Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sex leaflets for teenagers

72 replies

time4me · 15/09/2007 20:33

My sister gave my 17 year old daughter two leaflets about contraception.She has been going out with her 18 year old boyfriend for 8 months.One said she had a choice but here are the facts about where and how to get contraception.The other was a stark leaflet about contraception.There was no indication that there was a choice.
It was given to my daughter without my knowledge.I have told my sister that I appreciate she has my daughters best interests at heart but I dont want her to be given leaflets that dont give another point of view,as I dont want her to feel a freak if she isnt having sex.My sister has said that knowledge is power and she felt that as her aunty she wanted to help her with having knowledge.I told my sister that part of me felt she was intruding,and that I wouldnt give a leaflet to my neice for instance telling her not to have sex,but if I felt that way inclined I would give her a leaflet that explained that there was a choice and that that choice should be respected,and here are the facts about contraception.
Needless to say,DH feels I shouldn`t have said anything and my daughter just thinks I am mad because she has seen far far worse at school! What do you think?!

OP posts:
NappiesGalore · 17/09/2007 18:00

i hear what youre saying... but i dont think you need worry tbh. i would imagine your dd could well be trusted to think for herself and would be v surprised if she were to feel that a factual leaflet was putting pressure on her.

i think you should credit her with the good sense to make her own mind up.

i do see your point about subtle pressures... i just think those pressures come from all sorts of quarters (media, peer pressure) and factual information is exactly the sort of input you shouldnt try to restrict.

bubblagirl · 17/09/2007 18:01

at 17 you know more than you let on to your parents and as much as you are annoyed your daughter probably had no need to pay attention to the leaflets as has probably been aware for afew yrs

i dont think you should be annoyed at your sister its not as if one leaflet will force your daughter into doing anything she diodn't want to when i was given leaflets i didn't study them religiously then make a life changing decision from one

maybe the more scary point is you know now your daughter is of that age where her relationship will progress if hasn't already and you need to be having the talk to not preach just make sure you know she is aware of the risks she is infact a young lady now and it will only be a matter of time just be there as her mum to make her aware and to be there for her

bubblagirl · 17/09/2007 18:05

i dont think there's anything wrong with being the sort of mum your daughter could come to my friends mum ws like that and her daughter was so uncomfortable to ask advise as she felt her mum would dissaprove where as mymum has never been a friend as per say to me always my mum but made me feel comfortable to come and talk with her and i'm glad of that as i had tough time in my first relationship and didn't realise some things were wrong untill i spoke to her

it doesnt mean any bounderies have been broken nother one has been made between you and her as she takes that next stage in her life and wouldn't it be nice that she would come for motherly advise not a chat round the table about her sex life but best knowing whats going on to not knowing

Lorayn · 17/09/2007 18:08

I once had a friends 13 yo daughter ask me about sex when I babysat for her, I had no idea what to say!! I just told her there will be some guys who make you think you should do it and the only one worth doing it with will tell you its not needed but that she was way too young to worry about it, found it quite difficult to broach this subject with said friend but thankfully when I did she was happy about my answer, do you know for sure dd didnt ask your sister for advice?? how did you find out about the leaflets in the first place/ either way whoever told you about the leaflets obviously is happy for you to know and I think its probably just your sister trying to help, some people think they are better at the 'sex talk' than others.

Lorayn · 17/09/2007 18:10

sorry just read the post re how your daughter got them, I think that explains it all, she must see young girls day after day that are pregnant/have sti's and surely as at least one of the leaflets informed her of the choice she has they werent too bad?? maybe the other one was the best to explain contraception if that was the route dd wanted to go down??

nightshade · 17/09/2007 19:04

i find it amazing that this is even an issue at 17.

i would have presumed she was aware of such issues a long time ago!

Original poster
time4me · 17/09/2007 20:03

Finding these posts very supportive and not shouting me down.I will re-evaluate my relationship with my daughter,I wont be shocked,angry with her or anything if I find out she was having sex.She is over 16 and it is her body,and it is her Life.Bubblagirl and Lorayn,very helpful,she didnt ask for advice.I`m just fed up incase she felt under pressure,fine re:about contraception but there was no alternative view,that was my objection.
However,these posts have been so helpful because I think I need to reinforce in my daughter that she must feel she can come to me if she is worried about anything.I have told her lots of times.NappiesGalore,you sound lovely,I like your 6:01 pm post best tho.My daughter read this post ,she said for gods sake,mum,let it drop.Anyway thats horrible to want to be a strict sort of mum! OOPS!

OP posts:
Original poster
time4me · 17/09/2007 20:05

I meant old-fashioned,or is that the same!

OP posts:
Lorayn · 17/09/2007 20:07

nothing wrong with being strict, as parents we are not here to be awarded best friend medals, just to make sure we bring our children up in the best possible way, hopefully your daughter is at an age where she will be able to take on her responsibilty soon and you will then be able to do the friends thing. Although I dont think any harm was meant I think it is great that you were bothered, many parents dont care.

Lorayn · 17/09/2007 20:08

sorry x-post. Old fashioned values can be exactly what are needed!!

morningpaper · 17/09/2007 20:12

You sounds a little jealous of your sister - is that an issue or am I mis-reading your posts? (apologies if that sounds rude!)

I agree with Tori - and Elasticwoman at the age of 32 I have been reduced to tears by a Doctor at a family planning clinic about my contraceptive choices; you seem under an illusion about how stressful those places can be, they are certainly not somewhere one goes to 'confide' in anyone

Original poster
time4me · 17/09/2007 20:25

Lorayn,bless your heart.My daughter chucks all her angst at me,relentless hateful words.Anyway her friends mum died.She came in visibly upset.She said my friend sent her MSN and in it she said I woke up this morning and I realised I am not going to see my mum ever again.DD walked out too upset to continue.So she must love her oldfashioned strict mum,somewhere

OP posts:
Lorayn · 17/09/2007 20:29

all you can do is be there for her, she'll realise one day, dont we all??

