To want my nearly 7 year old twins to play independently

[LongGinShortTonic]

I am fed up to my back teeth with the constant whinging cry of ‘but what can we doooooo’

All they really want to do is watch shit tv or fight each other. Or us.

They are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves. We have games, books, toys, paper and pens. They help with the cooking and household chores, they get some tv time, they play beautifully together about once a week, we play with them, we have family and alone time with them.

Yet the moment DH or I want to do something (like read the paper!) there’s endless cries of ‘We’re boooooored’ and ‘There’s nothing to dooooo’.

I get it. I do. Life is difficult at the moment and they’re missing school, their friends and activities.

But why oh why can’t they just PLAY NICELY? Why do we need to be involved in EVERYTHING? They are so lucky to have each other, and things to do, yet there seems to be zero appreciation for it.

I’m thinking of self isolating for a fortnight in the attic just to get some peace.

AIBU to think they should be entertaining themselves more?

Yanbu but have they ever had to do it before? Have they had long stretches of the day at home in the past without activities etc?

Not persistent long stretches, like we have at the moment, but Sundays are usually home days with us all just pottering about, and each holiday we also have some home time without dashing around.

I think it's just hard for kids at the moment, life has changed a lot for them so some difficult behaviour is completely expected.
Could you have a routine everyday where you split the day; actively entertain them, set up activities for them, then they self entertain? Explain to them what will happen in the morning and say they will be expected to play by themselves at that time and not bother you unless it's an emergency?
If they're in the best mood in the morning make that time the self entertaining time for instance.

They miss the routine of being at school so how about setting up a more structured routine at home? They can be involved in drawing it up and choosing activities plus periods of free play where it is your time.
At 7, their whole life is defined by adults. It is hard for them to make the switch.

Can you start off an imaginative game? They’re the perfect age for it really - I used one of my favourite old games I played with my friends when I was little when I was babysitting and the kids loved it. The principle to this kind of game is similar to improv comedy, in that someone introduces something and the other person goes with it, builds on it and passes it back - for example:

In the garden, is there an area with weeds/grass etc they can muck about with? Put out some old plates, cups spoons etc that can live out there and get wrecked.

The game goes - they have been captured by an evil giant, who makes them work as slaves in his kitchen. They have to make him food (cue making of the mud pies), while plotting to make their escape, by poisoning the mud pies. How does the escape go? Where are they escaping to?

It’s a fun game once it gets going, lots of opportunities for peeling off into other adventures. You’ll probably have to play the first few times with them till they get the hang of it, but you can make a few games up as starters, see how they go.

Some great pointers here, thank you.

We do have a structure during the week, but the moment it stops being structured that’s when the whinging starts.

Unfortunately the garden is the size of a handkerchief!

Also, what about books? Introducing independent reading time after lunch or before dinner as a chill activity might be nice - obvs following their interests, but epic quests are always good for imagination firing!

I’m not at this stage yet (we have just one toddler so far) but a friend of mine has a ‘boredom jar’ full of lolly sticks with ideas for activities her three children can do independently written on them. If they utter the words ‘I’m bored’, they have to select a lolly stick and spend at least 20 minutes doing that activity.

She’s a full time teacher like me, so has found it invaluable when trying to work from home. The jar includes things like ‘tidy your bedroom’ and ‘empty the dishwasher’ too to help her out a bit!

Ooh I like the idea of the jar!

They both read, one more so than the other, but that’s definitely something to encourage.

I think you’re all right, we need more structure. I haven’t been terribly well for the past week so have let things slide a little, need to get back on it.

Good to know IANBU!

I'm going to go against the grain here, but I'd encourage them to be bored and ignore the whinging. My boys are 7 and almost 5. They will complain they're bored, but generally if left to their own devices without any encouragement from DH or I, they will then find something to amuse themselves.

They will learn that moaning and complaining gets your attention and not learn how to entertain themselves if they're not given the chance.

