To think my self esteem issues are making me unlikeable?

[inlawsimnotsure]

I have a lot of time on my hands to think at the moment and I have had a realisation that I have serious self esteem issues and that manifest themselves to make me a not very nice person.

I'm jealous, bitter, insecure - I pretend to be nice but I'm not. And it stems from just not liking myself very much.

I'm embarrassed I don't have a great job or much money or a good education (I could have done better if I'd worked harder) I compare misery to everyone and struggle to be happy for others. I'm never happy with what I've got and I feel so much less than everyone else.

It's not a happy way to live - has anyone overcome this and built their self esteem up from scratch without therapy?

I'd be so so grateful for any tips - I want to be happier and nicer and not risk loosing this things I do have.

Losing *

OP nobody is perfect on the inside. We all have thoughts that are unkind but it’s how we choose to act that matters. If you’re doing the right thing on the outside don’t worry about the unkind thoughts on the inside. We’re all shades of light and dark. The choices we make not the thoughts we have that matter.

Thank you.

I just mean more tan my self loathing and comparing and horrible thoughts are making me unhappy and destroying my self esteem.

Is there anything specific you can identify that triggers these feelings, OP? For me it was being on social media, so I deleted my Facebook/Twitter profiles and it made a huge difference to my self esteem as I stopped comparing myself to people whose profiles made them seem like they were infinitely more successful, happy, beautiful, etc. Honestly it was one of the best things I’ve done for my mental health. If there’s nothing you can think of immediately, it might be worth keeping a diary for a bit and noting down the people, situations, etc that make these feelings worse. Also, try and be kind to yourself - the “be your own best friend” thing is a cliché but it’s important. I very much doubt that anyone else is judging you as harshly as you’re judging yourself. Good luck

What has worked best for me is to stop judging myself and other people. We are all trying to do our best, but some people have better toolkits than others!

I try and think more about other people and less about myself. I find that makes me happier and healthier.

All the old sayings seem to be true and if you choose to follow them you generally feel better and things become easier.

There’s a great book, When Things Fall Apart, and I highly recommend it when you’re feeling bad about yourself. The most important thing is that you have the self awareness to realise these ‘unpleasant’ things about yourself. We all have them. Have compassion for yourself and then extend it to others.

At least you've realised this now and you seem to want to do something about it, which is a start. Did something trigger it off or have you always been like it?

So, some of these might sound 'fluffy' but honestly, I found them really helpful...

1. write a shed load of Positive Affirmations on Post ITs...stick one on your mirror/front door/kettle/ steering wheel and that is your manta for the day! 2. Start speaking to yourself like you do to people in real

Life. Less criticism more compassion. 3. Isolate the things you are good at and biked on them. Are you good at yoga, improve in that...can you bake, then bake better, are you good at coding, learn a new language...start improving and you will feel better about yourself. 4. Look at doing CBT , it will help you change negative thought patterns and this will positively impact how you feel. All of these are baby steps which when combined make large differences. Good luck!

I can feel like this sometimes. I really hate that about myself and it just manifest to become worse.
I saw a councillor who was amazing and listened to every single worry I had. I've had to work very hard to "care less" about what people think of me, but I am super careful of what I say and do when I'm feeling negative. It's not easy. Some days are awful. To be honest, I'm so grateful for this lockdown time as it is really helping to put things into perspective. I don't contact the people who make things worse (not their fault but I'm like a moth to a flame and I kept gravitating towards them, being bad to seek their approval etc) and in reality, none of them have kept in contact with me.
I have to keep trying. Good luck op

@QuacksInTheDark I think her inner thoughts do matter actually. Not necessarily to the people she is thinking them about but to herself. Constantly being bitter and jealous takes a serious toll on the self esteem. You end up being a fake shell of a person. Saying one thing but constantly thinking the opposite.

It’s a very positive step that you’re acknowledging this OP so you can start by congratulating yourself for that. It is important that you keep working on yourself, letting go of these negative thoughts and feelings. I noticed that you ruled out therapy and I wonder why? It could be very beneficial to you, and you may find this work very difficult to do alone.

I’m the same

Hello OP... I know you wanted tips that did not include therapy. But therapy worked for me. I had feelings of depression and some amount of jealousy and loathing towards certain people for 10 years or so and couldn't find a way out. Certain events last year just made it worse. I also lost my job and thought since I had time, I will give therapy a try and self referred myself ( didn't have to go via GP). With the help of the therapist, we identified that the main problem was with me and my self esteem. She taught me various coping techniques which I was able to apply and turn negative thoughts into positive ones. As I did this, I felt like I had control over the my thoughts and reactions and this gave me a sense of confidence. I am still the same person with the same things, but I just don't think of myself and my life in context to that of others at all... the two are totally disconnected... and this has given me a sense of freedom. I don't even have to work to feel this way anymore. Hope you find what works for you.

