Calling help from parents of teenage boys.

[HowFurloughCanYouGo]

I have a 14 yo DS. He's a really good, kind, lovely kid.

He has social media, Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat.

I also have Sky Shield which so far has been really good with stopping things like gruesome pictures and porn. It's not 100% though.

I check on DS's phone sporadically, and it always seems absolutely fine. A tad bit of swearing but mainly he's catting to friends, and filming his hobby.

Last night, he called me a bitch (he got angry with a game) and I was shocked, offended, so I took his phone off him for the rest of the night.
I noticed him looking at a photo on Instagram of a man fingering a woman.

On Instagram!! How does that even get on there?!

I've got Instagram and I've seen pictures of dead babies so I know nasty stuff gets in there.

I check the rest of his social media. I can't see what picture he's sending and receiving on Snapchat because they are instantly deleted.

What do I do?!

Ordinarily I would delete all social media. But he would at least get to do his hobby and see his friends.

During lock down his ONLY means of doing these things are via social media. Texting won't cut it, not with his hobby unfortunately.

I need to pick my battles, I need to handle this correctly.

What do I do?

Can I have sensible answers from those who actually have children who are teenagers please.

Bump

Personally, I'd be more worried about him calling me a bitch. That would be a definite phone ban for today and a few extra jobs.

Although, you're right the instagram stuff could mean that he's watching other stuff that's less suitable.

We have a parental control block on all the kids devices, that not much seems to get through.
www.qustodio.com/en/

I have an almost 14 year old.

Thank you.

Yes the bitch thing bothers me more, I didn't want to admit that because I thought my feelings were misplaced given what I'd seen.

He doesn't usually insult anyone and he was immediately sorry afterwards. Not that that makes it ok!

He will be paying penance for this. I just wasn't sure how to handle the social media thing.

I will look at that link thank you.

OK, I have a teenaged boy.

I can't get overly worked up about this. Teenage boys and girls are going to see the content they want online. I'd feel differently if he was sending pictures of himself or soliciting pictures from girls/randoms, or chatting about hateful shit.

You said he's a good kid. Nows the time to chat about what you see online, about healthy sexual rekationships, about how porn is generated, about staying safe online, about growing up, about your digital footprint, about the false reality of SM.

Ultimately you have to decide where to go with this. And how to handle it. I'd try and keep him inside and lines of communication open between the two of you. The last thing you want is him closing you off at this young age.

My boys are older now but nobody else is coming along 😊 Embarrassing as it may be you need to have a conversation with him, not a "I can't believe what you have done" conversation, more of a "I can see what you have been accessing and we need to have a chat about what is appropriate for you to be accessing online" conversation. The stats for boys, much younger than yours, accessing porn are huge. At least it's not rape/violence. It is important not to shame him - sexual curiosity has always been a thing, it's just easier to access explicit stuff these days. Use it as an opportunity to talk about consent, how he would feel if it was his sister/cousin etc. and people could see it online. If you can normalise sex and talking about it things will be much easier as he gets older. Making it something to hide is not the way to go. Good luck.

*onside

That Qustido looks excellent!

That's exactly what I'm after!!!

I'd feel differently if he was sending pictures of himself or soliciting pictures from girls/randoms

This is EXACTLY the thing I'm worrying about 😭

I can't get worked up about what I saw. I am
getting worked up over the pictures and content he is sending and receiving that I can't see. That's what's bothering me.

We have a really open, frank conversations. He says he tells me way more stuff than his friends tell their mums. I know he won't tell me everything, but I've had countless conversations with him about online safety. Not sending dick picks until he's at least 25 and then NOT sending them with his face in them or to a person who hasn't asked for it.
And even then, maybe don't do it!

Seriously though, that website has helped a lot.

I think if you go in very heavy handed it will just make him more secretive. All young people have a finsta, so you are not even seeing the half of it. My kids were absolute assholes, but they always knew they could come to me about anything and I would not judge (of course I did fucking judge, but trod very carefully so as not to scare them off fully) It was so hard, but it paid off. You also need to constantly have conversations about respecting boundaries and trying to eliminate misogynistic attitudes and language.
Also teach him not to send unsolicited dick pics ever. It is fucking rank.

