To not want any more but want more babies

[InAPrettyCabinet]

I'm 38. I have three children. I DO NOT want anymore. Yet sometimes I wish I could do it again or do it over. I'm a bottle of wine in so I can admit to it but otherwise I tell people I'm done.
I don't think I want to start again. Ds is almost 5 and struggling through all this. I found babyhood really traumatic but there's a tiny thread of broodyness. How do I get past it? No chance of more as dh had the ship a few years back.

I think I feel the same as you. My daughter is only 2 so not quite the same but I have been adamant from about 2 days after she was born that I do not want anymore. This feeling has only become stronger as she has got older and our family feels more complete just the three of us. Birth and recovery were traumatic and I really struggled with the baby stage, lack of sleep and just sheer boredom of maternity leave made it something I never want to do again. Also the loss of self identity. I absolutely adore the bones of her but she will be our only. But! Every now and then I do feel nostalgic for a tiny baby, for pregnancy, for birth even. I think its only natural. I did used to want to have 2 children and I think I am sad for what might have been if I didn't find the whole experience so utterly traumatic and hard.
What works for me when I feel sad is to try and think of the reality of it, yes a newborn would be small and snuggly but there would be the sleepless nights, possible repeat of PND, weight gain, general upheaval..etc etc..and I think 'oh yeah..thats why!'. Biology might make it seem like a good idea but reality might be very different. Sorry this is a bit rambly haha I didn't want to leave without saying anything, because I know how you feel.

Volunteer at your local SCBU. They usually need people to cuddle babies born addicted to drugs.

Oh God, me too. Two beautiful children. Definitely do NOT want a third, but yet.... DH pointed out that it's not so much that I want a third, it's that I'm broody and nostalgic for the stages that are past and gone, and that it's totally natural, because even if you have a child or two more than you'd planned, you're still only going to have that experience of pregnancy/babyhood for a handful of times in what will hopefully be a very long life. I've been very lucky and have enjoyed my pregnancies and newborns, despite them both being difficult in their own ways. But I totally got that massive rush of ecstasy when holding my newborn. Each time I had almost an out of body experience, that I was lifted out of myself and saw my precious child's life stretched ahead, so fresh and new and perfect, and it made me feel like I would live forever. Bonkers hormones. And I so enjoy baby groups, pushing the pram on long walks, that feeling of closeness as you absorb this new family member. Hard, but wonderful. I crave it, but I think I'll always crave it, and there's only so many times I can do it unless I want to be Sue Radford. So at some point I'll have to draw the line, and I've done it at an affordable two children! But oh I wish I could bottle that feeling!

I had those feelings, and then we had an unplanned third and I was delighted and relieved at first but now all those 'sensible' reasons we had for stopping have become grimly real and made for a very much more difficult life and have made me feel quite different about being a parent. Of course I love my kids to the moon and back but if you don't listen to your head sometimes it comes back on your heart.

I’m looking forward to having all that again one day - but as a grandparent!

I’m feeling similar, can’t imagine my two being the only children that I raise but I don’t want to be pregnant or do the newborn time again (much as I adore newborn cuddles and that baby smell). I’ve been thinking about fostering when my two are a bit older, there are so many kids out there already who need the parental love that I’ve got to offer.

I'm the opposite, if I could produce a 5 year old and miss those early years, I'd have another today!

I know what you mean op. I don't really want more and dh definitely not. I can't help sometimes thinking maybe we'll have a surprise... I couldn't plan to have another but feel I can't quite shut the door on having children. We are old and take precautions so it won't happen!

I think how you move forward is to remember that all those things you're craving, feeling them kick inside you, smelling their head when they're born, bringing them home, the weight of them sleeping on your chest, seeing them come into themselves, hushed nights in the dark, watching them experience the world and seeing it like new - these things are all things you have, three times over, and no one can ever take it away from you. Those experiences and memories are yours and yours alone. You did it, you lived it and you will have it always, even as your children get bigger the experience is yours to keep forever. Yes it's more present for those currently in it and pushing the prams and going to baby classes, but you have it too and theirs will be in the past one day. You may not be in it anymore but it doesn't mean it's gone. Your body still has the imprints of them inside and that time will always be yours.

Can I ask a question? Is it the biological broodiness that makes us want more/any kids even when we know the reality will be so different to the fantasy?