@mommydragon wow I’ve been on the weight list for 2 years now

Wait*

I actually think this type of in-depth work is very difficult, if not impossible, to do without psychodynamic counselling or psychotherapy. And done properly will take a minimum of a year to 2 years.

It is absolutely life changing. I felt very similar OP, like I was useless and alone but had to hide this from everyone, put on a constant act of a confident, happy person. And I was so envious of others who appeared comfortable in their own skin and whom people genuinely liked because they could sense they were authentically themselves. Whereas I always felt like an empty shell and the external self was always running to catch up to everyone else.
I had two years of excellent therapy with a psychodynamic psychotherapist who essentially 'reparented' me. We went right back to childhood and I was able to understand why I felt the way I did and what had influenced me to feel this way... then to reassess these events and feelings as an adult and decide what was valid and what I could let go of.
I can't recommend it highly enough :)

Reading this thread with interest as I feel exactly the same as you OP. I’ve become very bitter and resentful and as a consequence I constantly feel lonely and isolated. I have no idea who I am anymore

It’s one thing to have poor self esteem but it’s another to be unkind to others as a result. Perhaps you are just too introspective? If you spend less time thinking about yourself and how you feel and more time thinking about others and how they feel it will make you a nicer person. It might also help you with your self esteem issues if you get used to seeing the world the way that other people do you might find that you begin to see yourself in a better light.

@redandblue123 ... I didn't have to wait long... could it depend on the are? ... But I did lose out on my last session because of the Covid situation and therapist mentioned that resources need to be diverted towards health care staff and people who are losing loved ones. So I think you might be looking at an even longer wait.

Have a look at the thrive program or search thriving at home. It’s normally a paid program (or book) but they’re doing a free thing at the moment releasing bits every few days. It’s not therapy - it looks at your approach not your problems.

I found it really helpful (I worked through it with someone but there are some free things on you tube)

Psychotherapy is definitely the best way for healing the emotional pain you are carrying. If you really cannot afford it and have to go the self-help route, I would say begin with Mindful Self-compassion. It's a way to begin to relate to yourself in a different way. See self-compassion.org/the-program/

Did you have a shitty childhood?

If you've never seen healthy self esteem modelled to you then you are effectively going to have to teach yourself. It can be done and no you don't need a therapist. I always found talking to a therapist made everything worse for me as I never felt understood or safe at all.

Things I found helpful
Myers-Briggs (online self test)
Power of Now (book)
The Unlost (blog)

I exlpored Buddhism for a while, then became a Christian. Getting baptised really helped me. I have memorised a few Bible verses that are my mantra when I feel the negativity coming back.

Ultimately I had to accept responsibility for my thoughts and actions. I had to discover what my own standards were and stop using other people's. I had to discover my true personality and accept that plenty of people will not like me, while a few will.

"What other people think of you is none of your business" - RuPaul.

You have been brave posting here and I hope you feel encouraged to continue down this path. Getting to the end of yourself is the beginning of finding true joy. (Buddhism there!)

Start with you - the more compassionate and less judgemental you are to yourself, the more this reflects in how you think of others.

It takes a great deal of strength to recognise when we're feeling bitter/low, so you've done the hardest bit!

Well done for recognising your issues and wanting to do something about it. Perhaps that shows you are nicer than you think you are? I know this is an anonymous forum but I do feel it's brave of you to be so honest and put it out on a forum where often keyboard warriors can behave horribly.

I'm jealous, bitter, insecure - I pretend to be nice but I'm not. And it stems from just not liking myself very much.
I know you don't want therapy but I think it is unlikely you can change how you feel about yourself without help. A professional counsellor who doesn't know you whose only interest is in helping people overcome any issues they have really is your best way forward.

I'm embarrassed I don't have a great job or much money or a good education
Lots of people don't have great jobs but it is never too late to re-train or do part time education to get a better job.

struggle to be happy for others.
You will never be happy if you feel like this.

I'm never happy with what I've got and I feel so much less than everyone else.
Is this all about material possessions? You do need some help to be able to realise that those things don't make us who we are. It is who we are - our character and personality that is important and not what we can afford to buy.

Please consider counselling so that your lack of self-esteem doesn't destroy the rest of your life. You are a nice person because you know you want to feel happy for others.

This isn't going to change overnight because, whatever happened to give you such low self-esteem (and you probably need to understand that) happened over time. It will take time to understand and reverse those feelings. I wish you well.

Thank you so much for so many replies. It's. much appreciated.

The reason I said no therapy is that I can't afford it and nothing bad has actually happened to me so I didn't think I would qualify for it via the NHS.

Thank you again!