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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to TTC at the moment

39 replies

Camenbertsmuggler · 20/04/2020 10:39

Before the lockdown DH and I were TTC DC2, we finally fell pregnant in January, but unfortunately i had a missed miscarriage and we lost the baby in March. I still haven't had a negative pregnancy test but that's another story.

Now were in lockdown i assumed it would be crazy to TTC and get pregnant, it would put me in the shielded group, i wouldn't be able to do the weekly shop anymore. And there would be added stress of attending antenatal appointments on my own. Not to mention the NHS doesn't need more patients.

DH thinks we should try again straight away, as the age gap is getting bigger (DS is 2.5) and were not getting any younger (i am 32 he is 41) and it could take us a few months to fall pregnant again like last time.

I just think with everything going on, i shouldn't cause more risk by getting pregnant.

His argument is that it could take moths anyway so should start now as we can't put our lives on hold.

So who is BU?

YABU - go for it start now
YANBU - don't put your family at risk and more strain on the NHS

Thank you.

OP posts:

Slippingcareer · 20/04/2020 10:43

I am continuing to TTC, as we’ve already been trying for 6mths. I am 36 and my husband is 44, so age is not on our side.

Based on my last pregnancy, if I did get pregnant I wouldn’t be able to leave the house much anyway so being in a shielded group wouldn’t make much difference to me.

I wouldn’t be surprised though if my opinion is in the minority.

AryaKidding · 20/04/2020 10:47

I thought pregnant women were in the socially distancing group, not shielding? Unless you have a further underlying health condition of course.

user1493413286 · 20/04/2020 10:50

It sounds like you’d be more comfortable waiting; it could take months but it could also happen in the first month. If you’d be worried if that happened then it’s not the right time

Lweji · 20/04/2020 10:53

I think I'd wait a few months. I don't think it will make a big difference.

Midlifebaby · 20/04/2020 10:54

Only you can decided - but as you’ve asked for advice, my advice (being 36.5w pregnant with my first & probably only) is to go for it.

You’ve experienced pregnancy before so you know what your body does, you’ve sadly experienced a mc so you know it can go “wrong” your OH is supportive so you’re in it together from the shopping, going out perspective, and as you might be knackered in the 1/ 3 trimester it’s a real silver lining that as a nation we’re pretty much staying at home / no social or other pressure there!

Some f2f MW appointments are now over the phone and scans have been reduced to the minimum, but the service is still well and truly there.

And yes, it’s mainly the mum to be & not an entourage that are at appointments, the birth and after etc but that’s not a bad thing - there’s a chance that having a baby has become a bit of a thing, with overhyped gender reveals, showers & an overwhelming number of visitors post arrival.

Enjoy this time as a little family, be it 3, 3+bump or 4. Good luck OP x

pooopypants · 20/04/2020 10:57

I was actually talking to DH about this last night as he has a friend who is TTC

We have no idea how long lockdown will last, we have no idea how long it will take for the NHS to recover either.

I wouldn't be TTC at this point, I was older than you are now when my DD5 was born, if that's any comfort re: age concerns.

BirdieFriendReturns · 20/04/2020 10:57

I’m in my mid 30s. Been trying for a few months with no joy. I see no reason to stop as it probably won’t happen anyway.

TheVanguardSix · 20/04/2020 10:57

YANBU: Nevermind the NHS, don't put strain on YOU, OP.

You've got time on your side and it's obvious you don't have fertility issues. I'd wait. If you were 38 onwards, I'd understand the rush. Don't feel pressured by age gaps and your DH's insistence. Also maybe, on account of the MC, you need some time to let the dust settle. It's been 3 months. Maybe you just don't feel ready. Isn't that a good enough reason? Your DH needs to be ok with that. Honour your feelings, OP. Your DH needs to respect them more.

Boom45 · 20/04/2020 10:58

I dont think pregnancy means you necessarily need to shield do you? My sister hasn't had the letter and neither has my friend. I'd probably keep TTC to be honest, but I'm probably not the most cautious person and my job does mean I can work from home so, if i were pregnant I would be able to socially distance quite easily and it wouldn't change much for me

Twigletfairy · 20/04/2020 10:59

I'm sorry about your miscarriage

Last I heard, pregnancy alone puts you in the vulnerable group not the shielded group.

If you're not comfortable putting yourself at more risk, put it on hold for now. At least wait until we are through the worst of it and then reassess how you feel then.

