sex leaflets for teenagers

[time4me]

My sister gave my 17 year old daughter two leaflets about contraception.She has been going out with her 18 year old boyfriend for 8 months.One said she had a choice but here are the facts about where and how to get contraception.The other was a stark leaflet about contraception.There was no indication that there was a choice.
It was given to my daughter without my knowledge.I have told my sister that I appreciate she has my daughters best interests at heart but I dont want her to be given leaflets that dont give another point of view,as I dont want her to feel a freak if she isnt having sex.My sister has said that knowledge is power and she felt that as her aunty she wanted to help her with having knowledge.I told my sister that part of me felt she was intruding,and that I wouldnt give a leaflet to my neice for instance telling her not to have sex,but if I felt that way inclined I would give her a leaflet that explained that there was a choice and that that choice should be respected,and here are the facts about contraception.
Needless to say,DH feels I shouldn`t have said anything and my daughter just thinks I am mad because she has seen far far worse at school! What do you think?!

I'd be quite cross about that. Mind you, I'd have given her enough information in the first place that she'd have gone through the leaflets correcting any mistakes and pointing and laughing at the trite images.

However on a positive side your daughter may well feel able to talk to your sister about problems (is it possible she has confided in her and that's why your sister has intervened?)

Thanks whomoved,yes I do feel a bit cross,theres no way my daughter would confide in her,but theres the rub,I think my sister would rather like it if she did!

I think that at 17 the leaflets are probably completely redundant unless your dd is incredibly sheltered. Given your comments about the relationship between your daughter and your sister, I'd be more inclined to put it down to well meaning but not incredibly bright (or not understanding of teenagers anyway). However it's nice that she would like to be there for your dd isn't it?

Ah I see, she's trying to be 'special auntie'.

She'll be lending her lipstick next!

I wouldn't worry too much but say to DD 'how embarrassing that your auntie is so obsessed with sex'!

Hopefully she'll repeat it parrot fashion to your sister and she'll butt out in future.

time4me, i think your sisters intentions were as you say, to try and set her self up as a confidante for your dp. I just think that teenagers find it difficult to talk to people about sex on a personal level fall stop. In general i think they are ok with it but when it comes to themselves i think they are incredably shy.

I think you should be happy that at least your dd has access to some sound contraception information. The thing is, i dont think leaflets can give the sort of emotional advice our childen need about if they are ready for sex. I know my dd is sexually active, i try and get her to come to the docs with me for contraception but she just gets too embarrased to talk to me about it, i think she has gone herself to be honest, im hoping so. I think you can set yourself up as offering emotional support, just by talking to her about her relationship with her boyfriend. But to be honest, its best to let her make her own decisions, it sounds like a serious (as it can be at that age) relationship and hopefully they are mature enough to sort themselves out in that way. Its not very nice to think of our children growing up is it, we want to make sure they dont make monster mistakes but it is just at the time we have to take a step back, its hard.

I think intentions were likely to be good but you should definitely have had the chance to discuss this before it happened.

No harm done though is there - she will have a little bit of info which is a GOOD thing even if she has seen it all before.

Only shame perhaps is that she didn't see you taking time to offer her this advice, or maybe you did in an alternative fashion???

I think Auntie should have asked you first, and if necessary, given the leaflets to you to give your dd. What made her think your dd was not already clued up about such things?

If I were your dd I'd have been v embarrassed that Aunty was speculating about my sex life. Even more so, if the relationship was such that contraception was not needed. Yes, Aunty was intruding, imo.

Thanks very much for all the very interesting takes on this.
Yes,I do think it is a bit embarrassing for an aunty to get involved like this,and I think my dd was embarassed.However my sister works with young teenagers in a FPC and cannot understand what the fuss is about! She said she was only trying to prevent my daughter getting an STD.So to her this is all OTT.My own opinion on this,is that there is too much pressure on teenagers to have sex,sometimes it is subtle presssure,through advertising etc.
I personally feel that there needs to be a balanced point,and that while yes of course it is good that teenagers,children receive all the information they need,there should be choice.

"I wouldn't worry too much but say to DD 'how embarrassing that your auntie is so obsessed with sex'!"

bad bad advice imo.

what 17yo dd hears: "if you're interested in looking at these leaflets about contraception, dd, you're obsessed with sex and you should be embarrassed!"

The evidence is that children who know more about sex, contraception etc are more likely to make sensible decisions. To be honest if your sister works for a FPC I'm surprised she hasn't given your daughter leaflets a long time ago (perhaps she has). You'd be amazed by the number of incredibly ill informed young people who get themselves into trouble - actually probably you are aware as I expect that your sister has told you stories. That's not to say your daughter is sexually active, but at 17 with a serious relationship on the go it's quite likely isn't it? I do agree with you on the pressure front, but all you can do, I think is make sure your dd has high self esteem, and knows her own mind. My parents were very no sex before marriage, and the result was we just never told her anything about our private lives, however as she had also brought us up to be strong I don't think any of us made any very poor decisions. If we did we certainly would not have told our mother about them! (although I don't think we would have told any of our aunts either!).

Thanks very much,I am very interested in all your replies and it is very helpful to hear other people`s points of view.
I will never be the sort of mum who opens up with her daughter about sex,contraception,etc,not at 17.I would rather she kept it private.Hopefully she knows I love her too much to ever make her feel bad about any decisions she makes,I am glad she has received so much information from school.I felt under pressure to give her books on sex education when she was about 11 and her embarrassment and well,hurt,was horrible.Nooka ( love the name )your reply was so helpful,your parents sound just like me.Your replies has made me think and I agree with all of them,I just felt a bit stung that my sister did this,as though she was saving her from her narrow minded mum or something,maybe she struck a raw nerve!Thanks,all of you

I came from a mother who didn't open up to me about sex and made it very clear she disapproved of sex before marriage, I took the scary decision at 16 to go on the pill having been in a long term relationship for a year. I left the pills where she would find them and used condoms from family planning. She then asked why did you not ask me to go with you to the Drs? Obvious, I knew she disapproved. Sorry I'm rambling, but the point is if I hadn't been that sensible and well informed I could have ended up with an STD or a baby. I could have done with an aunt like your sister.

