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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband “Can’t remember last time he felt happy”

41 replies

Backtobackagain · 18/04/2020 20:38

DH has been quiet and quite often grumpy over the last few weeks of lockdown. I have regularly asked him how he is doing/if he needs anything in terms of time to himself/more uninterrupted work time, and he’s said he is fine. He is always a bit of a silent type and needs encouragement to open up, but I always have to be careful not to nag him about what is wrong. (I’m the over end of the spectrum and wear my heart on my sleeve.) But he has continued to say he is fine.
Today he made an unkind comment about DS when he was stressed in the kitchen. DS was asking for something his little brother had and DH said “you never have an original thought of your own, you only want it because little brother has it.” It was said in a really spiteful way and I said it wasn’t like him to be cruel. Later on today he said to me he doesn’t know what is wrong with him but he doesn’t remember when he was last happy. He now won’t talk any further.
I’m torn between being worried for him, wondering if I should try to get him to phone GP on Monday to look at AD’s (there is a strong family history of depression on his side), and also feeling hurt/sad that our family isn’t enough for him. I’ve tried really hard to make our family time during lockdown fun and keep everyone happy, but now feel scared that if he cannot remember when he was last happy, this is a bigger issue that he’s not been honest about for a long time.
AIBU to be hurt or am I just making this about me? What should I do to help him, that isn’t going to make me a nag??

OP posts:

WaxOnFeckOff · 18/04/2020 23:04

My DH was like this. One time he told me he wanted to go out on his motorbike and ride into a concrete wall.

It took many years for him to be persuaded to go onto ADs but he eventually did. It took our marriage to the brink before he admitted he was probably depressed and even then wouldn't do anything until I said he was a selfish git and because he wasn't willing to get help, were the rest of us just supposed to put up with his shit?

He's been on ADs for about 2 years now, quite a low dose at the moment and he had been looking to reduce it more just when the lockdown started. However, he's NHS and thought with the additional stress etc it wasn't the best time. He's better at realising when he needs to up or down his dose though and our life is a lot happier.

I wish I'd forced him more (or left him) 15 years ago though.

Don't let it lie OP the impact on you all is too much.

randomer · 18/04/2020 23:05

btw,that thing he said to your son, is silly . Get over it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/04/2020 23:06

The last time I heard that “not been happy for while” I got dumped shortly thereafter

Redwinestillfine · 18/04/2020 23:08

Suggest he sees the GP but this is something he needs to want to do. You are not responsible for his happiness.

blue25 · 18/04/2020 23:14

I would be worried about him and assist him in seeking help. Ignore the “he sounds awful” comments. He actually sounds very unwell.

user1486131602 · 18/04/2020 23:15

Being happy is his job, you are not responsible for that, he is.
Depression can be difficult to handle, from experience I know, please be careful to only offer your help and support, be aware that you alone can’t ‘fix this or him’. If you take too much on your role will morphe from spouse lover to carer and mother and that’s what killed my marriage and the fact he wouldn’t get help himself.

I sincerely hope he feels better soon and that you can work together after these strange times. My best wishes to you both

Pembsgirl · 18/04/2020 23:20

Can I just ask, is your husband taking any exercise at present? If not, at the very least see if you can persuade him to go out for a long walk in the fresh air, whether it be alone or with the rest of the family is something to play by ear, but exercise raises the (seratonin) 'feel good factor' in us all, and it may just help a little, until you can persuade him to see his GP. I've suffered from depression for many years, and while he'll probably say no to the exercise if it's not something he usually does, do try and persuade him, because it really does make a difference.

WantToBeMum · 18/04/2020 23:22

He absolutely needs to see/speak to a GP. It sounds as though he's suffering from depression and if he can't remember when he last felt happy it's probably been creeping up for a while.
If it is depression, no matter how hard to try to create fun it just won't work, that's no reflection on you or your family, it's an illness. Imagine if he had a broken leg and you were trying hard to set up really fun games that he just couldn't join in with? And of course this lockdown doesn't help at all.
Depression is hard for the family to cope with too so once you've helped him get in touch with the GP I would encourage you to seek support for yourself too.
I've suffered from clinical depression in the past, and yes it can make you lash out and be awful to those you love the most. But it can be fully recovered from, he needs help.
You clearly love and care for him enough to ask for advice here and want to help so I'm sure you can both get through it together.
Ignore the spiteful comments in other comments, there are always some

ChikiTIKI · 18/04/2020 23:26

It's not your job to make everyone be happy and it's not your fault if they are not happy.

I don't think you should take offence about his comment. It think you might have found it less offensive/, personal if you didn't believe that you needed to keep everyone happy.

I think he should speak to the GP. If he won't speak about it initially, is there a mental health self referral form online for your area?

donnaDCM · 18/04/2020 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mischance · 18/04/2020 23:29

If he is clinically depressed, he needs help.

But please do not think you have a duty to make him happy.

Lockheart · 18/04/2020 23:33

@donnaDCM take your touting for traffic elsewhere.

Frozenfan2019 · 19/04/2020 00:08

also feeling hurt/sad that our family isn’t enough for him. I’ve tried really hard to make our family time during lockdown fun and keep everyone happy,

Please don't feel this, it's an illness. You wouldn't feel offended if someone came to your party and didn't enjoy it because they felt sick with food poisoning, he has no more control.over his mental health than that person would over their physical health.

People commenting upthread about him being selfish etc clearly don't understand depression. Yes I think he should contact his GP. I hope you can get through to him OP. Please don't blame him, yourself or anything else. It's an illness.

Frozenfan2019 · 19/04/2020 00:11

@AtrociousCircumstance he apologised to his son for snapping at him and being unkind. If you really think a child can't recover from that then you really have no idea what some poor children have to go through. He was wrong and he said sorry, do you expect every human being to be perfect all of the time?

Glitteryone · 19/04/2020 00:34

I wouldn’t say the comment to your son was overly spiteful or nasty! Certainly nothing to be ashamed off and I don’t think it needed an apology. It was simply an observation.

The happiness comment is a definite cause for concern. He needs support/help.

CSIblonde · 19/04/2020 06:00

Wickedly petite, that's unhelpful. I've had depression on & off for years: it makes you a totally different person. Anyone whose met when I'm down can't believe the difference when I'm OK. Depression makes you shattered, tearful, irritable, think you're better off dead, a burden. You lose your logic, your perspective, lose your appetite, lose your sense of humour & lose 'you'. Any little normal thing youd cope with or totally disregard when normal can send you into a pit of despair.

OP I think it's probably taken lockdown to make him realise a low grade depression he was just about coping with is now spiralling. You need to be firm & get him a GP telephone appointment.

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