I have 14 year old DSS who lives with us.

14 is a strange age and hormones are all over the place. We knew DSS has accessed porn online so DH had a talk with him told him porn is not how sex and relationships work it's far from reality ect ect. He's very open and honest with us because we talk and not over react and make him embarrassed.

One of his friends may of tagged your DS in that Instagram post or one of his friends could of told him about it and he's looked out of curiosity. I wouldn't let on that you have seen the pic because he'll just try and hide stuff from you. What he's looking at is what most 14 year old boys look at it's not out the ordinary.

14 year olds know a lot more about sex than we think. Everything is more sexualised now compared to what it used to be so they are more curious now. If he wants to access certain things on the internet he will one way or another so guide him the right way maybe get his dad to talk to him.

I grew up with 5 big brothers and at 14 15 16 they had posters of girls in bikinis in there room.

14 year olds these days are a lot more "grown up" than we think. Life is completely different for them as to what it was when we were 14 with technology social media and what's online. Life nowadays for teenagers must be harder than ever.

I have two 18 yo DS. I have never checked their social media and have no traffic filters in place. We felt that it was better to soeak to them about dangers and what is and isnt acceptable and trust them. They have come.to us with any issues (one was.o ce friended by a random guy and we blocked him) and other questions but so far no issues. We both believed it was better to educate and trust than police. Re the bitch comment, if he has apologised and is genuinely sorry I'd accept his apology and move on.

I’ve got three boys, eldest is 16 and 13. Neither of them total angels but no real trouble either compared to their peers. I’m not a perfect parent and often lose my temper when they are grumpy and rude but in EVERY situation, including the one you describe, my learned experience is to talk to them. This means not responding in the heat of the moment and picking the right time for a 121, keep it brief but calmly explain your concerns and listening to them talk. I’ve had similar, not very frequently but still. I learned quite by making mistakes with the eldest that responding by taking away their only means of communication just made a bad situation worse. Quite often I’ve found that they get really annoyed with themselves because they know what they’ve done is wrong but they continue to direct that anger in strange ways so best to leave space for everyone to calm down. With the swearing, I start a conversation by letting them know that it isn’t nice, isn’t acceptable and that if it happens again, there will be consequences (I stop pocket money if things get really bad or for the 13 year old, he has to miss an Xbox session). I also ask them how they would feel if their Gran/Nan heard them use that language. It’s a bit of emotional blackmail but very effective. Nearly always, you do tend to find out what they were ACTUALLY angry about however badly expressed. It’s not pleasant but I’ve realised that it’s low level in the grander scheme of things provided it isn’t happening regularly.

With the images, we’ve always tried to keep a brief but ongoing dialogue about the porn industry and exploitation or about the laws around sending explicit images within peer groups especially if u16. The main thing is to try and maintain a level of openness so that something that can often start off quite low level doesn’t become a bigger issue by being driven underground. I find now with my eldest, he is very open with me about the kind of stuff being shared amongst his peers and he clearly knows what is not acceptable.

I thought I was pretty broad minded but through his openness, I realised that the scale of what teenagers are doing casually or exposed to, is totally outside anything I experienced at their age. Again, communication is key.

With your son, the image he was sent might well have actually been quite distressing for him but they don’t know how to process it. My 13 year old was sent one of those awful beheading videos on Instagram recently but I only found out a day after when we trying to get to the bottom of why he was being cheeky and rude in the house. It turned out he was really upset about that, feeling guilty about seeing even a bit of it but he’d already blocked the sender etc so at least I was reassured that he knew it was wrong and we talked about how it made him feel.

My main advice would be not to panic. These two incidents, however unpleasant, do not define your son or your parenting. Literally nothing has prepared me for parenting teenagers and I have a reputation for being quite tough and grew up with four brothers. And I say this as someone who has not (yet) had any real major issues to deal with from my three. In fact people often comment on how lovely mine are and ask me what’s my secret and I think, if only you could have seen us this morning shouting at each other and me losing my temper!

