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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband “Can’t remember last time he felt happy”

41 replies

Backtobackagain · 18/04/2020 20:38

DH has been quiet and quite often grumpy over the last few weeks of lockdown. I have regularly asked him how he is doing/if he needs anything in terms of time to himself/more uninterrupted work time, and he’s said he is fine. He is always a bit of a silent type and needs encouragement to open up, but I always have to be careful not to nag him about what is wrong. (I’m the over end of the spectrum and wear my heart on my sleeve.) But he has continued to say he is fine.
Today he made an unkind comment about DS when he was stressed in the kitchen. DS was asking for something his little brother had and DH said “you never have an original thought of your own, you only want it because little brother has it.” It was said in a really spiteful way and I said it wasn’t like him to be cruel. Later on today he said to me he doesn’t know what is wrong with him but he doesn’t remember when he was last happy. He now won’t talk any further.
I’m torn between being worried for him, wondering if I should try to get him to phone GP on Monday to look at AD’s (there is a strong family history of depression on his side), and also feeling hurt/sad that our family isn’t enough for him. I’ve tried really hard to make our family time during lockdown fun and keep everyone happy, but now feel scared that if he cannot remember when he was last happy, this is a bigger issue that he’s not been honest about for a long time.
AIBU to be hurt or am I just making this about me? What should I do to help him, that isn’t going to make me a nag??

OP posts:
lifecouldbeadream · 18/04/2020 20:52

That would worry me too. I’d see if he can call the GP.

If he genuinely can’t remember the last time he was happy, it’s not about you, or your family, it’s about more than that.

fuckoffImcounting · 18/04/2020 21:13

Yeah, and he is being really unsupportive of your family lockdown situation. Who cares when he was last happy - we are all in lockdown - selfish fuck.

Greydove28 · 18/04/2020 21:32

That's a spiteful comment towards your child op. Its worrying

Lockheart · 18/04/2020 21:33

It sounds like he's struggling with his mental health in some way and the lockdown is exacerbating it, which isn't surprising.

I'd sit down with him and encourage him to see a doctor, or if that's difficult during this time, perhaps you could both do some sessions with a mindfulness app, which might provide some assistance. There is also the option of online counselling, or some herbal remedies (such as At John's Wort) which you can pick up at pharmacies.

Lockheart · 18/04/2020 21:36

I also wouldn't be worried that it's about you or your family. When you're depressed you could be sitting on top of a million pounds and have everything you want, and you would still not be happy.

ThePlantsitter · 18/04/2020 21:37

Yes, get him to call the GP. Make sure he is getting out of the house alone every day - you too, as long as neither of you is working.

It is hard, there's no doubt about it, but he needs to help himself too. As someone prone to depression myself I'm well aware I may have to call for ADs despite managing without for 2 years.

WickedlyPetite · 18/04/2020 21:41

Does depression make you spiteful to your own child?

If so, perhaps he needs to find somewhere else to spend lockdown, until he's got help for it.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 18/04/2020 21:45

He's not a selfish fuck if he's mentally ill, what a dumbass thing to say.

He may only just be realising he doesn't feel well. He might not know what that means, or may be scared of the way he feels. If he has a family history of depression he may be afraid of his far down he could go. He needs to see his GP or contact a mental health charity such as mind to see if they can offer him any support. There are lots of resources but not everything works for every individual. I think the fact he has recognised he has a problem is positive.

It's not about you or your family not being enough by the way. That's not how depression works. If he's anything like me, he will be torturing himself because he has a lovely family and he wishes he could be happy but he just isn't. It just makes everything a million times worse - especially when you react the way he did to his child and he doesn't fully know why he's behaving that way - just that he hates himself for it. Obv i am massively projecting but just trying to give you some insight into what it can feel like. Basically - cut him some slack, try and support him best you can but he needs to seek some sort of help. He's very very unlikely to get better on his own. It might be that he's afraid to voice what's in his head and that's why he won't talk to you.

Lockheart · 18/04/2020 21:46

I really don't think there's any need for that is there @WickedlyPetite.

He made one comment and the OP said it's not like him.

If you're suffering from a mental illness then yes, you can behave in ways which you wouldn't usually and which you would be ashamed of were you healthy. If it becomes problematic, then living separately should be considered. But throwing someone out for one mean comment lacks all proportion.

