Husband. Health. Helpfulness (lack of?)

[LouisaMusgrove]

My husband is 10 years older than me and the age difference is enough to put him in the vulnerable category.

Nonetheless he is very fit and healthy - taking a lot of exercise - and some tests he did revealed that he had the metabolism of a man 15 years younger than his actual age. He liked to boast about this

However, as soon as Covid-19 came along, he was (rightly) concerned. He dropped all the boasting about how young he was and declared his intention of putting himself into lockdown as soon as this was advised - this was about a week before the general lockdown. This was a declaration. It wasn't framed as, 'This is what I think I should do, despite my excellent health. How do you feel about the way it will impact on you and our liives togeher?''

For the first week I was working and also - like many people - dealing with trying to buy food for us both at a period of panic buying. Then we went into lockdown and supermarkets got more organised. However, I am now the one who has to deal with queuing up for groceries. It's as if I am the one who has to take all the risk of carrying out essential tasks, while he sit back and lets himself be looked after.

I should add that he's never smoked and has no underlying health conditions. It is simply his age and sex which puts him at risk. My own health background is that I had a severe viral illness when I was younger and can still get very hard hit by viral infections. So though I'm younger and less at risk because of being female, my health history is probably worse than his.

It's a small thing that has broken the camel's back. Normally, if my husband was cooking - we take this pretty much by turns now that I'm not working - he would either go out and buy what he needed freshly or get something out of the freezer first thing. We are now planning what to cook for some days in advance, I'm buying everything and freezing the meat and fish. (He likes to cook with meat, chicken etc - I tend to cook more vegetarian stuff.)

What has been happening though, is that when it's his turn to cook he forgets to defrost the ingredients he need. And I really don't want that additional task of reminding him on top of the responsibility of shopping. So a few days back there was a lot of panicky defrosting of minced beef and frozen sauce in the microwave, by late afternoon. This morning again, I realised he'd not remembered to get pork out of the freezer, and I decided to prompt him - not wanting to deal with the possible problems of hasty defrosting. 'Isn't there something you've forgotten? Something domestic?' The same thing that you forgot to do on Wednesday and then had to deal with in a hurry?'

He really didn't get it, so in the end I told him.

But I'm not going to remind him again. Next time if he forgets it'll have to be beans on toast. If we have enough bread. Or beans.

There are limits to how much looking after I am prepared to do.

So you're having to do all the shopping and he sometimes forgets to defrost stuff?

Are there other issues? I don't see it from what you've written but I realise this may be straw that breaks the camels back.

This has also reminded me we forgot to take meat out of the freezer for today's dinner!

Don't remind him. But I don't really see the connection between forgetting to take things out of the freezer and him quite understandably protecting himself according to official advice because he's in the vulnerable age category. That's what he's supposed to be doing. You sound pretty resentful of him and are making a bizarrely big deal out of 'hasty defrosting' tbh. I regularly forget to take things out of the freezer. That's what the microwave is for.

It sounds to me like he has declared himself as more at risk and left it to you to take care of everything, even stuff that he was doing before. So you’re having to pick up extra tasks and the mental load associated with them, as well as having your own concerns re health etc? He’s effectively ducked out of being a responsible adult and that’s not fair on you.

It's not about who does what. It's about the mental and practical load being all on one person.

Have you asked him how he is feeling? Maybe he is depressed as forgetfulness is a key sign. Put a sign up somewhere on the house reminding him. In the kitchen anywhere. I'm not sure his gender puts him at risk anymore than anyone else to be honest so for me it's just the age factor. A lot of men are dying because they are mostly worn out and in very poor health due to other factors than gender. So it's more about the general health of the person. But in all honesty even that isn't a considerable worry by the sounds of it. I don't know maybe try and see how he is feeling and then put a sign up. Maybe if you chat to him and try a consultative approach you may find the source of the problem isn't as obvious as once thought.

If he’s 70+, he is at a higher risk of dying than you are. I think YABU unless there’s more to this than you’re saying.

Is there anything you can do to make this easier on yourself to reduce the resentment? Get a takeaway or delivery? Take some time for yourself somehow? Maybe just tell him the strain you’re feeling about doing the shopping, a problem shared is a problem halved or whatever that saying is.

So basically he's forgotten to take stuff out of the freezer a few times

Sorry OP but I don't really see much of a problem here tbh. He's following guidelines by isolating himself. If you also need to isolate due to your health, ask a relative or friend to deliver supplies to you or sign up for help with this. The reminders to get food out of the freezer are really not a big deal.

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do, but I really don't see it as a big problem.

If he has to shield or isolate due to his age then it's quite right he should do so.

It's pretty alarming how few fucks are given about men's physical and mental health on this forum.

Vulnerable man in his 70s elects to stay out of harm's way during a pandemic, MN rolls its eyes and witters about mental load, man-children etc.

