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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex H

52 replies

LittleDonkeyKong · 20/04/2020 16:52

Apologies in advance for the long thread!

I separated from my ex H 7 years ago when I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. Divorced about 18 months later. We have 2 girls aged 9 and 6.
Since then we have arranged maintenance and child contact been ourselves. I am now going to be going through CMS for maintenance and requesting him to get a court order for contact, here's why....
His attitude towards the girls has always been out of sight out of mind! Being able to be amicable to him has gone out of the window these past couple of weeks. I was furloughed last month and he was still working so we agreed the children would stay with me. He was furloughed 2 weeks ago so that in my mind changed things. Last week I asked him if he was having the girls next week as it had been 14 days since he was furloughed and his response was 'who said I would have them after 14 days?' He then started saying he would get fined for driving to pick them up which obviously I know he won't and I sent him screenshots from government websites stating its classed as essential travel. He then said he had spoke to his mum and she told him no he will be fined. I messaged his mum and attached the sane screenshots I sent ex h. I then get told his mum had messaged him and because I had as he put it 'spat my dummy out' now he HAD to have the kids (I don't believe he ever spoke to his mum about it and in response to the message I sent her she spoke to him asking why I had messaged her that). I then get slagged off by him for 'putting ideas into the kids head's that they would be seeing daddy soon!
He picked the kids up this morning with a face like a slapped arse. Half an hour later I receive a message off him saying 'just to clarify how long am i having these for? THESE!!!! that's how he refers to his 2 beautiful daughters! He couldn't even wait until he got back to his house to message me he messaged while driving!!!
I'm 99% sure the only reason he pays maintenance and has the kids for 1 night every 2 weeks usually is because his mum tells him he has to.
I suppose I just want someone to agree that he is a deadbeat dad and I'm doing the right thing making things legal after all these years of me 'forcing' him to see his children.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 20/04/2020 16:55

Just respond one night as per usual unless you wish to bring them back sooner?

Dont force him to be a father again?

Leaannb · 20/04/2020 16:56

You can't force him to have a relationship with his children. If he doesn't see them now he won't see them with a court order

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 20/04/2020 16:56

Why is the method of maintenance payment linked to whether he sees his children? You've not said he's stopped paying. He doesn't claim to see them often enough for that to really affect payment amounts. He's a dick and a terrible parent to show such a lack of interest in his children but I don't see how that results in you going to CMS unless he's not paying for them?

pigdogridesagain · 20/04/2020 16:58

Why are you trying to force him to be a dad when he clearly doesn't want to? He's a complete loser by the sound of it and your girls will pick up on his negativity towards them. They are better off without him in their lives if his attitude towards them is this terrible. Just make him pay what he has to and get on with your lives minus him.

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 20/04/2020 16:58

Bloody hell how awful OP. How do the girls feel about their dad?

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 20/04/2020 16:59

Could you perhaps maintain contact with your ex MiL? but not push contact with their dad if he makes the girls feel unwanted.

Original poster

LittleDonkeyKong · 20/04/2020 16:59

I am going to CMS as he controls when the money gets paid into my bank account. I dont want him to have that power. It varies from month to month and when I chase him up I'm 'nagging' him. I don't even care if the maintenance is less I just dont want to have to talk to him about it.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 20/04/2020 16:59

I get it sucks for your children im currently not forcing my ex so far its been 9 days since he last text and our son responded to him he has been on xbox he knows he can contact the kids that way if he wants to exclude me his choice not to I have reached the "when someone SHOWS you their true face accept it for what it is" stage of my lockdown

Runkatierun · 20/04/2020 17:07

Honestly why are you sending the girls there? He doesn't want them which is awful. I'd just leave him to it. If you're not working you dont need to worry about childcare or anything so just carry on at home

Original poster

LittleDonkeyKong · 20/04/2020 17:09

I honestly thought I was doing the right thing trying to maintain a relationship between them. Guess I aren't. They won't be going again unless a court of law tells me they have to.