I did read Philippa Perry recently on children and I think it was her or someone similar who said that ultimately, the person your child is outside the house, is the person your child actually is. So I console myself with knowing that if family and friends, coaches etc think mine are lovely boys (which mostly I do too) then they are! My job as parent unfortunately at the minute is to be an outlet, within reason, for them when they feel hormonal or stressed.

My boys are very active so really struggling with the current situation too which doesn’t help your son I’m sure either. The things I’ve found that helps is getting them cooking. They often don’t want to initially but it seems to be calming and they are very proud of their work.

I am the CEO of an organisation that works with young people and I do know second hand that mental health is one of the single biggest issues facing our young people today. Which is why I’ve had to fight my instincts to be really tough with mine in moments when on the surface that’s seemed an appropriate response to something but actually trying to work hard to find what’s really causing the behaviour I don’t like. Mine appear to be very resilient in terms of their mental health but even then I think they are much more stressed and worried below the surface than I was at their age and I say this as someone who had serious mental health issues myself. The world is so different for young people now in a time in which, pre virus, they seem to have it all.

This is really long and I don’t know if it helps. But we are all finding it tough with teenagers (some people don’t admit it when they do). Stay calm and follow your instincts and I’m sure you’ll both work it out together.

Thank you.
I don't think he is resilient when it comes to mental health. He suffers with anxiety, he's lashed out in the past when things have got on top of him.
The beheading video made me feel sick. I hope he hasn't see stuff like that. The problem is, you don't get a choice. Some idiot tags you in it and it's in your face.

A 'friend' of mine on fb once posted a picture of a dead full term baby in a dustbin in China years ago. It just appeared on my 'wall' I had absolutely no choice to see it.
I deleted her, blocked her and haven't spoken to her since.
I don't think my son would do that.

I just looked at his Instagram and he even views videos of boys fighting.
He's the most placid, loving, kind nature's kid. I was absolutely shocked that he would deliberately view violence like that.
He's been punched at school before, why would he view things like that?! I felt sick when I saw it.

@underneaththeash I downloaded that app. Bought the premium one, I set it up and asked DS to search for something 'bad' on Instagram and it didn't alert me.

I can't find the settings to allow me to do that.
Is it possible?

The advert for Qustodio clearly stated that you can monitor what they send and receive in social media apps.

But you can't do that at all.
Major false advertising there. I've emailed them for clarification.

I'm not sure what the problem is. He's 14 - he's curious and horny and he's seen a picture of a man fingering a woman. It's a totally age appropriate thing for him to look up. I'd want to protect him from watching loads of misogynistic porn for as long as possible (although ultimately he's bound to see it) so I guess the priority is ensuring he can differentiate fact and reality.

I think making him feel ashamed for looking up totally normal stuff on the internet is bound to close down lines of communication and he'll end up finding different ways to see it anyway.

As I said throughout the thread and in my OP.

My issue is the pictures that I cannot see. The ones he is sending and receiving. That's my worry.

I think making him feel ashamed

Can you explain to me how I did that?

Can you explain to me how I did that?

By taking his phone away thinking about removing social media and generally making a big deal of the fact that he's viewed it.

I'm not sure why you think the snapchat photos are a problem. Is there any reason you think he's sending or soliciting nudes? Soon you're going to have to give him more privacy (or he'll simply get more sneaky about getting round you) so the priority should be opening lines of communication not policing what he does online.

By taking his phone away thinking about removing social media and generally making a big deal of the fact that he's viewed it.

What?
What thread are you on? Are you on mine?

I took his phone away from him because he called me a bitch.
I noticed the content and came onto MN to see how to proceed with it.

How did I make any deal whatsoever about him viewing it?

You said in your OP that "ordinarily I'd delete all social media"

I'm not trying to start an argument -you mentioned the instagram photo so I assumed you thought it was a big deal.

We are all different. Do what feels right for you. I never checked. I never censored. I trusted them and now they are students I find that worked very well for us. Other parents will want trackers on the children and limit them to no phones, no internet perhaps even no TV and family prayers every night and many will be somewhere in between.

@HandfulOfDust

I also said I need to pick my battles, I need to handle this correctly.

You say you're not trying to pick an argue meant with me but you accused me of shaming him. Of making a massive deal of it.

