I don't like my partner shouting at my child

[jaoler]

So, I'm just looking for peoples personal experiences really.

I was a single mum to my DS (3) for the first part of his life. I met DP and had DD.

Anyway, he's never massively shouted at my DS or anything, he's usually two steps back when it comes to discipline but since isolation he's been stepping in more. Even when I'm mid disciplining him, he'll chime in just to repeat what I'm saying.

My question is I do WANT him to be able to discipline him in circumstances where I'm not around/not there but otherwise, it gives me a really horrible feeling listening to it!

AIBU? Do any other parents with a 'new partner' feel like this regarding discipline? Or do you happily share it because you live together in a family household?

Neither of you should be ‘shouting’ at a three year old at all, unless he or she is actually about to run into the road.

I wouldn't want anyone shouting at my 3 year old (unless he was about to run into the road etc). I would just discuss disciplin with your partner at some calm time so it's clear you're on the same page. You have another child anyway so it's important to agree on how you'll approach it.

I don’t even like DH doing this and he is the kids’ Dad so I don’t think YABU at all.

As long as it’s reasonable and fair it’s ok. You are both the adults in the household you are no longer a single parent. As a child of a stepfather who massively favoured his own child over me (subconsciously I think) it can damage your son and make him feel like an outsider. It doesn’t have to be that way though as I say I’d it’s done right

Just to clarify, neither of us 'shout' in the typical term as I specifically don't agree with it.

I mean speaking a bit louder and more sternly!

@Warsawa31 that's a really good point actually and I've genuinely never thought of that.

Maybe ask MNHQ to amend the title of your post in that case since you say he doesn’t shout.

Is he shouting at your daughter too?
Is he harder on your son?

I have an older child and then a younger one with current partner. My partner wouldn't shout at either of my/our children. We're on the same page with how to discipline and shouting would only be done in a case of imminenent danger eg about to run into a road for example.

I'm happy for anyone to tell my kids no don't do that if I'm not present, if I'm present I or my partner will sort it, we're not passive parents but we're not shouty either.

It's instinct for you to protect your child. If your natural reaction is protective towards your D.C. rather than feeling like DP is part of your team, that should be telling you something.

@YourHandInMyHand as I said I used the wrong word as neither of us shout but I've come to use 'shout' as just speaking louder and sternly but I don't agree with shouting at all unless he's doing something dangerous.

And DD is 4 months so no need for discipline yet!

I have always believed that a child should be told off once, draw a line under it and move on. If he is 'chiming in' thats twice. I would and have dump someone for doing this.
I am not precious about others telling mine off either (if I'm not around).

I hear you. Sounds like your inner lioness protecting your cubs.

@Northernsoullover completely agree with that and every time he does it I think it's a bit unnecessary. I think it should be 1 on 1 with discipline not a child feeling outnumbered.

I certainly wouldn’t allow it. His not her father

@Wearywithteens I love this idea!!

In fact, when I'm not in the mood and he does discipline him for something he's done, I'll tend to come in and quickly say 'don't be naughty' or something and then keep continuing and play again or get a snack or something and DP says that this is taking a step backwards because then he thinks it's okay because everything's all fine again the second after!
I've never agreed with this!

@Wearywithteens that should say not in the ROOM. Not mood!

Why don't you discuss this with him. Your DP can't be that new a partner if you've managed to have a child with him and are living together. Say to him it one parent is disciplining, then the other doesn't need to.
The title is a bit emotive, stern talking isn't shouting.

@Neron yeah, it was my mistake, I've just become used to calling it shouting even when we're not!

@jaoler
Be warned- you will be repeating yourself CONSTANTLY having to say over and over and over again that you didn’t mean shouting.. reason being, some people are so desperate to get their opinion or words in, they won’t read the whole thread, we’re you’ve clearly pointed out 3 times now you didn’t mean shouting.
Good luck 😚

It has taken me 3 DCs and 22 years (youngest only 6) to realise that you don't really need to even use a stern voice. The most important thing is not wavering and repeating what you are saying to your DC. I can still be loving while saying no if I keep saying it.

I try to stay kind when disciplining and it is probably more effective. I don't always succeed and sometimes use the stern voice. I don't know how you get that through to your DH though. It is underling to you if he interjects. If his motivation for disciplining is that he is irritated or that "you are always too soft on him..." then that is completely wrong.

If he has an issue with how you are raising your son, that is an issue to be discussed when the DC are in bed.

@Thewheelsarefallingoff I think you're spot on with what his motivation for disciplining is actually!

Sorry I'm meant to say it is undermining to you, not underlining you.

I had exactly the same issue with DH and my (not his) Ds1. I did consider leaving over it at one point, but we got through it.

I tried to point out that you're not supposed to be 100% objective (and he certainly wasn't, but thought he was): you are supposed the love the children you are bringing up and be on their team.

It helped that DH's eldest brother wasn't his dad's. I was able to point out that he was always a bit of a scapegoat and ended up going off the rails in his teens and twenties. But it took several years.

Ds1 and DH have a good relationship now. He doesn't try to be his dad, because he can't be really, he doesn't love him in the same way that he loves DD & DS2. It helped to be honest about that, I think and to respect I was the parent.

Have you and your DP had an explicit conversation about how you want to parent / step-parent / co-parent / not-parent your DS?

As the partner of a man with a DS, I really needed us to talk about expectations and agreements explicitly and clearly to feel comfortable - it's an incredibly hard role to try and play without guidelines in place and it's so easy to get it 'wrong' with the heightened sensitivity of a parent in the mix.

When do you want him to 'parent', and when do you want him not to?

When you want him to call your DS up on some behaviour, does he have to do it exactly your way, even when you're not around? Should he not discipline DS at all when you are around? What counts as 'discipline' to you, and where is the line between a quick rein-in and actual discipline?

How will this work when both your kids are older – will he have to do it your way with both of them, or only your DD?

Sounds like a frank, honest conversation is important for both of you.