Calling help from parents of teenage boys.

[HowFurloughCanYouGo]

I have a 14 yo DS. He's a really good, kind, lovely kid.

He has social media, Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat.

I also have Sky Shield which so far has been really good with stopping things like gruesome pictures and porn. It's not 100% though.

I check on DS's phone sporadically, and it always seems absolutely fine. A tad bit of swearing but mainly he's catting to friends, and filming his hobby.

Last night, he called me a bitch (he got angry with a game) and I was shocked, offended, so I took his phone off him for the rest of the night.
I noticed him looking at a photo on Instagram of a man fingering a woman.

On Instagram!! How does that even get on there?!

I've got Instagram and I've seen pictures of dead babies so I know nasty stuff gets in there.

I check the rest of his social media. I can't see what picture he's sending and receiving on Snapchat because they are instantly deleted.

What do I do?!

Ordinarily I would delete all social media. But he would at least get to do his hobby and see his friends.

During lock down his ONLY means of doing these things are via social media. Texting won't cut it, not with his hobby unfortunately.

I need to pick my battles, I need to handle this correctly.

What do I do?

Can I have sensible answers from those who actually have children who are teenagers please.

I'm correcting someone who has accused me of making a big deal of the situation and making my son feel shamed by doing that.

I've made no deal of the situation. I'm trying to figure it all out.

To answer the PP above, that's the frustrating thing, we have had open and frank conversations about relationships, consent, porn, the industry and how it's exploitive, that if he see's stuff he can't expect a woman in a relationship to do the staff he may stumble across etc.

Right now the violence is bothering me more. I never in a million years thought he would actively speak out videos of kids punching other kids.

Honestly I think you're being a bit precious. He's 14, not 9, of course he's curious about sexy pictures and other boys fighting. It's just natural curiosity.

I’ve never seen anything nasty on Instagram but I only follow people I know, maybe make him unfollow all people who aren’t his friends, like those meme accounts.

@Hanamuslim what’s wrong with nipples ? Everyone has them. I think your hysterical way of looking at everything is strange to be honest. You know crying and carrying on Is just going to make your kids think you’re a nervous wreck, not respect you.

He's 14, not 9, of course he's curious about sexy pictures and other boys fighting.

Obviously the sex stuff of course.
But the fighting?! That's normal to look at? 😱
It made me feel sick, seeing a child cornered and punched in the face. I hate the idea that DS willingly watches that.

I’ve never seen anything nasty on Instagram but I only follow people I know

Me too. But I still saw dead babies. It's in the search section.
I didn't search for dead babies, obviously.
When I was pregnant I was viewing baby stuff, so now the search pictures are full of babies and pregnancy, even though I searched it 2 years ago. Instagram thinks that's what I want to see still. And in amongst that is the sick stuff that slips through the net.

So it isn't about who you follow. It's actual subjects you look for.

James Bond films and plenty of others involve a lot of punching of others. In fact even the Romans and gladiator fights to contain the violence of many young men to a sports arena so they watch not do it - I am not sure watching violence ( we even watched those awful staged wrestling matches as teenagers in the 1970s on the TV when we were very bored) is a big issue. Just give him freedom and trust him (or if you are the other extreme plenty of families allow no mobiles, no computers, no internet of course and censor what books are read).

You don't see the difference?

You can't see that a child (a child) being cornered and punched in the face, being genuinely hurt isn't the same as grown men pretending to punch each other, and absolutely no one getting hurt?

You can't see the difference there?

I'm sure if it was your child being punched in the and filmed and distributed for thousands of people to see, you would feel differently.

hanamuslim the more you ban your kids from watching 'inappropriate' things and make them think sex and nudity is something to be ashamed of, the more curious and sneaky they're going to get when they're teenagers.

Maybe I’m using it wrong but I don’t look for topics on Instagram? I literally just look at pics my friends post. That’s it.

@ Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal (love the username!) when you open Instagram at the bottom of the page the second icon in is a magnifying glass icon.
When you click on that there's an array of weird and wonderful (and sick!) stuff in there.

I wouldnt worry about the picture , he will look at all sorts , he is a teenage boy and curious.
Calling you a bitch is a real issue and Id have a serious word about that?

I did, I was gutted he called me that. He realised what he had done instantly, but still. That's really harsh.

Has he said anything like that before? Was he cauight up in a game and got angry? I guess you can chat about that and good he realised it was wrong x

My advice would be to check on his images,screen shots,photos etc. We had a rude awakening with 12 year old DD when I checked her phone. She had several dick pics from older boys at her school, some were videos. We involved safeguarding and the police. I can guarantee you none of those parents knew their sons were sending masturbation videos and dick pics to my 12 year old. I now regularly check her photos and screen shots etc.

That's exactly what I'm worried about.

Exactly what you have just described!

I have 15yo DS who is teen #3 for me.

If it were me, I would remind him of the legal side. It's illegal for him to send or solicit certain types of pictures. The big pile of crap he would get into if he sent/received is just plain not worthwhile. You want to teach him to make good decisions, not to delude yourself that you can stop bad decisions or exposure you don't like.

He can have the phone back when he agrees that nasty name calling was wrong which is why you don't call him horrible names and he agrees not to say those things to you in future, too. I wouldn't aim for more explicit apology, just get him to agree it was uncalled for and he should expect better of himself, too.

In my /my dad's/ my grandfather's generation it was naughty pictures on real paper. In a rural area there was much discussion while watching animals mate. Nobody thought you could actually control these exposures. Give him the skills, motives and reasons to make the best decisions, rather than you try to make sure he can't even have a choice (this latter strategy can't last forever and just encourages teens to sneak around your efforts).

What’s he accessing using his mobile data in his phone ....

My brother and his mates has some mucky VHS tapes they’d pass around in ‘fake’ cases, back in the 90s. They were probably between 14-16. They started having actual sex with their girlfriends by 16-17 so the tapes were redundant. It’s a tale as old as time and I don’t think you need to worry.

The bitch thing is more disrespectful than anything, and I’d make sure he knew I wouldn’t stand for it.

What’s he accessing using his mobile data in his phone

Nothing, he doesn't have 4g

14 year old DS here last year accessed porn on his phone. I came across it on his phone by accident and whilst my immediate response was to blow up, I slept on it and we spoke openly and frankly about pornography, the impact of it, the dangers of it and the fact it's not representative of relationships or love. Calling someone a bitch would be the bigger issue - and I'd need a decent apology for that then let it go because 14 year olds tempers and emotions are odd things.

We didn't do rollockings or punishment over the porn thing- I think at 14 they're going to search for stuff you'd prefer they didn't. I think handling it in an open manner will mean your relationship has chance to grow as he gets older rather than you simply laying down the law (which was my parents favourite way to spend my teen years and resulted in me just hating them and doing the opposite just for devilment for a long time). DS1 a couple of months after the porn situation was sent a video from a kid at his school of a girl at his school masturbating. Instead of forwarding it or hiding it, he went to DH and asked him what to do - I don't think he'd have dared do that if we had gone ballistic over the porn thing.

I would give him a day off his phone for calling me a bitch but I would also go easy on him. It is a horribly stressful time and he is 14. Are you going to tell him what you have seen?