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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was i unreasonable and needy to go in a mood?

34 replies

RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 00:38

Hi, i'm a 25 years old and my boyfriend is 24.
We've been together for about a year and 7 months.
We havent seen each other in a month due to the lockdown. None of us are key workers; currently working at home.

Everything has been fine between us, we've been quite happy on our video calls. But today he was quite snappy on the phone, saying he's worried about everything and nobody is taking him seriously. I tried to give him my best advice of it's totally normal to feel this way and understandable and that I dont really know what to say to make him feel better but wish I could give him a cuddle and a kiss. And he said I was annoying him and that he'll speak to me later.

He then sent me a message saying how it wasnt my fault and he's sorry but he's a bit overwhelmed and then mentioned something personal he's scared about.
I wrote a long paragraph back and he saw it and ignored.
I then messages him 3 hours later asking if everything was okay, he said "yeah fine babe" and i sent him a picture of something i had achieved today (i completed my course i was doing online) he saw it and ignored it.
I rang him about 10pm no answer.
I then told him i felt i was being ignored and that i've said something wrong during the call or something.
He then told me not to be silly and he loves me so much and he's just overwhelmed tonight.
So.i've left him to it saying goodnight,
But cant help feeling i've been a bit overreacty :(

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 19/04/2020 00:42

Think you are being needy. He is have a bad day and seems like her wants to just do his own thing, I'm sure you bugging her about not giving you enough attention isn't going to help him feel any better.

Sparklesocks · 19/04/2020 00:44

It does sound a little bit like an overreaction yes, it seems like he appreciated you trying to comfort him but he wanted to wallow a bit and have some time to himself. Also it depends on your personality styles, some people like to talk through every detail of the problem but others prefer not to dig too deep.

But equally it’s hard when you’re apart, you can’t read between the lines like you can in person and small things can become bigger when you’re not in the same room to clear up any misunderstandings.
You’ll probably feel better in the morning and he most likely will to.

Original poster
RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 00:46

I think it's just because in the past if i've ever been upset or annoyed about something then he's always messaged and rang me to make sure i'm okay but now i feel like a pest Confused

OP posts:
andpeggy1 · 19/04/2020 00:49

You posted the very same post about a week ago when everyone told you yes you are being a bit unreasonable.

Accept it you are being needy and stop reposting to get a different answer to suit you!

Sparklesocks · 19/04/2020 00:50

The problem with feeling like a pest is that you then become more of a pest trying to be reassured that you aren’t one!
Your boyfriend has told him he loves you and that he’s OK. You should trust him and take him at his word.
With complete kindness, he shared that he was having a problem and you’ve somewhat turned that around to make it about you. He opened up to you and shared he was feeling low, so it’s understandable he might not be acting like himself.

Bella2020 · 19/04/2020 00:50

He's feeling anxious and overwhelmed but you're making it about you. Yes, it does come across as needy.

Original poster
RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 00:51

@andpeggy1 I never posted a post last week? My boyfriend and I have been fairly happy together since lockdown. I'm sure there are thousands of women and men who go in unreasonable moods with their partners so i'm sure there's thousands of threads like mine.

OP posts:
user764329056 · 19/04/2020 00:52

Just give him his space, that’s what he’s asking for

Original poster
RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 00:55

But he's been drinking alcohol with his 3 flatmates and drove them to get their alcohol before they started so i dont get why it was hard to just get back to me within so many hours;
Maybe this lockdown is making my brain crazy

OP posts:
LittleMissBumFun · 19/04/2020 00:55

Christ yes, needy.

Original poster
RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 00:56

Well seems the general opinion is i've been needy tonight; thanks for the responses everyone

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 19/04/2020 00:59

People have given you advice and their insight, it’s your choice to take it on board or not.
Things like this are a bit like a scab. Best not to keep picking at it or try to justify why picking at it is a good idea. Just leave it be and it won’t bleed.