OP posts:

cherrybunx0 · 20/04/2020 17:16

yeah my father didnt ever step up and the few times me and my brother went to him after mum and him split up was horrible. he was particularly shitty to my younger brother which was really unpleasant to watch.

I also think if I was in your position I'd be concerned how he was behaving towards them. I dont mean like putting them in harm's way but I mean if he was being dismissive and uninterested- I'd feel so sorry for them if that was the case

Original poster

LittleDonkeyKong · 20/04/2020 17:20

Cherrybun after receiving that message after he had left with them I feel so guilty for sending them

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 20/04/2020 17:21

Court orders are generally for the people fighting to have contact not people who think their ex should have more.

No court will tell him he has to have the girls at certain times if he hasn’t personally sought that.

Original poster

LittleDonkeyKong · 20/04/2020 17:21

No I'm going to stop contact and if he wants to see the girls he will need to apply for a court order

OP posts:

DahlingDahlia · 20/04/2020 17:23

CMS is your best option - if he's paying you when he feels like it he just has a stick to beat you with, as you have discovered.

As for him having contact with DDs, honestly why are you pushing for this? I wouldn't withhold contact but I certainly wouldn't be forcing it

Original poster

LittleDonkeyKong · 20/04/2020 17:25

I'm not having him decide when he wants the girls that suits him. He could leave it month's and then decide to have them and I'm not having the girls wondering when they will next see him. It's got to the point now where it's a court order or nothing. I've given him 7 years to prove himself and he hasn't.

OP posts:

CrazyBusyMum · 20/04/2020 17:27

OP, you’re doing your best in really difficult circumstances, going through the CMS is the right thing to do to formalise money to you & take that control away from him.
In an ideal world, I’d keep the kids to yourself but I know how difficult that can be.
Thinking of you.

frazzledasarock · 20/04/2020 17:29

I think CMS is an excellent move. It takes power away from him and removes the headache of having to chase him.

May I suggest that unless he specifically asks to have the girls, just don’t bother to contact him. Once he contacts you, politely tell him to get a formal court order so you are all aware where you are with regards contact.

Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t bother.

Original poster

LittleDonkeyKong · 20/04/2020 17:31

When the girls are safely back home I'm blocking him on all mediums and will message his mum to let her know what's happening, send her screenshots of her sons disgusting comments and tell her shes welcome to see them at my house. CMS forms are ready to go!

OP posts:

UnderCaffeinated · 20/04/2020 17:40

I agree with other posters here, let him come to you. When/if he does make it very clear that you want a set routine of contact for the girls, so that they know exactly when they can expect to see their Dad as chopping and changing and infrequent contact can be really upsetting and confusing to them. Even if that's just one weekend a month or every other Sunday or something, just give it some structure.

RandomMess · 20/04/2020 17:43

You don't need to get him to get a court order.

Just tell him the girls are available for contact every 1st and 3rd weekend of each moneys from x to y. If he doesn't turn up/want it that's up to him. Obviously whatever contact schedule that would work for you.

If you say he has to get a court order he will use it massively against you. Once you offer fixed contact then it's up to him.

I would email him and his Mum at the same time what contact you are offering from now on so he can't lie about it.

Yeah he's a deadbeat, your poor girls

Original poster

LittleDonkeyKong · 20/04/2020 17:54

I don't want to plan mine and my girls lives wondering if he will/doesn't show. I want a legal document.

OP posts:

cherrybunx0 · 20/04/2020 17:57

yeah I can imagine you did, it's horrible when parents arent bothered about their kids :( atleast they have you though!

I agree completely with frazzled btw and think you're doing the right thing

RandomMess · 20/04/2020 17:57

Even if he gets a court order you can't make him turn up, there is no difference between you offering him fixed contact arrangements and the court doing the same.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 20/04/2020 17:57

Give him your email address and tell him to use that for communication about the girls.
If you block him everywhere he has no way of asking for contact with them and that will go against you if he does take you to court.

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