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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say it's not the same! (Step children)

34 replies

TulaLulaa · 19/04/2020 19:49

Had a lot of fertility issues in the last couple of years and it's really starting to get me down. I was seeing a counsellor before lockdown.

My DH has children already who I get on with really well, they are great.

But my husband keeps making comments that upset me. I know he's trying to help, I know I'm probably being over sensitive but I hate it.

Basically it's always things like 'at least we have X & Y', 'we've got positive things in our lives, like the kids etc...' and other things like that. Basically suggesting that it's okay because at least I've got his kids.

It just makes me so irrationally mad. I want to scream at him that no, HE has the children, I don't. They are not my children and are in no way a substitute for my own. And in fact, as much as I care for them, they actually make me feel ten times worse when I'm struggling, being reminded that he's already a parent etc...

This is really nothing to do with the kids personally, they are lovely, lovely children and we get on so well. But they aren't mine and I hate the comments 'at least' I've got them when they in no way make this situation any easier, I appreciate they do for him, but not for me.

I feel like I can't say anything though without it coming across as rejection toward his children.

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 19/04/2020 19:52

YANBU Flowers

Original poster
TulaLulaa · 19/04/2020 19:52

Another example the other day I was saying how I'm just really sad that I may never get to experience being a parent and he was all 'but you are a parent, you're a step mum' and I was trying to say it's not the same but he doesn't get it.

It infuriates me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2020 19:54

You need to tell him exactly what you've written here. Yes, you love his children, but they are not a substitute for having your own baby, and that in no way diminishes how important they are to you. Your husband is not a mind reader, and avoiding this issue is only going to cause massive problems in your relationship. Your resentment will grow to a point that it will take over everything. Just talk to him.

rosieposies · 19/04/2020 19:55

I love and done my stepson, but it is different with my own daughter.

I think DH is trying to make you feel better - men always feel the need to 'fix' how you feel, maybe tell him he doesn't need to try and make you feel differently you just need him to accept how you're feeling x

OrangeCinnamon · 19/04/2020 19:58

Is this just a rant? if so it may be kinder to yourself to get this moved.

sauvignonblancplz · 19/04/2020 20:02

Your husband is just trying to be helpful , many women want to nurture , love and care for a child and that’s probably why your husband is trying to help in this way.
However the yearning to experience , pregnancy and have a child that is biologically both of yours is more than understandable.
Just talk to him and tell him you find those comments very upsetting.
Fertility struggles are heartbreaking OP, never underestimate the difficulty they bring both physically and emotionally.
It can be very isolating which makes everything feel like an attack.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2020 20:03

He’s just trying to help but you need to talk to him before the resentment gets too much. He also needs to know you View his children differently than him as maybe he thinks you don’t.

ChrissieKeller61 · 19/04/2020 20:03

It's not the same - in many ways its better, all of the fun and none of the 24/7 relentlessness ... probably not what you want to hear.
I do have a good story of a friend of a friend who was a step mum to his 3 for nearly 20 years then at 42 ffs got pregnant naturally.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 19/04/2020 20:03

That's your opinion but don't expect everyone to agree, DH is incredibly close to his stepfather and actually just calls him dad and has for many many years, if you suggested to FIL or DH that what they have isn't a parent child relationship both would be incredibly upset, and actually you'd just be wrong. In your case you don't see it as the same as having a biological child, you're husband isn't unreasonable not to share your feelings.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 19/04/2020 20:04

*your

midnightstar66 · 19/04/2020 20:05

I don't think many men would understand as they have never been the one to carry dc. Whatever anyone says it IS different. YANBU op

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 19/04/2020 20:08

For all those saying it's different would you say that to someone who had adopted a baby? It will be different if you hold those beliefs because it will affect the way you perceive and develop the relationship

Samtsirch · 19/04/2020 20:21

OP I think your husband is trying to be positive for you, but you need to explain your feelings to him as you have outlined them in your post.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 19/04/2020 20:26

For all those saying it's different would you say that to someone who had adopted a baby?

Well no, because an adoptive parent is a parent. It's very different to being a step parent who has no parental responsibility, isn't seen as that child's mum/dad, doesn't have any say in big decisions in said child's life etc...

Being a step parent and being an adoptive parent is not comparable (unless in the circumstances where the step parent either has adopted or is more of a parent than the child's biological one- which is not the majority).

Honeyroar · 19/04/2020 20:26

I know what you mean. I’m a stepmum and I couldn’t have children myself. It got me down a lot more than it did my husband, I don’t think he could ever know what it feels like because he always had a child and doesn’t know the heartache (although he does wish we’d had a child too). But years on, after coming to terms with it a bit, I do feel like I’ve had SOME of the experience of being a parent with my stepson.

gabsdot45 · 19/04/2020 20:27

Adopting a child is different than becoming a step parent.
When you adopt a child you are their parent and have all the responsibility for them.
The OPs step children have a mother, she has little or no say over how they are raised. That's up to their parents.
It's very different to adopting.

Samtsirch · 19/04/2020 20:27

@DontStandSoCloseToMe
But OP hasn’t adopted her husband’s children, they are her step children, not her own, as an adopted baby would perhaps be.
Your point seems to be related to a separate topic.
I don’t mean that rudely 😊

AintNoMaryPoppins · 19/04/2020 20:28

It's not the same - in many ways its better

Ahh so I'm assuming you wish your children were instead your step children then and had another mum?

Can we not suggest to someone going through fertility problems that being a step parent is better. It's like when people say 'oh being a parent isn't all its made out to be anyway, at least you get to sleep 8 hours a night haha!'.

Everyone knows the person saying it doesn't actually mean it.

Fedhimtotigers · 19/04/2020 20:39

I am so sorry. That is completely shit. You are of course right. It is not the same.
You've got to tell him. It's not fair for you to carry this. He's got to stop.

Point out to him.

  • If you were to divorce you wouldn't be a SM anymore. Would you be able to see the children again?
  • how often do you actually get to see the kids?
  • What big decisions do you get to make?
  • it's not just about how you view the child but how the child views you.
DontStandSoCloseToMe · 19/04/2020 20:43

@Samtsirch see my first post.

Samtsirch · 19/04/2020 20:53

@DontStandSoCloseToMe
Yes I had already read this before I posted
😊

Cherrysoup · 19/04/2020 20:56

Does he know how you feel? That talking about his dc is making you feel so bad?

MissyPG · 19/04/2020 21:01

YANBU

I totally understand your feelings and though not deliberate, your husband is being insensitive.

To the PP saying about adopted children, an adopted child doesn’t retain a mum and dad who are involved in their day to day life. OP cannot take the role of mum here, she will always be a stepmum (which is an amazing and important role but not the same).

If you have an urge to have a baby, fertility issues are incredibly painful and difficult to cope with. I would imagine having step children at times actually makes it harder.

Please be kind to yourself OP and speak to your husband about how you feel Flowers

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 19/04/2020 21:10

I’m so sorry, I hope you manage to have your baby. YANBU

bloodyhellsbellsx · 19/04/2020 21:13

No it’s not the same at all, I would feel exactly the same. I think your OH is trying to say the right thing but getting it very wrong. I hope you get your baby soon Flowers

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