Original poster
Backtobackagain · 18/04/2020 21:53

Thanks for the responses. The comment to our son definitely was out of character, he does sometimes snap when he is stressed, but he isn’t an unkind man. He did apologise to our son and recognised it wasn’t ok, so I’m not going to dwell further on that. But your replies highlight that I can’t ignore this comment as nothing. He won’t talk at all now, despite me asking him to, so getting him some help is not going to be straightforward, but I’m not going to let him just ignore things and let them get worse.
Thanks for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
Backtobackagain · 18/04/2020 21:53

I mean I can’t ignore the comment about not being happy as nothing.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 18/04/2020 21:56

He's probably feeling ashamed of himself @Backtobackagain - I'd leave it for tonight but perhaps tomorrow evening you can both approach it with a clear head and a view to putting a plan into action on Monday morning.

Phifedean123 · 18/04/2020 21:58

If my DP said this about not being happy I'd be seriously worried, tbh I would be worried if anyone said it.

Babycrackers · 18/04/2020 21:59

I probably wouldn't ring or push for a GP appointment straight away. I would leave it a week or so and have a conversation about it and go from there.

These are weird times, everything is heightened and there is no escape from anything right now. I know I'm guilty of being very hyperbolic when I am feeling down, but then a few days it will pass and I will wonder what I was on about.

He hasn't said anything like this before presumably and you also haven't noticed anything (although obviously depression can be hidden) so it might just be a crappy day.

If obviously he does need GP in the end then you can support him then, my husband is clinically depressed and anxious, it can be a nightmare Wine

Original poster
Backtobackagain · 18/04/2020 22:02

Thankyou for the balanced perspective- you are right, in my wish not to let him bury his head in the sand, I don’t want to overreact and make this bigger than it is. Much as it is unnatural for me (I like to talk things through probably too much), I will get off his case for tonight and see how things look by the end of tomorrow.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 18/04/2020 22:04

I think the nasty, malicious criticism of your DS needs to be dwelled on. That will stay with your son, apology or no (and I imagine the apology wasn’t fulsome or heartfelt, coming from an emotionally closed, irritable man).

He sounds awful.

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 18/04/2020 22:13

He sounds depressed. Likely the conditions of lock down have caused it to bubble up. Harder to squash the feelings down and pretend everything is okay.

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 18/04/2020 22:13

@AtrociousCircumstance it really wasn't that bad. Calm down.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/04/2020 22:15

I disagree yellow - it was pointed and cruel.

ImPeckish · 18/04/2020 22:16

Depression or not, he should have the ability to not snap so spitefully at your DC. That was really quite a cruel thing to say.

It does sound like he needs help sooner rather than later, OP.

I know you say you don't like to nag him (I wonder if he snaps at you?) but you should feel fully able to talk to him about his behaviour/moods and how it's affecting you, communicated in a positive way.

HandfulOfDust · 18/04/2020 22:22

It's important not to take his (possible) depression as a judgement about his family life. It's an illness and it sounds like he has a family history of it. It can strike all kinds of successful, "lucky" people with amazing families, it's not a symptom of a rubbish life.

I would want to encourage him to see a GP.

Love51 · 18/04/2020 22:31

I don't know how old the kids are, but I've said something along the lines of the second half of that sentence probably half a dozen times since lockdown started, and I wouldn't have thought I was unusual. The DH has prefaced it with an insult which isn't ideal but is the sort of thing we would put down to 'Daddy was in a grump about you being unkind to your brother, go and do (fun thing that doesn't involve nicking the toy your brother has)'.
In your shoes I'd like to establish if the not being happy predates the lockdown. Some people really struggle with being home all the time (I'm really pleased DH has to go out to work sometimes, he gets cabin fever) and being stir crazy isn't the same as depression. I'm one of those who's actually been enjoying it, but even I've fancied a change of scenery and fun with friends at this point.

Pumpkinpie1 · 18/04/2020 22:37

Depression really does suck the joy out of life , I hope he can get some help x x at least he’s able to talk to you

Supersimkin2 · 18/04/2020 23:00

It wasn't that spiteful a remark. DC do hanker after other DC's toys when they're small and it can be a pain.

The happy remark, on the other hand, is a big deal. GP.

randomer · 18/04/2020 23:03

How absolutely pathetic to call somebody a sefush fuck because he is struggling.

This is the sign of a genuine person. Who the hell is fine n dandy right now?

How on earth can you phone a GP on his behalf? he's not 6 years old and there is a thing called patirent confidentiality.