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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell them "how to live"

73 replies

Fromthebirdsnest · 21/04/2020 21:28

Wondering whether I'm being unreasonable as I certainly feel as if I'm being made to be , my brother and sister in law and 3 children have to come to stay in our self contained accommodation on our property they have been staying at my MILs since lock down (they were mid renovation and now are stuck 2 hours from home with no where to live!) We offered them to stay for a week or 2 here to give my mil some rest bite , they can stay here and be completely separate from from us , however they have been here since Friday and it 's driving me mad ,our nieces and nephew get up very early (12,10&6) and they keep letting them out in the garden at 6.30\7am, our children don't get up until after 9.30am so every morning they have woke us all up screaming ,we've said we will share the garden but not to let them on the play equipment as our youngest is just turned 4 so wouldn't understand If we told him to stay off it , we have a swing and slide by there accommodation they can use & multiply garden games stored there , I've seen them on it 3 times i text.to say please don't use it every time and I just get an "ok" as if I'm in the wrong ? , also the sharing of garden time our. Children get on really well and would try and play together , so I've said we will split the garden time and they keep letting them out during our children 's time so I keep having to bring our children in, there is a huge.park and field by.our house they could also use , and they let there children use our children's bikes ext while they watched on there patio .. There are other things like leaving in the car early and slamming the doors and waking us up & playing loud music when my 4 year old is asleep (think 9.30pm/10pm) with the sliding doors open, I've texT my sister in law about these things and I just get an "ok" and they carry on doing them ! My husband had to jet wash and disinfect the bikes and climbing frame as I'm in the shielding group so our children couldn't play on them until they were cleaned ... I rang my. Mil and she said they are in an awful position and I shouldn't tell them how to live ??? Aib u to want them to be considerate of us while. They live in our.home.?? X sorry for the long moaning essay but I've been shielding for 6 weeks and this.is making me utterly.misserable! X

OP posts:

goldfinchfan · 21/04/2020 23:15

You need to write out what needs to change and to have you and your DH sign it.

You are doing them an enormous favour and they have no consideration.
You are not trying to tell them how to live. In fact they would be so much worse off if you that they have tog.

Lay down your rules, no early mornings no moise in the evening. I can't believe they are so ungratedul

indemMUND · 21/04/2020 23:15

It's not rest bite. It's respite. However, you make the rules, you've done them a favour so they stick to what you say or they're out. If neither of you confront then you'll have to live with it.

indemMUND · 21/04/2020 23:15

From a distance of course

lottiegarbanzo · 21/04/2020 23:20

Simply, you need to stop asking and start telling. 'These are the rules. Keep them, or leave.'

They take no notice because they've never taken any notice of your DH. (Which is not the definition of 'niceness', rather 'doormat').

As pp says, where's the confrontation? Are they a family of hoodlums fresh off the set of Eastenders? Or are they people, with whom your DH can hold a civilised conversation? Conversation is not confrontation. It's very odd to view it that way.

Are you saying they're in the habit of screaming abuse at your DH? Threatening him? What?

RandomMess · 21/04/2020 23:30

Your DH isn't being nice and kind what he is saying is that he would rather upset you and your DC than his brother as the appearance of being wonderful to wider family is more important than you!!!

It doesn't have to be confrontational it just needs to be direct "brother this isn't working, if you want to stay longer you HAVE to keep the kids in until 8.30 so they aren't waking us up and you HAVE to stop them playing on the garden equipment and you HAVE to be quieter with the music else you will HAVE to leave, what's it to be?"

It's going to be far more ugly if it blows up.

I think seeing if MIL would move in instead seems like potentially a less stressful option on everyone. Perhaps they have also been disrespect of MILs hospitality?

Sushiroller · 21/04/2020 23:33

Send them packing.

You sound incredibly generous.
What idiots.

hepburnmed · 21/04/2020 23:33

Feel for you OP but don’t be bullied like this.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/04/2020 23:46

Ask your husband who he would rather have a confrontation with and when:-

His brother tomorrow
Or your mum when his brother’s behaviour causes you to catch Covid and she asks him why her daughter is in hospital.

Quizacabusi · 22/04/2020 00:33

Your husband needs to phone his brother and state clearly what the boundaries need to be else the arrangement for them staying needs to end.

Annarosez · 22/04/2020 00:44

Could you scan or take a photo of your shielding letter? Then your DH could send a copy of that, along with a request not to use the play equipment (keep the bikes in your house for the time-being).

He needs to mention that this is serious and life-or-death for you and the situation will only work out if they respect that.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/04/2020 07:20

You need to speak to them face to face at a distance or over video call on Zoom or whatever and ask them not to use the play equipment and other things needed to keep you safe. Texting obviously isn't working.

