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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do

39 replies

Coldemort · 18/04/2020 22:42

I'll try and be brief so apologies if I miss anything out.
I'm late 30's and live on my own. Severe mental health problems in the past that have resulted in 2x hospital admissions for suicide attempts. Have been much better the last few years, however with the current situation plus I hate HATE my job and relapsing quite speedily.
My parents are worried, the want me to go and stay with them for a couple of days. Obviously this isn't great, and against all advice, but I'm quite scared st the place my head is taking me at the moment.
Theyve also told me to quit my job and they'll cover my mortgage for a couple of months. Again I really want to do this, but who knows when I'll be able to get a job again- it may well be more than a few months.
Every bit of me wants to go along with there suggestion and stay with them for a while, but it's really not a good idea is it?

OP posts:
Calic0 · 18/04/2020 22:49

I’m so sorry OP, that sounds horrible. I think no one can tell you categorically what you should do. But what I would say is that unless you work in a particularly...useful (for want of a better word) sector, new jobs are going to be hard to come by in the coming weeks and months. Therefore, any decision you make needs to be predicated on the fact that a couple of months worth of mortgage payments might not be enough to keep things going until you are employed again. If you can deal with that, if, ultimately, you could envisage yourself moving back in with your parents permanently, then that’s fine.

I’m sorry things are so hard for you and I hope they improve.

OldGranvilleHouse · 18/04/2020 22:53

So long as neither you nor your parents are currently showing symptoms of Covid-19, then I think you should definitely go. If possible, you could always socially distance from them for the first week as far as possible, just to be on the safe side.

Remaining in your current situation poses a real threat to your health and well-being, and I think that going to live with them is 100% the right thing to do in the circumstances.

It’s also a very kind offer to cover your mortgage for a few months. Although you may not want to be financially dependent upon them in the long run, this might be a good option for you at the moment. I assume that they can afford to cover this for you?

As for your job, are you currently working or have you been furloughed/had your hours cut? I’d be wary of making any hasty decisions re your job - even if you’re still going in at the moment, you could always take some sick leave. I think this would be appropriate given how you’re feeling at the moment.

Go and take up your parents’ kind offer and let them give you some love and attention. I hope it works out for you Flowers

OldGranvilleHouse · 18/04/2020 22:58

Sorry, I misread the bit about only staying with your parents for a few days. It’s difficult to comment without knowing your circumstances, but would it be an option for you to stay with them for a bit longer?

Whatever you decide, I don’t think you can really go back and forward. I think you need to decide to move for the time being or to stay put.

Irrespective, have you thought about going to/contacting the GP?

Original poster
Coldemort · 18/04/2020 23:00

Thank you both for being kind, was a bit worried I'd take a bashing for even considering it.

I work in finance so whilst the market might dip, I'm reasonably sure that long term there would be something out there.

One of my parents took a lump sum from their pension this year, that's where the money would come from. Its shit, I'd be taking their retirement funds. But hopefully on 6 months/a year I could pay them back (not that theyve mentioned it).

Just feel a colossal failure and so worried that I'm putting them at risk. I've been WTH the last 3 weeks but still been out shopping etc.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 18/04/2020 23:04

I would go and stay with your parents and I would keep going with the job for the moment. Even if it’s just another week. See if living back with your parents helps you sufficiently to be able to continue wfh.

If it doesn’t, you can reassess the working situation then.

Sn0tnose · 18/04/2020 23:04

When they say ‘a couple of months’ do they literally mean two months? I think you should have a chat with them about numbers and exactly how far they’re able to support you, so that neither of you are met with any unpleasant surprises if a new job doesn’t come up straight away. Is your field recession proof?

Also, please phone your doctor 💐

DamnYouAutoCarrot · 18/04/2020 23:05

Your mental health is extremely important op. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe mentally.

You can wfh at your parents? Social distance for the appropriate time, but definitely stay for more than a few days. Get well mentally. I'm sure they're worried as well 💐

KnobwithaK · 18/04/2020 23:07

I think it sounds like a good idea to stay with them. I've been back and lived with my parents during difficult time as an adult, it's not 100% easy, but a lifesaver if you need the support.

I wouldn't discount giving up the job, but do think about whether having the structure of work is a positive thing for you at all.. also maybe consider taking sick leave or unpaid leave if you'd rather that. It might make you feel more hopeful in the medium term if you have something you know you can go back to.

