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Original poster

Dh arguments during lockdown

38 replies

lunepremiere79 · 22/04/2020 14:35

Ever since the lockdown started DH and I seem to be getting into really petty arguments over seemingly trivial things, which overtime is really grinding and making me feel more and more sad. Should also say that he's spent the last year at home looking for jobs ever since his redundancy and I have been on maternity, so we've already spent quite a long time together. He seems to interpret many things I say as a criticism and sound snide and aggressive and goes off in a sulk, but I am certain that's not the way I say things to him and I dont mean them to sound as a criticism. When we replay the conversation back, he always seems to think I shout at him, when i thought i was being very calm and factual. I honestly have no idea how to talk to him any more. I have tried different ways of phrasing stuff I say, different tone of voice...I cant simply say yes dear and agree to everything he suggests or says, it's not my nature. But clearly the way I say stuff grates on him and I have no idea what to do. For example, i got some sample tiles from a shop in the mail today and put one on the toughened glass top table outside. He came in to ask if we had any felt to out underneath so the tile doesnt scratch the surface. I said no we dont, but maybe just dont move it about so it doesnt scratch? He sighed and ran off inside and when I asked what happened said that he should just accept that I will always be critical of everything he suggests and that the way I said that to him was very aggressive. I thought I was friendly and calm . So who is BU here?

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Daftodil · 22/04/2020 14:42

He's feeling crap about his job situation and taking if out on you. I don't think there is anything you can do because I don't think you've done anything wrong from the sounds of things.

Is he still trying to get a job or has that gone on the backburner?

Original poster
lunepremiere79 · 22/04/2020 14:46

The jobs have more or less dried up since the lockdown started, so really bad timing and I know it's really affecting him, but not sure how I can help...Sad

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GinDrinker00 · 22/04/2020 14:53

Tell him to go work in a supermarket for a while. Plenty of those sort of jobs going.

MT2017 · 22/04/2020 15:56

I think in your 'tile' example, a simple "no we don't" would have sufficed. The second part was unnecessary.

geekone · 22/04/2020 16:03

I think I would have said “nope sorry we don’t have any” it always pisses me off when DH offers a solution to a problem I didn’t ask him to solve

HandfulofDust · 22/04/2020 16:14

You might have sounded a bit condescending saying "maybe just down't move it around". You could have said "no we don't, sorry I'll be careful not to move it though". Maybe he's especially sensitive about his job situation and you could be a little more thoughtful.

HandfulofDust · 22/04/2020 16:15

Tell him to go work in a supermarket for a while. Plenty of those sort of jobs going.

Not where I live. All vacancies filled ages ago. Likewise for farm work and delivery drivers. All filled weeks ago. I think it's becoming a bit of a knee jerk reaction to tell everyone to work in a supermarket without any actual thought behind it.

Original poster
lunepremiere79 · 22/04/2020 19:59

Thanks everyone, I can see that I still need to do some work on my communication and not offering 'solutions' (which I tend to do). I seem to remember there was a book about improving communication skills for couples. Have any of you heard of anything like that?

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Bringringbring12 · 22/04/2020 20:01

I also would have wanted to have put something underneath a tile on a glass table.

19lottie82 · 22/04/2020 20:04

Tell him to go work in a supermarket for a
while. Plenty of those sort of jobs going.

Not anymore.

Original poster
lunepremiere79 · 22/04/2020 20:18

Bringringbring12 - the thing is that DH is selectively worried about only certain things that he cares about. He has never been worried about scratching up expensive wooden furniture in the living room despite the number of times I mentioned it to him in the past (and subsequently gave up caring about). So it's not that he is generally worried about scratching things up, it's that he's decided to take an issue with me putting a tile down on that particular table for some reason

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opticaldelusion · 22/04/2020 20:19

If this is just corona-behaviour I'd say ride it out. Few people are at their best right now.

If you have a longer-standing issue with communication, then it's worth having a think about the way you interact and possibly thinking about counselling or something. But that doesn't need to be right now.