Sexnotgender · 22/04/2020 10:30

Your husband isn’t being nice. He’s putting his family at risk by not doing the right thing.

He’d rather placate his brother than care for his wife. That’s terrible quite frankly.

Original poster

Fromthebirdsnest · 22/04/2020 11:47

They were out again this morning at 6.30 am !My husband went out straight away and said that they had to go back in until 8.30-10.30, then they could go back out at 1.30/2 etc , he's said to keep them off the kids bikes and the junglegym and found an old bike of his for our nephew and a old bike and scooter for our nieces in the garage to keep by there annex , also has said about the music that was really load and the early morning car journeys ext they have kind of apologized but i think there in the feel sorry for us we are having a hard time so should be able to do what we want stance , but my husband said he was really firm , he has also suggested again that they sheild for a week so the kids can play and they could also use our house ext and they said they will think about.it , we also rang MIL and suggested that after the couple of weeks here maybe she moves in , she said she wi l
Think about it , but seemed keen she says she will shield if she does so she can see the grandchildren x I hope it sorts it's self out I hate things like this 🙈 x

OP posts:

opticaldelusion · 22/04/2020 11:52

Have they been in isolation at your MILs for more than two weeks with no symptoms? If so, I'd just join households and let the kids play together quite frankly. Although I expect I'll be called a MURDERER on here.

But tell them to STFU at 6.30 am. That's way too early to be making a racket.

Sexnotgender · 22/04/2020 11:58

No @opticaldelusion, OP has said they are constantly at the shops etc. No isolating at all and OP is very high risk.

OldEvilOwl · 22/04/2020 12:23

Since they can go out and you can't keep the garden for your own use only? They can go for a walk/to the field to get their exercise?

RandomMess · 22/04/2020 12:37

Good for your DH, I think moving MIL in sounds like it could work out.

PleaseStopSayingNewNormal · 22/04/2020 14:30

They're being ungrateful. Maybe it's not their "fault" that they find themselves in a difficult spot, but it's not your family's doing, either. Even if they think you're going overboard on precautions, they are relying on your hospitality and should be doing whatever you ask. This "ok" business (followed by no change in behaviour) would drive me up the wall.

The expectation that you (or MIL, or anyone else) should let them do whatever they want because life's not easy for them at the moment would infuriate me. They're not the only ones having a hard time right now. Certainly not a special case.

If they continue to disregard your requests, I'd tell them it isn't working and they'll have to move back with MIL. (I have very little sympathy for MIL and her need for "respite" when she refused to back you up and instead implied that you were micromanaging them.)

wibdib · 23/04/2020 12:55

I would ask bil and sil next time you/dh talk to them why they have a deathwish against you because life is so hard for you at the moment having to shield and it’s being made a whole lot more difficult because it feels like your kindness in letting them stay is not only being taken for granted as they act like inconsiderate CF neighbours who make like miserable for all around them but personally it’s very scary that they seem to hate you so much that their actions repeatedly show that they seem to want you dead - which means that you’re really not sure that you can cope - mentally or physically - with having them next door. Also mention that it would not be fair on your dc to not only lose their mum know that their aunt and uncle were responsible for your death or for you dn to know that their parents effectively murdered you as a result of their need to pop to the shops etc.

I know it’s scary to say it in these terms but you might need to, to shock them to see the consequences of their actions.

FrogFairy · 24/04/2020 16:50

You can’t reason with stupid selfish people. They are putting you at risk.
I would put money on them still galavanting.

In your shoes I would arrange for them to swap places with MIL as soon as possible.

Original poster

Fromthebirdsnest · 30/04/2020 23:34

Little update my MIL is currently self isolating completely in anticipation of moving into.the annex , I have arranged for.my cleaner to come and deep clean it in preparation for her move in (whilst wearing a mask and gloves we are.providing her ) we have also arranged a produce box and food from a local restaurant that have now converted to a shop to deliver that.morning and my cleaner will disinfect everything for her .. She wants to isolate to see the grandchildren and they are so excited to see her .. My bil&sil have been much better but are still doing small things to annoy us however there is an end in sight so it's not that bad and having my. Mil here will be lovely as she hasn't seen the children since March and we usually see her at least once a week usually more & we get on really well, + if the weather is nice then my cleaner has said if we can all sit outside she.will also do our house too in a mask and gloves(if it's not nice I'm tempted to sit in the car and put a film on for. The children 😂😂) so I'm very excited about that as standards are slipping drastically and I never do as good a job as her anyway ..I'm paying her double for both so she's happy with the arrangement too .. X

OP posts:

candycane222 · 30/04/2020 23:42

That's an encouraging update!

TheSparklyPussycat · 01/05/2020 00:10

Glad your plans are coming together

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