When I'm here to do the exact opposite of that.

You were completely wrong.

I would blow up and go through the roof. He's being down right disgraceful and disgusting. My culture and religion are different so I know I see things differently to people so bear with me.

Number one, in my religion we belive and are taught that heaven lies at your mother's feet. And I truly think this applies whether you're Muslim or not. Treat your mother well. Do good to your mum. Be kind to your mum. Calling you the b is absolutely awful and I am so sorry he called you that, and goodness knows what else he has been saying in his head. I would not tolerate slamming doors or looks, let alone names and I would literally go berserk. My husband would probably go through the roof. He is extremely courteous to his parents and always teaches the children to be good to mummy and don't upset mummy and apologise to mummy if they act up. Which they do. And they are silly at times. My kids are a mixture of boys and girls between the ages of 2 and 12. We raise them to know right and wrong. I would never allow my son or daughter to have Instagram in teens or even as young adults. For example I work from Instagram and things often pop up of people grinding on one another half naked and I've seen cartoons of people doing inappropriate things. And it makes me sick and angry. I believe in sex after marriage and keeping your sex life to yourself however I know a lot of people don't and that their choice. It's absolutely gross of your son to look at that. He's a child. A child. I would literally be in tears and ask him why he was looking at it and what was so good about it and then explain its wrong and rude and disrespectful. That sort of thing is not for a 14 Yr old to see or think of. Talk to him and explain how you feel and what is wrong with it morally. I know my religion comes in to play, with the way I see and deal with th ings in my own life and parenting, but surely a lot of people would agree. I see really disturbing things on Instagram and I just quickly scroll past. I follow only women anyways but even then they're wearing skimpy underwear and little tops with nipples showing. Instagram is not for a 14 Yr old. Neither is Facebook. I came off Facebook because I was disgusted at the amount of people posting ridiculous videos and these women were apparent church goers. And then these videos had explicit sexual scenes. And I was just horrified and deleted the app and just kept messenger.

I really hope your boy will see it is so wrong and come off the phone. My 12 year old is haggling for a phone for his birthday this week, and dad is saying a basic phone with no Internet as I worry about what he could see. And it's not just phones. We even turn off the TV when adverts come on. Inappropriate dressing and dancing in a toothpaste advert or two people grinding in a bed over cough medicine. And even once naked people running down the street but their bodies blurred out. I turned it off, so stupid and was probably an advert for some everyday product I imagine. Nowadays everything is so sexualised and its really sad. I miss the old days when an advert was advertising a product and not a woman having to bite her lips in a bra for bloody food. What the hell.

I wish u all the best and hope you and your son will be OK.

Dont tell him you've seen that picture.... return his phone and then the day after sit down with him and have a general chat about online pornography. Try and make it non accusatory and as relaxed as possible...
I think that's all you can do because it's very very normal for a 14 year old boy to be curious about sex... in the time before phones it would just have been a magazine passed around by his mates or even a womens underwear catalogue or even the dictionary lol!!
Snap chat is concerning but on some level you have to trust that you've brought up your child right and they arent an absolute idiot with it.... it doesnt sound like hes in any trouble or particularly stressed about anything out of the ordinary... I'd be angry about being called a bitch but that's pretty par for the course with a teen angry with their game too... unless hes being this angry and moody constantly I dont think theres much to worry about there... obviously you were right to remove his phone for that.
So all you can do and all I would do is go over the general pornography and internet chat... get the point across that it is illegal to send or look at pictures of girls their age even if they know them even if the girl has willingly sent the picture to someone... talk to him about respecting women... talk to him about how now hes a teen he might come across pornography and that pornography is a fantasy usually created by men and often does not bare any resemblance to real sex with real women.. particularly in terms of what real women enjoy about sex.
I'd not point out you have seen anything on his phone tbh you dont want this to be a lasting traumatic experience for him... what he was looking at is not bad enough to warrant direct attention on it.

@HowFurloughCanYouGo I think you're being a bit defensive. I agree that it's important that your DS has some level of privacy and isn't shamed. That's not to say that's what you're doing now it's just something that's easy to happen inadvertently when you seize phones and look through his history.