To want my DP to stop being on phone when with DD?

[Whatthelockdown]

My DP loves my DD lots, she our first child, but, i feel he doesn't really know how to interact with her, i feel he finds it a complete chore sometimes to be left with her as she just screams at him. Probably why lol.

He is often on hks phone playing mobile online games, ive come in a few times and she is crying or shouting at him and he's in the middle of a game which seems way more important than her.

We use reusable nappies ive tried explaining so many times how they go on, sat with him, showed him, given him pics of how to do it and he just doesnt care and then they leak.

He gets VERY frustrated with her when she starts getting tired and sad, cant settle her, makes it a massive deal and doesn't shout nut obviously gets worked up which we ALL feed on.

aibu to ask him to start doing a bit more?

How do i go about asking this in a polite way as whenever i suggest things it feels like he feels like im criticising him when all i want to do is help and make their bond stronger.

Im at my witts end and i love him dearly but at this point im getting a bit sick of it and it's going to start taking a toll on our relationship and in the end break it.

Could he use disposable nappies when he has her? What is his opinion about nappies?

Could he take her out for a walk so he can't play on his phone?

He sounds like he's not very good at doing things your way. Does he have any ideas about his way of doing things? Or could you leave him to it in the above ways (walks/nappy type) and force him into stepping up without realising.

@kenandbarbie he was the one who wanted to use them as all his family have used them on him and brother and eider family network. I didn't even suggest it.

I guess so, but, surely sitting and putting a phone game first because he might lose over his DC crying is a bit OTT?

He needs to find his way of doing things rather than replicating your way.

Each reusable nappy make can fit slightly differently and there's a knack on fit. People can get leaks even if they are trying. Can he not use disposables when he's with her. Nappies seem like a needless thing to be causing conflict.

Could he put her in a sling and go for a walk as bonding time to start with?

@LolaSmiles we use the same brand, trust me i know and ive gotten frustrated with them too. Just hard to explore a way of making them work properly. I could suggest that :)

Cross posted OP.
If the reusable nappies was his idea then maybe he is actually trying but just hasn't quite got the fit yet.

We've had loads of leaks this week because DC has had a growth spurt and sometimes we've not got the legs right.

Or could he have felt obligation to go down that route because everyone in his family has? Some people can be quite sanctimonious and evangelical about their parenting decisions.

@LolaSmiles so how would you go about this situation? I know he is trying and maybe it is just lockdown causing it to be like this as we usually have a very solid relationship. Being together 24/7 isn't easier either. They are a very tricky thing tk get the hang of don't get me wrong! I just want to work through it together so we haven't potentially wasted all this money and time on them

Or he could just be a parent like OP is!!!!!

How old is your dd

@Ilovethekittehs 8 months nearly 9

Well it doesn't have to be one or the other. You could still use both. Or maybe reusable aren't for your baby, I know we could never have used them. I like pampers because I can be sure of no leaks. Try a packet of disposables and see how that goes.

What about the walks in buggy or sling? He could bond with her doing that. My dh also likes dancing with our dd to Alexa in the kitchen, brushing her hair, cuddling her while she naps and he watches telly and reading her stories. You could buy a book about daddies or get a make up bag and put bobbles and brushes in it for him to use.

I understand people are saying he should just parent automatically. Not everyone comes naturally to parenting and a bit of a prod in the right direction could help.

Personally I'd keep the two things separate.

On the nappy front, if you notice where the specific leak is then could you not give him a direct tip. Eg. "I saw there's some leaks on the leg creases. I found double checking the elastic is tucked in helps / I found it was much less hassle if I squeezed the middle into the knicker line when putting it on to avoid having hassle of adjusting".

On not engaging much, if you've normally got a happy and healthy relationship then I'd maybe have a talk about where he's at, how he's feeling about parenting (assuming he's not a lazy PITA).

I like the idea of putting her in a sling and taking her for a walk. I do think asking him to put his phone down is a good idea. He's never going to settle her the way you do but he won't work out his own way if he's not engaged.

He needs to stop being a lazy dick and start being a parent. Zero excuse. If he died bf change, he can get out.

• doesn’t, not died bf

Sounds like the nappy issue is deliberate helplessness on his part. Tell him he either learns to use them or you will get reasonably foolproof disposable ones that can put on. And tell him to grow up and parent his child.

It sounds like he can't be arsed and that she's at an age where he doesn't 'get' much for her. Sounds very painful to watch. I'd lose my rag with him.

From her**

He’s disengaged with her because he’s lost confidence.

I think if he was honest with you (which he probably won’t be) he would say he can’t seem to get it right, you keep telling him what to do and it doesn’t help that she loves you more than him, and she cries when around him. What’s the point. You’re much better with her anyway. Why dont you just do it. Phone games are more rewarding. I’ll do more when she’s bigger... yada yada. (Btw that’s not true but I reckon it’s what he thinks).

He’s given up as a game is more satisfying. He’s not bonded the way you have yet. He’s also lazy, like my ex (couldnt work the washing machine despite being shown multiple times, lazy shit thought he’d get out of it. Oh no you won’t).