Write the menus for the week out and stick them on the fridge along with who is cooking, easy.

He's a very healthy man of 71 and I am a woman of 60 who had really severe ME/postviral fatique syndrome and still can get absolutely knocked out by common colds - my muscles can pack in and I have to retire to bed. He didn't know me when I was really ill - I was effectively bedridden in my late twenties and early thirties. But he has seen me absolutely poleaxed by colds, crawling upstairs etc because of a resurgence of muscle fatigue.

So I would have liked a discussion about how to evaluate risks. On the other hand I think he is more fearful than me. I'm just observing the advice re social distancing and handwashing, limiting outings to shopping and exercise.. On balance I don't mind doing the shopping.

But I would like him to step and show support on the domestic front, so I felt the load was, in some sense, being shared - even though I am doing more of the stuff to do with going out.

That's one poster dancingbear. One. The majority of replies are not seeing what the op's problem is. So if you're going to use this one thread out of thousands to fit that narrative you're going to struggle.

*Isn't there something you've forgotten? Something domestic?' The same thing that you forgot to do on Wednesday and then had to deal with in a hurry?'

He really didn't get it, so in the end I told him.*

But that's so passive aggressive, unless going to your freezer is such an epic trip that takes ages, why not just take it out and say "that's the meat out of the freezer for dinner"?

*Isn't there something you've forgotten? Something domestic?' The same thing that you forgot to do on Wednesday and then had to deal with in a hurry?

Yes. FFS. why not just say 'have you taken stuff out of the freezer for tea?'

Sounds like you're spoiling for a barney.

OP, if you are putting yourself at risk getting all the shopping, I don't think its too much to ask that he does all the cooking.

You are facilitating him by reminding him.

Stop reminiscing him.

Reading between the lines, I think you feel he's been very unconcerned about your health through this, and you are not impressed.

I wouldn't be impressed either.

Take a big step back.

You sound like his carer when he doesn't require one.

Big step back OP.

If you are both planning meals in advance, set a phone or Alexa reminder to defrost when you are at planning stage.

I am trying to think what the situation would be if our roles were reversed and I was the older one.

I think I'd have said, 'Well now according to official advice I'm supposed to limit going out and if I follow it, that means you as the younger one would end up doing all the shopping. How do you feel about that? Would you be happy to do that and do you think it's fair? If you end up doing more - which you will - what can I do to support you. What about your own health, which has been really bad in the past? How can we both look after ourselves and stay health?'

But this never happened. He just emerged from watching the telly and said, 'Right the over 70s are meant to stay in now, so I'm not going out any more.'

(Which is a bit of a change from the previous tack which was, 'Oh I'm not really old, because all the researchers said I have the metabolism of a guy in his mid-fifties.)

Yes, but being pleased (or even a bit boastful) that you're healthy for your age really doesn't mean that you shouldn't follow medical advice for your age group. As for your suggested discussion... if dh and I were in your situation, no discussion would be needed tbh. It would be taken as read that if one of us were in the vulnerable category, the other one would do the shopping. If he is generally failing to do his bit around the house, then that's a different matter and isn't fair. But I fail to see why your one shopping trip a week should equate to him doing all the cooking as a pp suggested.

Nope op I completely agree with you. If he needs to shield himself then that doesn't mean that can't step up in other ways, no reason at all that he can't organise deliveries or pick up he slack in other ways. It sounds to me like he isn't great at communicating with you and negotiating how you both make this work for each other. He does need to shield himself but that doesn't make everything your responsibility. I wouldn't be reminding him endlessly, he needs to learn for himself. You don't have to just do it for him because each time you do this he learns to leave it to you. Your health sounds shaky and you may be right about being at risk too. You also deserve consideration.

It’s quite hard to relinquish the mental load, but I’d guess that the only way to do it is to stop reminding him and let him work it out for himself eventually. It can take time for people to adjust to new routines and new responsibilities. If you find yourself seething at the unfairness that’s only natural, but if your goal is to see things change you may have to put your frustration aside for a while.

However, I totally agree with you that he should have discussed the risks to both of you rather than just deciding to self-isolate.

Have you tried talking to him about it ?

If you have health issues yourself then you'll need to work together and arrange online deliveries or help from community support groups.

He's doing the right thing by staying home and protecting himself. He's not stopping you doing the same thing, is he?

instead of silently seething about it tell him seeing as how you have to do all the outside things, and work, that he needs to pick up the slack and do a few extra jobs to give you a break, and give him a chore chart!

He is not unreasonable for shielding. He is unreasonable for his lack of thinking ahead. It is very frustrating O had serious words with my partner last night. I don't have the time or energy to think or remind an adult I'm reflecting lots on how much of the mental load I deal with.