Frustrating OP. Can you perhaps set them up with a game to get them going then gradually withdraw? Or set them a list of challenged and they get a prize at the end?

I have the same but this is what I find works -

• Anticipate the boredom by just getting out a task before they complain. Either it's something they can make without supervision, pens and paper, jigsaws. They just then tend to do it where az if I suggest a jigsaw in response to being bored you get the whiny nooooo.

• Rotate toys, get something out and get them going on an imaginative game, sometimes this keeps them going for a long time!

-mine are a bit younger but they still view time playing on their own in their bedroom as a treat!

I think it's a case of a stitch in time saves nine. 10 mins of organising them can buy you an hour back of time.

I’ve been doing that @Fatted but it invariably ends in tears with one of them hurting the other. I have used the phrase ‘only boring people are bored’ more times than I care to count! If they’ve come whining I’ve said fine, help with the washing up or put the cutlery away or clean out a drawer.

I just seem to be suggesting things to them endlessly - I need them to start thinking for themselves!

God, now I sound like I’m whining! Sorry, all.

My 7 year old has been great but my 10 year old appears totally incapable of independent thought, she generally has a busy schedule so I've probably never noticed it so badly before - she was a demanding baby and has always been very sociable . I think it's maybe a personality trait whether they can entertain themselves or not.

I like the idea of getting stuff out, thanks.

And thank you all for being nice and not handing me my arse on a plate. I felt like I was being a really shit mum.

I think I’ve read on similar threads that one technique is to set a limit. Ie. Say that you’ve got jobs to do, and will play with them at 3pm, or set a timer for an hour.

I agree, it’s good for kids to be bored sometimes.

If structure works, keep a loose structure at weekends: creative hour, active hour, lunch, quiet hour, walk/ outside time, free play time, family play time where you can play with them, chore time, screen time, family movie time etc And they know what activities they can chose from in creative or quiet time. We have been doing this as our (adaptable) structure for 'school days' is working so well. It takes a lot of the stress out of parenting. I have it written on a Google document with all the possible activities they can choose from on it so I don't have to think. very often if you say it's time for x activity, they will come up with something they would rather do themselves.

I also encourage boredom! Entertain yourself or do a chore. It's a win win.

Mine are the same (but older). As soon as they’re left to their own devices, the whining starts (or the fighting, sometimes both).

What’s helped here is them knowing that no matter what, they don’t get screens til after they’d normally be home from school. So they (now) know it’s not worth their energy asking or whining about that.

Another thing I also loved - making models/diorama out of paper / cardboard etc. If you set a challenge, eg make a tiny tabletop version of our town / imaginary town / a stables and riding centre for your play horses / whatever they’re interested in out of bits and pieces, scissors and pride stick, they can add to it as they go, and again use it for imaginative play.

I have nothing to offer, bar empathy. I have just come into our en-suite to get one minute to myself and my husband just followed me in. I had to say “can’t I just piss in peace?!” Argh

My 6 & nearly 5 year old are the same as your twins. We give them SO much time, but it’s never enough!

Mine are younger so I can't complain but I get you. I set them up with tablets, Tele, games, garden time etc. The minute I sit down with a cuppa in the other room they follow me through. I literally want half an hour a day to eat my sandwich and watch something for adults. It seems to spark anger in them. It's frustrating! We are all feeling it I expect. One of mine is usually at school so we are very on top of eachother right now.

When mine were young, we didn't allow video games in the house. I told them they were not inherently bad, and if they wanted to play at a friends house, please do, but if they ran out of things to do at home to come see me and I would find them something to do. They were very creative and came up will all sorts of things to do, but never asked me to assign anything! On a related note, when they would come to me arguing and asking me to get involved, I would warn them that it wasn't my argument, but if they wanted me involved they had to keep in mind I ALWAYS WIN. They learned to sort themselves.

Boredom is the source of creativity. Let them be bored but within a limit. I would say right you have the next hour to occupy yourselves. At x o'clock we can all get together and do XXX but until then go see what you can do.