LittleMissBumFun · 19/04/2020 00:59

We've all been there I'm sure, learn from it and move on. Maybe in future make it clear you're there if he needs or wants to talk and if he wants space that's fine too he can come to you when he's ready (and vice versa)

Original poster
RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 01:01

Yes both great ideas! I probably need to work on not being so impulsive and try to relax a bit

OP posts:
AnneOfTeenFables · 19/04/2020 01:02

He was struggling and you sent him something you'd achieved. Can't you see how that was a bit insensitive? And now you're still complaining about how long it took to get back to you?
Maybe get praise about your achievement from elsewhere and message your friends instead of wondering what he's doing with his.

Original poster
RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 01:03

The thing is, I wind myself up, for example "why is he okay drinking but cant be bothered replying to me when i've taken my time to write some advice to him" and then send the message and then literally a second later think " i shouldnt have sent that"

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 01:05

@AnneOfTeenFables he wasnt struggling with anything academic wise or work - in fact he's doing great for himself, so i didnt see the problem sending him my achievement? Not that he bothered to respond to it but I worked hard on that and he knows i've been spending my nights doing it

OP posts:
AnneOfTeenFables · 19/04/2020 02:41

I didn't say he was struggling with something academic. Hmm You really can't see that if someone is feeling overwhelmed then it's insensitive to send them something to prove how much you're achieving? Do you usually struggle with social interactions or just in relationships?

Quizacabusi · 19/04/2020 03:25

Did he actually want advice? Perhaps he wanted to vent and you responded with unsolicited advice? Hope that tomorrow things feel better for you both.

amber763 · 19/04/2020 03:37

He was having a bad day and wanted some time with his mates. Yes, it's needy and a wee bit immature to keep pestering him when he's told you he's okay. Hope you both feel better tomorrow.

ChikiTIKI · 19/04/2020 03:50

He might not want advice and your advice might not be able to fix how he is feeling. When people are anxious sometimes they just need someone to listen to them. Sending lots of good advice and expecting a prompt reply just puts more pressure on the anxious person. Pressure to put the advice in to practise. Pressure to feel better. Pressure to reply.

Just relax on the messaging front.

Ruby889 · 19/04/2020 10:14

It was a bit needy but dont feel too bad about it..just learn from it and give space if it happens again.

The fact that youre questionning it and reflecting shows youre acknowledging and showing awareness of it.

From what youve said on this thread I see myself and I used to be the exact same way. I didnt realise it at the time..& it ended up driving the guy away. I felt very stupid once i realised how i was acting and that i was in fact needy..which usually does not come across well. To you it may seem like youre doing nothing wrong by showing interest and concern but if someone says theyre ok then leave it as that.

I learnt a huge lesson and I know sometimes things in the past make us anxious and more sensitive to stuff but try to relax a bit and not worry

HandfulOfDust · 19/04/2020 10:17

I think it's just a difficult situation. He's clearly struggling a bit today and you're feeling a bit more insecure than you would if things were normal.

Original poster
RedRoses303 · 19/04/2020 11:01

@AnneOfTeenFables no i dont have problems with social distancing. And even if i did come across needy last time, at least i'm not rude to someone over one post they've created. Sorry we can't all be as high and mighty as you. People make mistakes.

Thanks everyone else for giving productive advice and not getting personal. I take it all on board. We are very happy together and usually when one of us is upset, our 'routine' is to give each other a call later on to check the other person is okay;
My natural communication style is to "talk" so i probably just have to recognise when space is needed. Thanks!

OP posts:
slashlover · 19/04/2020 11:09

He said he was scared, worried and overwhelmed.

  • You wrote a long paragraph
  • You messaged him 3 hours after that
  • You sent a picture
  • You rang him
  • You then complained you were being ignored

Did you know he was spending time with his mates when you tried to contact him 4 times? When I'm with my friends, my phone is generally in my bag/pocket on silent because it's rude when someone is constantly on their phone. I might check it once or twice to see if there's anything important but that's it.