Anyway, think the source of milk/food is always going to be welcomed! Whether breast or bottle or food. Perhaps he could feed her more often so she associates him with food?

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him about this. What you want to say and what you do say will be two different things! If you’re tactful and hold back a bit it may be beneficial. (You can always go mental at the lazy bugger later)!

You could say things like:

“I’ve had the unfair advantage because she was in my body, because I breast fed, because I didn’t have a choice, remember how hard it was for me to settle her in the early days? It was hard but I just got in with it because I had to. You haven’t had that chance yet and I’ve been unfair on you by doing it all. It’s time for you to bond with her. Without phone games. You can’t watch her and do them at the same time. What can I do to help you?”

And do what he says. You’ll need to make him and heap praise on him for every little thing he does right but without seeming to patronise him.

I’ve found that this approach has worked for me. If not I’ve lost the rag and told the truth.

With the nappy situation are they being washed correctly, changed often enough and have you sized up on clothes/use vest extenders?

Ours will sometimes leak if we've been busy and I forget to change them quick enough.

I've got a good fit guide somewhere. Will try and find it somewhere.

I think some PPs have really babied their partners, nothing would turn me off a man quicker than having to praise him for tiny every day parenting tasks. My daughter is 7 months and she settles with me quicker as I breastfeed. DP still does things with her and I can work full days whilst he looks after her as well as I do.

He is her parent too. It is just as difficult for you but you're expected to just crack on since you're the mother. He's being pathetic, tell him he doesn't need to do things your way, but he does need to be able to look after your joint child just as well. It sounds like he's doing a shit job on purpose so you're forced to do everything.

WaterOffADucksCrack
I wouldn't call it babying to share tips on getting cloth nappies to fit. DH told me that he felt DC needed to go up a rise last week. Was he babying me? Was I being deliberately incompetent (as some posters have claimed OP's DH is being)? Or are we just two parents who haven't used cloth nappies before learning as we go and sharing what we've found works and doesn't work?

I can't be arsed praising anyone for basic tasks, but honestly the attitude on here of 'must be a lazy dickhead, can't be bothered to parent' tells me more about those posters' experiences with men than anything else. Plenty of parents, mums and dads, find different stages of parenting difficult and I've known numerous people withdraw when things have been tough or mums feeling overwhelmed and crap when they can't get baby to settle, dads who feel inadequate because baby settles more with mum due to the bond of breastfeeding. In all those situations talking as a couple and even counseling for individuals has been useful. It's a good job their partners didn't call them lazy dickheads who can't be bothered to parent'.

In an otherwise happy relationship, what's gained by instantly demonising someone?

Nappies are definitely being washed properly.

He's not lazy, he just struggles sometimes, I dont know, maybe it is a lack of bonding im not entirely sure, but, it just i rates me a bit when he sits on his phone when she needs interaction, she should be better than any phone game, in my eyes she is. That bond is never going to happen while he just sits next to her, phone in hand, no communication to her. She gets all upset as its happening then when he stops and plays she stops occasionally. I dont know, maybe i read to much into it.

I know he loves her so much, I can tell that but, he just has no patience and its frustrating me. I want to sit down and talk about it but i keeo mentioning small things, not even out of spite or try to be condicending but it must come across that way.

We are both totally new to the nappies, i get they are difficult but we made a joint decision to use them, they cost a lot of money to set up and yes, its difficult but i am trying my hardest to show him, give him gentle points in the right direction but i feel he ignores me and just watches the TV or continues on his game, which i dont feel is fair.

Yes, its got to be damn hard seeing baby settle with me easier, me adapt to nappies quicker etc etc but, he doesn't want any help it seems to over come this, so im stumped, crying in the bathroom as I feel like im alone. I love him so much its unreal but im so fucking frustrated at the moment, he usually works from 7-5 so isnt around a lot so i suppose he doesn't get the routine but, we only started the nappies full time since he's been off work and its been over a month.

Maybe im being pathetic and completely unreasonable but i feel like i need more support i just dont know how to ask.

A PP mentioned a way but ive done that, i come in wjen she's crying and hes on his phone and say 'oh she just wants some interaction, hey baby' and she stops, 'oh see when i do it, i make sure all the elastic is around the bum, no white bits showing, can you see?'

What else am i to do?

I made the solid transition his role so she sees me for BF and him for purees and adult foods, which is sort of helping but, still again, he doesnt focus on her he is too busy watching the telly and i feel she is a side thought.

He alwaus wanted to be a dad, we spoke about ir for years, its not like we have only been togetherba few years, its a long time. So much love, time, effort and memories into this relationship i dont want to just give up but ive tried everything even losing my rag and it doesnt helo for more than a week.

It sounds like he can't be bothered, the phone thing would drive me mad. It's not fair on your daughter to be ignored in favour of his phone.

I wouldn't call it babying to share tips on getting cloth nappies to fit. it's a good job that isn't what I said then 😂