JasonPollack · 18/04/2020 23:08

Absolutely move back with your parents for a while. Maybe try working from home at theirs, if that doesn't feel possible you can be signed off work by a doctor for your mental health. You don't need to quit your job, you will be able to get a sick note. It would probably be helpful to speak to a doctor anyway- do you have any medical support currently?

In this situation where you are vulnerable the stay away rules do not apply. That's what the exemptions are for, other emergencies like this one.

bridgetreilly · 18/04/2020 23:08

Have you talked to your doctor? Making lifestyle changes may well help, but it sounds as though you may also need to start/increase/make changes to medication.

KnobwithaK · 18/04/2020 23:09

And yes, contact your GP. Good luck Flowers

BunnytheHoneyBee · 18/04/2020 23:10

I also agree that your mental health is important ultimately you need to do what’s best for you but I’d suggest the advice to stay at home shouldn’t prevent you from staying with your parents IMHO

Original poster
Coldemort · 18/04/2020 23:11

My employers are a nightmare (for a different thread). They dont 'believe' in mental health problems (or Covid-19). If I took sick leave I'm not entirely sure they wont just fire me (been there under 2 years).

OP posts:
Kay2theT · 18/04/2020 23:11

What is it about your job that you hate? Is it something you can control? Is it something that is likely to come up no matter where you go?
Quitting a steady job at this point doesn't seem like a good idea, but I know how tough it can be when you're in a position that really takes it out of you every day.

If you accept your parents offer make sure you have a timeline and that everyone has the same expectations.

Call a doctor, there is no shame in taking medication. You would take a painkiller for a headache, so take something for your mental health.

Tatty101 · 18/04/2020 23:11

Could you take a sabbitical from work or a career break to give you some time to get well and think things through? That way there may be more stability for getting back to standing on your own two feet on the other side of it?

Do you have any techniques or tactics to help with personal resilience? It might be a good opportunity to look into ways to manage this once you're feeling better.

Get well soon!

OldGranvilleHouse · 18/04/2020 23:15

Just feel a colossal failure and so worried that I'm putting them at risk

You are not a colossal failure. You are someone who’s ill at the moment and you need some support.

Nothing’s 100% risk-free re Covid-19 (unless you totally isolate and I don’t think that’s an option for you because of what it might mean for your MH). But you can massively reduce the risk by distancing for the first week you’re with them and only go shopping if/when you have to.

CottonEaster · 18/04/2020 23:16

I would do anything, pay anything, for my child to feel they have a safe place to come to gather themselves for a while. Your parents sound like they want to offer the same for you. Please take them at their word and take the time to look after yourself. These are difficult times and it will not be forever.

Wynston · 18/04/2020 23:22

If it was me I would go to my parents (i love being home-I love being looked after its my safe place)
Once there I would take it day by day......I would try working from home there and just say how I was feeling.
I hope that you feel better soon OP

NewAccountForCorona · 18/04/2020 23:25

Which is more important to your parents? Money, or you being happy (and alive).

I'm supporting my son financially through this, as he has lost his job through no fault of his own. These are (as they keep telling us) exceptional times; do what makes you happy and that will make your parents happy.

If you think you are a risk to them, self-isolate in their house for a week or so. Don't just go for a few days, go for the duration if it helps your mental health.

NewAccountForCorona · 18/04/2020 23:27

Take official sick leave - your gp will certify you over the phone. And if they sack you apply for benefits.

Original poster
Coldemort · 18/04/2020 23:33

I'm reading all your replies - thank you.
My parents are quite rural and whilst I should be ok on their internet, theres no phone signal which might be a problem. I wish I could convey what my employers are like - at the moment they're monitoring everyones case work. And key strokes. And employing someone just to watch our screens to see we're 'working'. This is a professional environment of 30-50 year olds.

One of my parents had a suicide attempt when I was in my teens. It hasn't really ever been discussed until yesterday when we had a heart to heart

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 18/04/2020 23:37

Are you able to set up WiFi calling on your phone? I'm with o2 and I use it as my coverage is patchy at home, you just have to contact your network provider to set it up.

Wynston · 18/04/2020 23:38

Would you consider living with parents full time???

NewAccountForCorona · 18/04/2020 23:39

Go sick. Seriously, ring your gp, tell them you can't cope, get them to sign you off.

Your employer will either manage without you, or sack you. Who cares which. Just get out of there.

My greatest fear is that ds will commit suicide. I wish i could get him home and give him a hug. Go to your parents and let them look after you.

Original poster
Coldemort · 18/04/2020 23:43

@Wynston not full time. Just until this passes. On a practical level it would be much more difficult for me to do anything in a household of 3 than on my own

OP posts:
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