To have told my friend to get a grip?

[strawberryFizzyDrink]

I have a friend, who always seems to feel sorry for himself due to his failed marriage and divorce 20 years ago.

We were talking (messaging) and he started talking (yet again) about how his ex wife betrayed him by finding another man and leaving him, resulting in the end of their marriage. That women are deadly and femme fatales. And how he feels his life is a failure because he didn't get married once and stay with her forever blah blah blah.

He has remarried and has a second wife, I told him he needs to get a grip and should be over his ex wife after 20 years . And I'm bored of listening to him feeling sorry for himself all the time . Was I a bitch?

No. Why is he moaning about his ex when he’s married let alone to you and not his current wife? No wonder she left him.

You’re a tiny bit of a bitch but you are dead right and he’s a bore. He needs to be told.

And if I was the current wife I’d be even more pissed off!

Why is he so bothered about his first wife when he has remarried. Sounds very odd to me.

You’re a tiny bit of a bitch but you are dead right and he’s a bore. He needs to be told.

And if I was the current wife I’d be even more pissed off!

Agree completely. Listening to someone bang on about their terrible ex is wearing enough for a couple of years but two decades? He needs a grip or therapy, or both.

You were blunt but if he's happy with the second wife why is he still moaning about this? 20 years is a long time, but he should have accepted that he made a mistake the first time round and moved on... . Is he happy with the second wife? Or is something else going on?
The comments about women being femme fatales and deadly is annoying . I hate it when people generalise and don't treat people as individuals. So I wouldn't have particularly sympathetic on hearing this either.

Does he have any redeeming features as a friend - eg does he listen to you when you are feeling upset/want to moan etc?
Is the conversation balanced so you both get to chat about things you want to or is it all his subjects/moaning/problems etc.
Does he also 'slag off' his current wife?
What are you getting out of this friendship?

If i were his second wife i would be sad to find out i was just the filler wife

I would be tempted to show his current wife those texts - I’m sure that would make him think twice about talking so much self pitying crap. It’s not that all women are femme fatales - moping around in self pity is just not attractive. I’m not surprised his first wife did a runner.

Sounds like his ego hasn’t recovered from his wife leaving

Definitely not BU.

Sometimes people just need a bit of short sharp reality

I don’t think you were a bitch, I think you were brutally frank and frankly, he needed to hear that.

You’ve done all of his friends and his current wife a favour. Although, if I were her, I’d be devastated if my husband was THAT hung up on his first wife after two bloody decades.

Bloody hell he needs therapy before he starts becoming a red pill fan. This happened 20 years ago and he's remarried and still dwelling on it?!

He needs a grip all right.

You were blunt, but I'd expect to be spoken to like that if I was repetitively going on about something from 20 years ago. It doesn't hurt sometimes for people to recognise their impact on others.

He sounds an arse - how disrespectful of his second wife to be banging on about the first failed marriage.

I wouldn't have said that, but I would have said something like 'This seems like a big issue for you, to still be talking about an event 20 years ago, and it's a shame your current life with your wife isn't making you happy. Maybe consider counselling to get over this?'

And then repeat, every time he bought it up.

Another one who can see why his ex left him

How wearing

Have a friend like this, difference being he never found another wife.

Yanbu he does need to get a grip. His poor wife!

We’ve got a friend whose DH left her 13 years ago. Every single time we meet up, no matter what the occasion, at some point she goes off into a rant about what a bastard he is, how much she dislikes him, how much better off she is without him and how she is totally over him. As a group we were very supportive for the first 7 or 8 years and we are still patient and let her have her rant but it’s getting a bit old now and you can see people’s faces shut down when she starts. It’s got to the point that I’m secretly very glad if she can’t make a social event and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. If she is still doing this 20 years on I doubt she will have any friends left. Perhaps one of us should call her out like you did OP.

That women are deadly and femme fatales.

Why are you even talking to this fuckwit? He's nothing more than a pathetic woman hater. Find a better friend.

YANBU. Might have been better to gently suggest that it was apparently bothering him to the extent that you were worried he needed some outside help with, eg counselling, but maybe you have tried the gentle approach, and it fell on deaf ears.

You may now find you have become the wicked witch of the west, but he sounds extremely trying, and I feel very sorry for his wife, it sounds like his bitter and twisted attitude must be tainting that relationship a lot. When I was reading your post, I got the impression that he was some kind of Mr Havisham, but that is clearly not the case.

These are his own self pitying problems,and he needs to get real if he has a normal brain function.Maybe he is drinking when messaging you,and being morose and living in the past with this woe is me stuff, so you are in the right,to tell him to get a grip, and not to worry about his mindset.

Sounds like he’s after Wife no 3, tbh. You were perfectly right to shut him down, was s disrespectful shit he is being to his second wife.