Its all well and good saying it may take a few months to get pregnant, but what if it doesn't? I was told I would have great difficulty conceiving, but I got pregnant straight away twice. A lot of women are also more fertile after a miscarriage.

I personally wouldn't TTC right now, but that's very easy for me to say when I had no plans to TTC. It is a very emotive subject with a lot of people in difficult circumstances. The head and the heart often aren't in tune

firstimemamma · 20/04/2020 11:02

The bottom line is that you're not keen on ttc now and it would obviously be you who has got to carry the baby. Listen to your gut. Even if this thread was 100% yabu, your instinct is more important on this one.

littlefawn · 20/04/2020 11:09

I'm 18 weeks and the only appointment I've had has been my 12 week scan, I'll have a 20 week scan then I don't think I'll have another appointment until 28 weeks. Abit different to my first pregnancy but it has been fine. However I've never had a miscarriage so not sure if the lack of appointments would make you feel uneasy?
My work has been very accommodating and I'm currently off work so I really don't go out as my husband does the shopping now.
It's depends on if you're working, would you be putting yourself at risk?

1990shopefulftm · 20/04/2020 11:11

You won't be in the shielding group, just considered more vulnerable, for me my asthma worries me more than my pregnancy risk wise for the virus at the moment.
I m 12 weeks so I got pregnant before lockdown , I had my booking appointment over the phone and need to go to my scan alone tommorow. It could be a while before everything goes back to normal. It's only you that knows what's best for your situation.

Racoonworld · 20/04/2020 11:27

Being pregnant doesn’t put you in the shielding group unless you have specific health conditions as well

Fredthefrog · 20/04/2020 12:02

We have been ttc and took a break this month but I dont want to wait over a year or longer as this illness may be with us for a very long time. I'm going to start again next month but I think you have to be comfortable with the decision so wait a bit for your body to recover and then decide.

Mistymonday · 20/04/2020 12:11

I’m just about to turn 38 and think we need to start ttc our first child asap- or risk it not being possible - but I think that if I had a bit more time, I would wait.

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2020 12:13

There’s no right or wrong decision here, it’s what works best in your own situation. If you don’t want to, that’s absolutely fine. There’s nothing wrong with deciding to go ahead though.

Desiringonlychild · 20/04/2020 12:17

I would say no. I was thinking of TTC, I am only 4 years younger than you, which I don't think is huge. Other than the money aspect, I was thinking pregnancy is a special time and I think it would be quite difficult/different with an overstretched NHS..like if you want a home birth, thats not possible now. And going into the hospital might expose you to more chances of infection..also is your DH good at helping with your older child as you can't get your mother or mother in law to help?.

OuterMongolia · 20/04/2020 12:29

This isn't really a case of one of you being reasonable or unreasonable - just different opinions. I'd go for it if I was you.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/04/2020 12:33

Pregnant women aren’t in the shielded group unless there is another reason. We are in the social distancing group.

So far, my antenatal appointments have happened as normal but I know that I am unusual. I’m 18 weeks pregnant so was already expecting before all of this started. It took 13 months for us to conceive so I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I had still been TTC during lockdown.

I agree with PPs that you need to be the one to make the decision as it would be you who is pregnant.

onanothertrain · 20/04/2020 12:36

Being pregnant in its self does not put you in the shielding group

Littlemissdaredevil · 20/04/2020 12:47

I’m currently 37w pregnant. You are younger than me but you don’t know how long it will take to ttc. My first took 6 months to conceive at 36 and with my second I got pregnant the first month at 39 (I am very lucky). However, I’ve had friends in their 20’s suffer from unexplained secondary infertility.

Being pregnant puts you in the vunerable group not the extremely vunerable/shielding group unless you have certain other conditions.

peardrops1 · 20/04/2020 12:50

I wouldn't TTC at the moment. We've decided to wait (I'm the same age as you and my fiancé is in late thirties). So much is still unknown about the virus, and the NHS is under unusual strain, so if you can afford to wait a few months, that seems sensible to me. But it's a personal decision, and I also get that some people feel they can't afford to wait (due to age, or other reasons). No judgment either way.

Littlemissdaredevil · 20/04/2020 12:51

@Desiringonlychild I’m booked in for a home birth. Some Trusts are still running a home birth service (but obviously this could change at any time)

HelloViroids · 20/04/2020 12:53

Just wanted to add my voice to those posters saying that pregnancy puts you in the “extra important to socially distance” group, not the shielded group - unless you have other medical issues like a congenital heart defect.

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