Or does the fantasy actually come from the perfect pregnancy and baby experience that we so badly want (not helped by social media) and so we feel a bit cheated if it we don't get it for whatever reason? And that's why some women never feel done?

I guess is it the actual reality of a pregnancy and baby that we crave, or the experience we've always dreamt of?

Sorry, that's very rambly, just some stuff I've been trying to get straight in my own head!

I only have 1 and had a horrific birth plus a lot of surgery after. Thn pnd.
I want another but I know it would be catastrophic potentially for my health. It makes me very sad.
Dp has 3 from his first marriage so dosnt understand why I get so sad about it. He said he would have another but the practical constraints means it's almost impossible.

@Smallpotatoooes that was really beautiful

I'd have had one more than we have if my DH really wanted a third. He strongly didn't! I was on the fence.

I get this often.
More than happy with my 2 but I loved the excitement of getting the line on the pregnancy tests, the scans, waiting for and going into labour, the absolute euphoria after birth and the days after.
I'm definitely done but I'd love to do it again.

smallpotatoes some really nice points made. The memories are wonderful and you tend to forget a lot of the hard work involved!

Agree @Smallpotatoooes that‘s so lovely.
I’ve had 4 and my new partner and I have talked about having one of our own, but my youngest is 8 and I really don’t want to do it all again. Thinking about what you’ve said you’re right I’ve felt 4 babies kick and cuddled them in the night and I’m very lucky to have done so, it’s been amazing. So we’re getting a puppy. I’m a paeds nurse so have many babies to cuddle in the future

Could you foster?

It's normal, it's just hormones. We are programmed to procreate, it's our basic purpose.

Head over primal instincts is what makes us a superior species.

@StarsandBellinisInthonk that’s a really interesting point. I have a DD 18 months and DH and I are both agreed she will be our one and only, for a million v good reasons.

I would love a second but having examined my thoughts and feelings it would be for the wrong reasons - ie, to be pregnant again and not have multiple terrifying scares with bleeding, to have another crack at a natural birth instead of EMCS, to have a baby who’s born at term instead of 34 weeks, doesn’t spend the first week of their life in scbu on CPAP, who doesn’t have tongue tie and can breastfeed successfully... the list goes on. I feel robbed of a lot of the lovely experiences a lot of people get when they meet their little
one and I found the trauma of a prem birth and first 6 months harder than anything I’ve ever dealt with (and that includes the multiple rounds of ivf to get her).

Of course I would also love a sibling for my DD and grow our family but given all the above it’s just not justifiable. But who knows, talk to me in a year’s time and I might have forgotten all the above

@smallpotatoooes I've screenshotted your reply as it was so lovely. She is forever imprinted on my inside. That's beautiful

I think it’s a primeval instinct and for some of us it never really goes. I’m 52 with 3 kids and would give anything to turn the clock back and have more. Unlike some I adored the newborn and toddler stages.

@Busybusybust baby's normally addicted can't be overly handled it hurts.

Do you work FT? Could become an emergency foster carer for baby's!

That's the point where you should start considering a puppy or a pair of kittens.

I have moments like this we have just one DS and for a multitude of reasons have decided not to have any more. It makes sense I had an awful pregnancy, very traumatic labour , have a high risk of GD and pre-eclampsia if I have another.
I'm the higher earner so mat leave hits us financially quite hard and we'd have to save for another as we couldn't live on just DHs salary. There are renovations still needed for our house (bathroom especially we've had leaks which have been fixed but won't last long term planned to do the work before DS but I got pregnant very very quickly given my medical issues).

I also see friends with 2/3 and the chaos, expense, childcare, logistics and know that we can give DS a very nice life as an only. BUT every now and then I think of something fun DB and I shared as children and it makes me sad he won't have the same, being in lockdown with no other children is tough for him too -i know logically we are unlikely to see another lockdown in his childhood.
He's only 17 months but I feel even now he's not my little baby anymore. If time was on my side I'd wait until he was school age and think about another, but I'm nearly 36 and have diagnosed fertility issues. I'm also not sure I'd want a newborn at forty.
It's a head Vs heart thing I suppose, and I know logically one is the best decision for us, but if that's the case why is my loft full of baby things!

Beautiful thread.