Aibu to say it's not the same! (Step children)

[TulaLulaa]

Had a lot of fertility issues in the last couple of years and it's really starting to get me down. I was seeing a counsellor before lockdown.

My DH has children already who I get on with really well, they are great.

But my husband keeps making comments that upset me. I know he's trying to help, I know I'm probably being over sensitive but I hate it.

Basically it's always things like 'at least we have X & Y', 'we've got positive things in our lives, like the kids etc...' and other things like that. Basically suggesting that it's okay because at least I've got his kids.

It just makes me so irrationally mad. I want to scream at him that no, HE has the children, I don't. They are not my children and are in no way a substitute for my own. And in fact, as much as I care for them, they actually make me feel ten times worse when I'm struggling, being reminded that he's already a parent etc...

This is really nothing to do with the kids personally, they are lovely, lovely children and we get on so well. But they aren't mine and I hate the comments 'at least' I've got them when they in no way make this situation any easier, I appreciate they do for him, but not for me.

I feel like I can't say anything though without it coming across as rejection toward his children.

YANBU l would tell him he’s being insensitive and ridiculous. It’s totally not the same thing, super easy for him to say it is though

You are being more patient and nice about it than l would. Personally l don’t appear to able to have children and wouldn’t be making any lifestyle choices or sacrifices for someone else’s children. But then again l won’t date men with children

It is wildly different. My dp has children, I am childless. I don't get to make any decisions regarding my step children and am aware that of anything every happens between us I'll likely never see them again so you never totally bond in a complete way. It's more akin to being a nanny or a teacher tbh.

Your are allowed to feel pain for not having your own baby.

You are not unreasonable. I went through ivf and years of infertility. I’m childless. And people who try to cheer you up with “at least you have x” are well meaning but very annoying. You can still appreciate your step children and also be devastated you don’t have your own children.
Infertility is the most awful thing. Much love to you

I can see why he thinks he's helping and I can totally understand how it doesn't help you. YANBU it sounds really tough.

YANBU

Infertility is its own special kind of pain. It's almost impossible to communicate it to someone who hasn't experienced it.

I have a special drawer in my brain, tightly locked, full of comments and suggestions from friends, family and colleagues which were well-intentioned but caused me so so much pain.

Your husband is trying to help but when someone who is fulfilled as a parent says these things to someone who is grieving for their dream of motherhood which eludes them, it's incredibly painful.

It’s so hard to have this conversation with your dh because he may take it as an insult but surely he must realise his children don’t make it better. I definitely think it is much harder to be a childless stepmother than if you were childless together, when you would at least be in the same boat, could make the best of it together and you wouldn’t always have to watch your loved one enjoy something that is denied to you.

I have felt exactly this way and heard exactly the same platitudes, said by people who meant the best. My heart goes out to you OP and I hope you have the family you dream of 💐

@WineGummyBear exactly, it’s so hard. It’s like cake, everyone is eating cake and find it so easy to get. They love their cake! You have no cake, never have had any cake and no one will give you any. Then people start asking you why you have no cake (some questions are genuine concern and some are quite rude / mocking). But still you get no cake. You just sit their watching them shovel it down morning, noon and night. You also have to be nice about them doing this though. Or you’re jealous and / or “overly sensitive”

YANBU at all, OP. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you understand he means well, but these comments are not helping you.