explaning myslef, so people are attributing meanings to my words which I don't mean, but which it could be understandable to interpret them as meaning.

phew,

PSCMUM as this thread is unravelling you and I are coming together.Talking about your own experiences is helpful.I like reading the strong comments because you are being truthful,not trying to be nice,so that gives me confidence in mumsnet.I hate it when people sayOh you are so old-fashioned.I dont say Oh you are far too liberalPoor teenage girls made too feel a freak because they have decided not to have full sex with their boyfriend.The leaflet was assuming she had definatly decided to have sex,no preamble at all. My sister knows I am conservative.She asked me whether I knew if my dd was having sex.I think it is very personal and also you know what a familys culture (cant think of the word)is,so I wouldnt give my vegan friend son of 17 a leaflet on where to get the best cuts of meat.Its as if she is saving my daughter from me.Its insulting and insensitive to wade in like that.One leaflet yes,not the other.I feel undermined.

I am now very wary of making assumptions about the nature of other people's relationships.

Once when I was a student sharing a flat, my flatmate's friend came to visit us with her boyfriend on a motorbike. We arranged things so that they could share a room and bed. Felt very silly and embarrassed when we discovered our assumption that they were having sex was wrong. Their relationship had not got that far yet. They were both well over 16 too.

Morningpaper, sorry to hear you had a bad experience discussing contraception with a doctor. Reminds me of the time when I, as a married woman of 25 went to my doctor to change the method I was using and she said "Why do you want to change it, are you having an affair?"

Perhaps I should start another thread about inappropriate things said in the doctor's consulting room

TIme4Me: interesting comparision there that I think gets right to the core of the issue. If the 17-year-old child of a vegan decided that he/she wanted to eat meat, he/she might well seek information from someone a step or to outside the family. YOur DD at 17 is old enough to make her own choices. They aren't necessarily going to be the choices you would make for her, but it's best that she makes them from a well-informed position.
PCSMum: I'm with you: choosing to abstain from sex is up to the individual, 'abstinence' sex education programmes are moronic, misogynistic disasters.

I don't think any one is against Time4me's dd making her own choices or being informed. The aunt could have indicated her availability to give information without imposing it unasked.

Elastic,thanks for the story,I had a similar experience in reverse!I told my flatmate her boyfriend could have my room if he was coming to stay the weekend as I was going home for the weekend.She said oh where is the fun in that?I was mortified.She didn`t know him that well but wanted hot sex with him all weekend,in her bed!Fair enough she was in her early twenties.I really feel stupid when I look back!

These students eh, hot shag having known him 5 mins. That was me 28 years ago. Still with same hot shag, silver wedding anniversary this year.

Congratulations,mine too!

Congrats too, Time4m; are you celebrating with a party or anything?

Yes Elastic but just a small family do at our house because Ive had enormous dos in function rooms in the past ( last one for ds`s 18th) and I find them too expensive and stressful.How about you?

Elasticwoman,is the book you mentioned called My mother myself? Could you let me have the title as it sounds very interesting.Thanks!

Yes, it is My Mother My Self, now you mention it. I couldn't remember the title before. What I took away from that book was that mother/daughter confidences about each other's sexual relationships is not a good idea. That's not the same as talking about sexual matters in general, which I believe is a good idea.

We have invited loads of family members to an informal do at our house. I only hope they can't all make it, or we'll be swamped!
I am sure dh will make an embarrassing speech about how he took me off the shelf and dusted me down when I was 18.

Thanks for that.Sounds lovely that your dh will make a speech,Im hoping that mine will say something,he always leaves it to me and I cant see it being any difference this time.At my son`s 18th,I got too choked up,very embarrassing,and I am sure I will do the same again!