Why should you need such an auntie, Tori, when you were capable of finding and acting on the relevant information for yourself?

Because I had nobody to confide in who was non-judgemental to discuss all of the options and just went straight onto the pill, I may have taken a more natural approach had I been better informed. IYSWIM

You had the doctor who prescribed you the pill to confide in, you had free family planning clinics available and couldn't you have discussed it with your boyfriend?

I didn't feel comfortable at the Drs or family planning because I was still at school. I went to the Drs having already planned what to ask for because I was nervous. No, my boyfriend was no more informed than I was about options other than the pill.

Why do I feel as though I am being interrogated about my opinion and feelings. I'm just pointing out that sometimes parents are to close and judgemental and another adult to talk to (if you are comfortable) can be beneficial.

tori32 -- i agree completely.

I think YABU. Your daughter is 17! You can't control what information she has about anything any more. She's nearly an adult.

If she's embarrassed then I'm sure she's quite capable of telling her aunt that.

time4me has stated that she isn't the kind of mumto be open about sex.

her Daughter is 17.

at least the daughter knows who to ask if she has questions.

better that than a pregnancy or STD becuase of naivity on BOTH parties parts.

I am the kidn of mum who is open. - took ds's gf to family planning without her mums knowledge becuase she asked. she didn't want to ask her mum - her mum is fab, she has fab relationship with mum - sometimes an adult a @step@ away from immediate family is a help

if you want your daughter to have some sensible suppot about sexual matters that you dont think youare able to give -a nd your sister is a top gal kinda person - then i reckon you confide in your sister and say that you think its ok that your daughter somces toher for advice but you expect balance advice.

better some support than none IMO - and at least your sister - you have some influence with - you can converse with - you can let your opinions be known.

think your daughter was prob enbarrased aboutt he leaflets as its a bit sterile - kitchen chats are the way to go.

oh fgs, at 17 and in a long term relationship if she isnt having sex yet, a leaflet of factual information from the FPC is hardly going to make her start is it??

and if she is, or is considering it, it is FAR FAR better for her to be informed.

i can understand the aunt giving her the leaflets - if shed given them to you to give her, you wouldnt have passed them on wouldyou?? an if she works in this area, she knows just how important it is that your dd has this info to hand.

is naive and potentially dangerous to think you can shelter her from the facts of life.

and elasticwoman - what planet do you live on? "You had the doctor who prescribed you the pill to confide in, you had free family planning clinics available and couldn't you have discussed it with your boyfriend?"
err, if its quite clear she is not to speak of this stuff even to her own mother, shes hardly likely to feel comfortable having a frank chat with her boyfriend is she?? and as for the doc and fp clinic... yeah, really conducive to relaxed and open question and answer sessions

Don't get me wrong - I agree that 17 yo girls should be informed. Custardo - what you did sounds great but it was at the request of the gf and that makes all the difference to my mind. Kids learn sex education from primary school onwards. If they are taught at school by an informed source, they will then know where to go for more detailed information if they need it. If teenagers want information they can find it on the Internet and from many other sources. They are not stupid. When they learn about sex & relationships in school there is no implication that they are doing it now - as every one is learning it is not personal. What I object to is a 3rd party muscling in uninvited to a 17 yo's private life. I think it is the way to alienate teenagers.

Nappiesgalore I am on same planet as you. I never had a problem discussing contraception with a doctor although I don't talk about my sex life with my own mother. Other women I've known have said they didn't feel comfortable talking to family doctor so went to family planning clinic.

I think to say YABU is a little strong but a leaflet is not going to entice her into having sex. Life and hormones will do that for her! I wouldn't be upset if someone gave my daughter leaflets at 14/15 let alone at 17 tbh.

It is often the case that girls find it easier to talk to other people about personal things, The way I see it is no harm done and you can never have too much info, can you? I would have thought schools would be dishing out leaflets like that anyway.

i should have said what wisteria said.

have just re-read post and it was a bit harsh. apols if i offended.

essentially tho, i stand by what i said, just not how i said it.

It's definitely the case that teenagers need a sympathetic adult who is not a parent, to turn to for advice. It's no reflection on your parenting, just the fact that sometimes an outside opinion (but not too far outside) is what is wanted. And FPC leaflets, given by someone who works there, are going to have correct information not myths.

She didnt turn to her for advice,she was given the leaflets,as my sister works with young teenagers in a FPC. She is a lovely,caring sister and aunty,although my daughter calls her a bit scary. My point was,I wouldnt have objected to one leaflet,that gave a balanced view AND all the facts,but did stress that she should not feel pressurised to have sex.The other,however,said YOUR GUIDE TO CONTRACEPTION:WHAT METHOD SHOULD YOU USE?
It was very stark.I think it is presumptious and I told my sister that I think there is too much subtle pressure for girls and boys to feel they should be having sex,and that the leaflet did not give any indication that there was a choice.
I think the school my daughter attends ( a mixed comp ) has done a brilliant job of giving the pupils information,some of it quite innovative eg staff chatting to the sixthformers in their common room about sexual health and related subjects.I dont want to be the sort of mother that my daughter comes to talk about sex,take her to go on the pill.Elastico,you and I think along the same lines.I want to be my DDs mum,oldfashioned,twinset wearing,an all,not her best friend