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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave him?

40 replies

Stripeytopgirl · 24/04/2020 22:17

He works hard, & he is not a bad man. We have 2 young dc (under 3.) We’re saving for a house & on a practical level, our lives are intertwined. But I am not attracted to him anymore, at all. I know this won’t change.

WIBU to leave him? To separate him & the kids (living wise), to throw our potential home owner ship down the drain... because sexually he’ll never do it for me again?

I am young, I don’t know if I can fake this forever. Or if I want to, but I feel so selfish. I’m also nervous about being a single mum & for fucking everything up for my own selfish reason. I’m so torn.

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 25/04/2020 01:07

Honestly if I were him I would want to split. He deserves to have someone who fancies and loves him and so do you. Happy parents are important. I always knew my mother didn't love my father and saw her recoil if he tried to hug her.

Vretz · 25/04/2020 14:02

@riotlady raises the point i was trying to make. In terms of kids etc, it's a big decision. As parents, we sometimes forget that our kids are the ones who live with our decision. That doesn't mean 'stay for the kids' but it does mean if you just leave without giving him an opportunity, you'll create a toxic situation for the kids. The best separated parents are the ones who can speak and both accept it wasn't right for both of them, and that only happens if both believe they tried and had a fair shot.

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 25/04/2020 22:45

@BarbedBloom

I always knew my mother didn't love my father and saw her recoil if he tried to hug her.

Sorry & thank you for everyone’s advice but this really stuck out for me.

Do you mind me asking how this effected you & if you would of preferred for them to split? I can relate and feel desperately sorry for both your mum & dad.

OP posts:
Mumto2two · 25/04/2020 22:53

I’ve been where you are OP. It’s terribly sad and difficult, but it’s only something that you can change. Nearly 20 years on and we are still good parents and still good friends.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 25/04/2020 22:55

Yes people are going to be angry and hurt but this situation sounds unbearable for you and eventually for him it will be death by a thousand cuts. He won’t understand and neither will his family but you do understand and it is much kinder to leave him.

Good luck!!! You deserve to be happy too

Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 25/04/2020 22:59

It’s just so incredibly tough. I have cried just contemplating how I would do it. My poor children, this is obviously not what I would of chosen for them.

I just don’t know if I can do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 25/04/2020 22:59

@Mumto2two that’s great Smile how did your kids take it if you don’t mind me asking?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 25/04/2020 23:00

Thank you @Sharpandshineyteeth for being so kind ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripeytopgirl · 25/04/2020 23:02

We had sex this evening. It had been so long I just thought I had to at least try, & I hated every minute of it. Almost burst into tears when it was over. I can’t live like this, but my kids love their dad.

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 25/04/2020 23:30

Well now you know op. So - you never need to sleep with him again. Of course this means you need to tell him it's over. But surely that's less traumatizing than having to repeat tonight's activity.

OP he'll get over it. And the kids will too. Dont become a martyr. Would you want your kids to grow up thinking women are supposed to be depressed in a marriage? Or seeing you cry a lot?

Get your scates on, the relationship is over.

Want2beme · 25/04/2020 23:32

Maybe turn it round. Would you want to know that your partner feels this way about you? He may already suspect it. My DS lived through a 30 year marriage feeling that way about her H. I really don't know how she managed it. Maybe having 4 DC kept her there, I'm not sure. It's not an easy prospect.

BarbedBloom · 26/04/2020 00:23

@Stripeytopgirl Apologies, I only just got a notification about your reply. I think it was worse in my case as my mum didn't like to hug me or my brother either in case my dad wanted affection too. It made for a very uncomfortable atmosphere really and my dad became very angry eventually and took it out on me and my brother as he linked the change in affection with the attention she gave us. It wasn't a loving environment, always tense and grew worse over time.

Anyway, it made me a bit desperate to be loved I suppose. I always needed reassurance from partners that they loved me, to an unreasonable level but at the same time I accepted being pushed away as that was normal. As with any unhappy situation I didn't understand what a normal relationship looked like.

I have had therapy and am now happily married. However I will say that to this day physical affection makes me uncomfortable except with my husband. My husband's family are very huggy and kissy and I have to fight the impulse to pull away every time and I certainly still have some issues with intimacy.

BarbedBloom · 26/04/2020 00:27

I missed the split question. Mainly I wanted two happy homes rather than one miserable one. My father became abusive eventually but even then I just wanted a space where things were calm. I think it is difficult to advise how I would have wanted it to happen, but to this day I wish they had. I get people who want to stay together for children, but they do pick up on things and will understand more than you think as they get older. I think I was 9 when i asked my mum if she loved my dad and the long pause told me everything i needed to know

ponchek · 26/04/2020 00:29

Counselling. Too much at stake to just chuck it up.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/04/2020 00:45

Hi op

It seems that maybe Unconsciously you have repeated the pattern your mum made with your Dad.

You don't have to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, the kids are young they will adapt.

You are entitled to be happy and so is he, quietly look at what you would be entitled too as regards benefits etc.

I think when lock down is over, then maybe a kind but cards on the table conversation is needed.

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