Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave him?

40 replies

Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:17

He works hard, & he is not a bad man. We have 2 young dc (under 3.) We’re saving for a house & on a practical level, our lives are intertwined. But I am not attracted to him anymore, at all. I know this won’t change.

WIBU to leave him? To separate him & the kids (living wise), to throw our potential home owner ship down the drain... because sexually he’ll never do it for me again?

I am young, I don’t know if I can fake this forever. Or if I want to, but I feel so selfish. I’m also nervous about being a single mum & for fucking everything up for my own selfish reason. I’m so torn.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 24/04/2020 22:20

Were you previously attracted to him?

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:22

@formerbabe I think I was so desperate to feel loved I convinced myself I was.

OP posts:
Crunched · 24/04/2020 22:22

Are you married?

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:23

@crunched not married

OP posts:
Handiies · 24/04/2020 22:24

What has changed op?

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:27

@Handiies I think as I’ve got older and had children my self worth has increased. I had such low self confidence that I would practically of been with anyone who would of had me - shamefully. Not anyone... but ya know, I wasn’t fussy either.

OP posts:
Boom45 · 24/04/2020 22:27

Dont stay with someone you dont love for practicalities. It's not fair on you, him or your children.
I mean; don't chuck away a good relationship because you're out of the honeymoon period and exhausted with 2 young children and can get the love and spark back when you're life is less dominated by very young children. But if you don't think he can make you happy then you can't make him happy either.

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:33

@boom45 I don’t think this has anything to do with the children being young, sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:34

His family & potentially mine are going to hate me if I do this. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:35

& the kids... step parents, potentially one day... mum & dad never together again. Such a tough decision. I wish I wasn’t such a fucked up teen!

OP posts:
Vretz · 24/04/2020 22:43

I speak as a fella but it sounds like hes working loads, saving for a house and seeing you as 'mum'.

I have plenty of friends who have done just this, their partner has a baby and they go into full 'provider' mode and completely neglect their relationship and 'let themselves go'

Post COVID-19, get a babysitter, tell him you are both going out and show him your self-worth. HE should have a reality check he's punchin' above his weight and you might find that attraction comes back when he steps up 😉 - there must've been something otherwise why have kids?

Vretz · 24/04/2020 22:47

Also, every relationship goes through phases. We are all far too eager to walk out when the going gets tough. I mean, don't stay miserable for years silently but at least give the man some honesty and a chance.

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:51

@Vretz in terms of honesty, does anyone really wanna hear I’m not attracted to you anymore? I don’t want to hurt him, I really don’t he is a good man & a good dad.

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 24/04/2020 22:57

Is that because there is someone else on your horizon OP?

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 23:02

@huacynth no not at all, did you read I have two children under 3? I don’t go to the toilet by myself let alone venture out to meet eligible bachelors! 😂

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 24/04/2020 23:08

Love makes the ugliest people attractive. If you loved him as a person he would be like your Adonis. It’s because you don’t love him his inside. It’s therefore not fair to stay with him as someone else might find him their Adonis

SummerInSun · 24/04/2020 23:10

Depends what you mean by attracted. If you mean you don't feel much like having sex, I'd say that very few women with even one child under 3, let alone two, that I know ever feel like having sex! But it you mean you no longer enjoy spending time with him, don't find his jokes funny, don't feel warm when you see him with the children, don't look coward to chatting to him once the kids are asleep - then you have a bigger problem

ActuallyItsEugene · 24/04/2020 23:19

How old are you OP? You say young, but how young? How old is he?
How long have you been together?

Sometimes when people have settled down seriously, whilst young, they end up outgrowing each other.
Try talking to him, explain how you're feeling, see if there's anyway forward for you.

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 23:23

@SummerInSun it’s not just sex, I don’t want any physical intimacy. I don’t want to kiss, hug, hold hands, sleep in the same bed even. His snoring infuriates me & makes him seem so unattractive. This is gonna sound awful, but if his been lying on my pillow - I turn it round because I don’t want to lay where his laid Blush I know this makes me sound like an arse hole.

@ActuallyItsEugene we’re both just under 30 & we’ve been together 5 years. I just don’t know how I’d start to bring this up?

OP posts:
ShallallalAa · 24/04/2020 23:27

You're in lockdown with two children under 3. This, by any standards is an extremely stressful corona experience. Cut yourself some slack and put this to one side until life is a bit more normal. In a long life with someone sometimes being able to ignore them and let the relationship repair without over thinking it can be a good thing.

CochonDinde · 24/04/2020 23:29

You can leave a partner for whatever reason you want, good luck to you Flowers

Wanderlust21 · 24/04/2020 23:30

I'd leave. And you don't have to feel guilty about it either. You do however, gave to be truthful to yourself. And to him.

If you go sharpish, your kids wont know any different. Its good you discovered this now rather than when they are 4+

Start making plans for when the lockdown eases. Might be the decent thing to do to move out with the kids rather than expecting him to leave. Again, with them being so young, it shouldn't be too difficult on them to adjust to some place new.

Life is short!

cleopatracominatya · 24/04/2020 23:43

I completely get it op.. My partner also gives me the ick... This whole lockdown situation has got me thinking life is too short...i personally know I definitely want to be on my own.. I have my dd and that's all I really want.. relationships are outdated

riotlady · 25/04/2020 00:41

Would you consider trying some sex counselling or something together to try and get that spark back? If he was a bad dad or partner I’d be saying leave him, but if it’s just the attraction personally I’d want to feel like I tried everything I could to keep my family together.

gerluc55 · 25/04/2020 00:56

Been there 11 years ago. I had to leave. I couldn't physically be near him. I felt bad for myself and so bad for him (although he was far less than perfect)
Since I've not met the man of my dreams, well not one I can see a future with anyway.
But I'm free,I'm happy but most of all I'm not hurting anyone.
If you know the feelings are gone and not retrievable I would advise to leave.
Me and my ex co parent very well now. And are friends. My life's not sorted for leaving him but I did the right thing