Dh arguments during lockdown

[lunepremiere79]

Ever since the lockdown started DH and I seem to be getting into really petty arguments over seemingly trivial things, which overtime is really grinding and making me feel more and more sad. Should also say that he's spent the last year at home looking for jobs ever since his redundancy and I have been on maternity, so we've already spent quite a long time together. He seems to interpret many things I say as a criticism and sound snide and aggressive and goes off in a sulk, but I am certain that's not the way I say things to him and I dont mean them to sound as a criticism. When we replay the conversation back, he always seems to think I shout at him, when i thought i was being very calm and factual. I honestly have no idea how to talk to him any more. I have tried different ways of phrasing stuff I say, different tone of voice...I cant simply say yes dear and agree to everything he suggests or says, it's not my nature. But clearly the way I say stuff grates on him and I have no idea what to do. For example, i got some sample tiles from a shop in the mail today and put one on the toughened glass top table outside. He came in to ask if we had any felt to out underneath so the tile doesnt scratch the surface. I said no we dont, but maybe just dont move it about so it doesnt scratch? He sighed and ran off inside and when I asked what happened said that he should just accept that I will always be critical of everything he suggests and that the way I said that to him was very aggressive. I thought I was friendly and calm . So who is BU here?

Me and dh together 18 years. Pre teen,teen and adult dc.
The usual family set up.

We've just spent four solid weeks together.
There have been times when we've had to walk away from each other without saying anything because of little niggles. Especially at this time where nobody knows what's happening. Stress levels are high.

If we get like that with each other we walk away and then have a chat later on when we've settled abit.

You both sound very defensive towards each other op.
Is that something that's been happening a lot?

Just read your last post.

So have their been controlling issues before?
Is there a back story?

marblesgoing it has been happening a lot and mostly just over the past year that we've been cooped up. I dont know where it came from or what's causing it... and I've no idea how to fix it

You both need to let things go.

In your latest example, he suggested something and you went on google and found a random that agreed with you to prove him wrong. Tbh, it sounds like you like the last word as much as he does.

marblesgoing there were a lot of disagreements around how to raise dd, since it's our first child. We seemed to both have different ideas on many aspects and fought quite a lot. He threatened to leave at least 3 times, but not sure how serious the threats have been, he might have believed what he said in the moment. I approach things very rationally whereas he tends to be more impulsive. The controlling tendencies have gone down significantly now that dd I older and we have more of a routine, but guess the lockdown is getting to both of us

Praiseyou actually I think you may be onto something here, I do sometimes wonder how much I would like to stay in control myself... so if we are both trying to control one another there will always be issues... I guess what bugs me is when he is trying to control something that he is not even taking part in like taking care of the plants - go get your own greenhouse and plants and do whatever you want with them and I won't tell you how you should be doing things because they are yours to take care of? If this makes any sense...maybe I am over analysing this but I am at a loss of how to fix thing..maybe I need to practice letting things go

It's a difficult time for people, we are all a bit less tolerant. You do sound a bit condescending though.

Praiseyou well, we are both garden novices, so I was trying to find a third source of advice ( we often do this with garden related stuff or diy). I admitted that I didn't know much about this but that a few people answered this question online and this is what they do. Not perfect, but in absence of any other info on the subject, advice I could take. Of course I could have just agreed with dh and closed the greenhouse, but I really didn't think it was the right thing to do.

OP, I recognise myself from your post tbh. I used to be on dh for dirty dishes, clothes on the floor, etc and after some constructive discussions, I realised that I could be as untidy as him but he never mentioned it to me.

For me, it started when I was on mat leave. He was at work during the week and then at the weekend I would be appalled at him messing up "my space"; despite the fact he often came home from work to a bomb site but never said anything to me. (I knew where everything was in MY bomb site though )

I am a lot happier since I have let things go. Everything still gets done but I am not seething about it.

Sounds so like my DH who was also unemployed for ages. He’s now working in a warehouse, but still resentful and frustrated. He’s so critical of me and how I talk to him. So very similar.

Stop second guessing yourself. He’s the one with the issue!

Sounds like my ex...anytime I would say something he didn't like, mainly when I disagreed with him, he would accuse me of shouting and either start an argument or walk away bitching about me....he still does it now and we've been separated for nearly 4 years...some things never change

Op - It actually strikes me that you don’t come across so well in the garden incident

I’m sure he could have brought up some opinions on line to support his view. It’s a bit petty to show him stuff on the internet to support your view, unless we are talking facts. I don’t see him being controlling. I see him being a bit frustrated that he has an opinion but once again - you disagree.

Be honest - are you quite a defensive and stubborn person?

I must be reading a different thread to many of you on here.

On both examples he has approached OP whilst she is happily getting on with things. Both times he has criticised her without actually having a solution. He is just picking on her. Going out of his way to do it.

If he wants felt under the tiles, he can get felt, or think up an alternative. He could even have come out with the entire sentence explaining why he would prefer to wait and get felt. Instead he took a cheap shot at her causing self doubt.

He wasn't doing the greenhouse stuff, she was, but he couldn't trust her to research what she was doing. He went out of his way to pick holes and make further snide comments, againknockingher confidence. What a man.

Honestly, I have been in controlling relationships and these seemingly reasonable incidents make the victim look like the unreasonable one, but can you see the bigger picture?

It isn't her following him around picking holes in everything he does, it is him, chipping away at her confidence. He closes down any opportunity for her to challenge the behaviour by then blaming her further.

OP just tell him that he can let you do it your way or he can do it himself. But what isn't going to happen is you jumping to his tune.

What a prize prick you have there.