PSCMUM · 17/09/2007 20:30

what do you mean a leaflet that didn't present any alternative? what are the alternatives to contraception for a 17 yo girl in a long term relationship? a bible? (and the almost inevitable baby, std, abortion etc etc etc..)
i think your sister is cool, and you should be glad that she has your dd's best interests at heart. Maybe a bit clumsy, but maybe she knew that you're not the kind of mum to open up, and so she thought she could help.
The most important thing is that your dd feels that contraception and everything else is NOT EMBARASSING!!! so many of us in my girls school knew all about condoms and the pill and all manner of contraceptive choices, but because we were at a very holy catholic school, where sex was a filthy word, and we had no open and comfrotable forum in which to learn, we were so embarrassed by the whole thing that we were all having sex by 15, and there was rarely a condom in sight! we were too embarassed to buy them, and too embarassed to ask the boys to, there were a number of teen pregnancies, a huge number of abortions, and god only knows how many STDs. YEs knowledge is power, but only when you are not too embarassed to use it!

Original poster
time4me · 17/09/2007 20:31

No I am not jealous of my sister.I don`t think specific clinics for young people are horrible,like Brook,and in our town there is a clinic just for young people.Incidently my sister does have an excellent relationship with her 3 grown up children.I think she did used to talk to them about contraception and stuff,when they were going out seriously with someone.
They are in their 20s and 30s and they do get on very well.They love and respect her a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
time4me · 17/09/2007 20:39

PSCMUM,a Bible? No,just the self-confidence to say no if she didnt want to have sex. Why get so militant about that?If my friend were to tell me she put her daughter on the pill,I would respect her different view. Thats what I mean,its got to cut both ways.
I thought the leaflet was too one sided,there was nothing about only having sex if you want to,and not just cos your boyfriend or friends are pressuring you.
I am perfectly ok about all the stuff about contraception.I am entitled to my view,same as you are entitled to yours.There might be some evangelical christians reading this and they are entitled to their opinion.

OP posts:
Lorayn · 17/09/2007 20:43

I think I know what you are getting at time4me, maybe there werent any of those leaflets at the clinic or your sister felt that your daughter was strong enough not to be pressured into anything, try and see it as a good sign

PSCMUM · 17/09/2007 20:46

yes, and they are entitled to have it argued with!

Sorry, didn't mean to sound super militant - I just skim read your post and wondered what you meant by the alternative to contraception, i suppose what I'd say is you can't have every single piece of info you need about sex when you're a teenager in one leaflet, and I think its good your sister was being proactive about it. and i also do think that for a 17yo girl in 2007, with a boyf, it is a bit unrealistic to think she is not already having sex, probably for ages, and that any kind of abtisnence messages are a bit silly, but yes, i agree to an extent, it would be great to have the message that 'you don't have to, but its ok if you want to, but please do it properly' i think mayeb we both mean that.
and i suppose this is a subject very close to my heart. i saw so many fucked up teenage girls - and boys - whose parents were religious idiots who thought that a good way to equip them for life was to completely ignore sex, pretend it did not exist, rely on school to instill in us all that it was associated with shame, not pleasure, but not allow us to actually talk about it, so we hadn't a clue, but we still did it, and very very dangerously!
sorry, but i have no time whatsoever for people who think preaching abstinence to teens is anything other than extremely damaging to them. I am not for a moment saying you are one of those people, btw.
And its not to do wth being anti- any particular religion.

Original poster
time4me · 17/09/2007 20:48

Thanks Lorayn,I feel got at if I express my somewhat conservative views,(which arent all that conservative,I do believe in freedom of choice and strive to be non-judgemental)however,I dont shout at people who feel opposite to me or insult them or make them feel bad or stupid cos they have a different point of view,I respect them

OP posts:
Original poster
time4me · 17/09/2007 20:49

Not pro-abstinance,pro-CHOICE

OP posts:
PSCMUM · 17/09/2007 20:49

sorry if the red face is for me. There is a difference between respecting the right to have an opinion and agreeing with it. Just because I strenusoly disagree with someone, does not mean I have no respect for someone.
And I don't even think I really disagree with you. Its not conservative to want to ell your dd she doesn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to, it is, hopefully, stating the obvious!

shimmy · 17/09/2007 20:50

why is a leaflet going to encourage or discourage yr dd from having sex?

Surely at 17 she is old enough to know the facts and if you yourself aren't willing to be open about the pros and cons then isn't it great that there is someone in the family that dd can get honest info from? surely better than learning it from school gosspip

yabu

PSCMUM · 17/09/2007 20:51

time4me - i think we have a serious wires crossed situatio!
I know youar e not preaching any of the abstinence nonsense, .i was just responding to you saying if evangelical xtians are reading this, they are entitled to their view, i was saying yes, THEY (not you) ar eenitled to it, but here are my thoughts on why their view, that I stress they are entitled to, is a big pile of poo.

PSCMUM · 17/09/2007 20:52

[exhaustion from frantically explaining self and not wanting to upset OP emoticon]

Lorayn · 17/09/2007 21:02

I dont think anyone is trying to get at you about hoping your daughter doesnt feel pressured into having sex, as I see it people are just saying your sister giving her the leaflets isnt bad.
Maybe the whole problem is the leaflets that are designed for teenagers rather than how she got them??
I think everyone could agree that regardless of age we know that sex should be a choice made when ready, and not something either party feels they have to do.

Swipe left for the next trending thread