Bringringbring12 · 22/04/2020 21:09

@lunepremiere79

Your latest post would indicate fairly serious problem in your relationship.
Your suggesting that he’s just doing this to piss you off but doesn’t actually give a flying fig about the table. His entire focus of this exchange was just to piss you off.
If that is true - your marriage sounds rotten to the core.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/04/2020 21:25

That example is quite specific but if you've had any other disagreements that seem to come out of nowhere then I'd say afterwards 'ok - how should I have said it, to get my point across without making you angry?' Me and my husband have silly arguments about one of us using a bad tone of voice or something. I think a positive is that we don't really disagree about the big issues! Once we sit down and talk about it, its normally something else we are pissed off about that comes out in petty things

welshladywhois40 · 22/04/2020 21:41

Do you both get any space from each other? I love my partner to bits but tonight he announced he was off to do a zoom call with his friends and I enjoyed some crap tv on my own - bliss!

I am not sure being cooped up helps anyone and he has been under your feet already.

Rowing over petty things to me is a sign that maybe all isn't well and perhaps his redundancy is depressing him? With my ex we used to have arguments all the time and we was depressed. But there was a lot wrong and I felt constantly picked on. Take a moment to think if he is picking at things or are they genuine.

Life is so short to spend time being in a negative environment

chickenyhead · 22/04/2020 22:01

to me it seems like he resents you for something. I don't know what, but I also don't think that you can fix something that he isn't working equally hard to fix. Very rarely are these things black and white.

I would gently tell him that it is clear to you that he is finding your communication skills jarring. That you can see that there may have been a better way to deal with the tile situation, but that you feel that this is a symptom of a wider issue that you are willing to work on, if he is.

Both sides need to be willing to meet in the middle, otherwise this will end up destroying your self esteem. He should know you well enough by now.

LouiseTrees · 22/04/2020 22:39

@lunepremiere79 perhaps it’s because he’s realised that these things cost money and feels less hopeful about getting a new job given the turn the economy has taken. What field is he in?

Original poster
lunepremiere79 · 23/04/2020 10:56

It happened again just now...we have a small plastic greenhouse where I just put some small plants yesterday. I closed it overnight to keep the heat in and opened it up for the day to air it out this morning. Dh comes over to say - would you like me to close it? I explained that I opened it to give the plants some air and light during the day and that I would close it overnight when it gets colder. He said he wasnt sure whether this was right, so I looked at gardeners world site and found a few people who do the same and showed it to him. He said ok, but we'll definitely close it overnight.. To which I said, that's exactly what I was suggesting . He said - and breathe and walked away again! Now I didn't have to say that last bit, I could have just let it go, but it bugs me that he is repeating what I just said and was doing anyways as HIS idea and that HIS word needs to be the last, which makes it sound like he is in control of what happens with the gren house, despite the fact that he isn't even the one taking care of the plants!!!!! What do you think?

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Original poster
lunepremiere79 · 23/04/2020 11:01

He did mention in the past that he didn't feel like he was in control of things any longer..that was a few months ago when he wasnt having any luck with finding a job, so it could be that he want to have control of other part of his life, which unfortunately means I have to bear the brunt of that right now and there is no escape

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MT2017 · 23/04/2020 11:08

...or maybe he was just agreeing with you?

Original poster
lunepremiere79 · 23/04/2020 11:11

Some days, like today, I just want to be by myself and cry. I have absolutely no idea how we ended up here, when just a year ago we had very good loving relationship. Over the past year it's just gone so downhill ( via cla combination of new baby, unemployment and being couped up together). I do wonder maybe things might improve of he gets a job? Or once I have to go back to work after lockdown...

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Original poster
lunepremiere79 · 23/04/2020 11:12

MT2017 if he was agreeing with me then why did he get so upset afterwards and walked away?

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Shouldbedoing · 23/04/2020 11:13

Is this your first child? It sounds to me like he's trying to mould you into submission. Is his mask slipping?

dontdisturbmenow · 23/04/2020 11:14

I said no we dont, but maybe just dont move it about so it doesnt scratch?
I would have taken this as a snide too. What was the point of the second part? He did have a point to, putting something under sounded like an appropriate suggestion.

Original poster
lunepremiere79 · 23/04/2020 11:23

Shouldbedoing - yes this is the first child. Tbh I has felt like he has been trying to be more controlling ever since dd was born, hence the constant arguments and deterioration in relationship, esp during the first 3 or 4 month when dd was v little. I thought things were getting better but then the lockdown happened...

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