To think there is something fundamentally wrong with a man who walks out after a month affair..

[thehighstool]

After twenty years?
Leaving a shocked wife and devastated young children?
When family life while not easy but was functioning and enjoyable , where all the man's needs were met and enabled often to the sacrifice of everyone else?
Where two of the children had mild additional needs?
Is there something missing in that persons character? The lack of empathy/ love/ respect?
Thanks for reading. Trying to make sense of it all.

So sorry op he’s a selfish manchild. Please don’t blame yourself for his actions.

@cnoc that sounds exactly what my life was like, just add an affair to the mix. Thanks. Maybe I am bitter and angry . I have onpy just found out about the affair having been told it was my fault for six months . I spent those months going over and over what I had done wrong and beating myself up. I could not have done any more to make his life as stress free and responsibility free but it was never enough. Now I'm
Working on why I wanted to hold onto a husband and father who so clearly did not want to be held onto. It will be a long road so I expect bitterness and anger will all be normal parts of that process ?

Thanks for all the lovely supportive comments pps'

covid I was happy. Genuinely had a brilliant life. Not long married, lived a lovely life, plenty of disposable income, husband adored me and I loved him. I fell in massive lust, coinciding with landing a great new job and basically got completely carried away with how wonderful I was. I genuinely was happy, just got temporarily blinded and made a really bad choice. And please don't accuse her of being bitter. I hate that word, it suggests unjustified anger or being a bit pathetic holding onto a grudge. She has every right to ongoingly angry.

I am sorry. It does seem in this case that he who cares the least, values less

Look here

Critical, aggressive and picking on the kids? You're better off without him and so are the children. It hurts now, but hang on to that thought. He was abusive.

It will be better for the children not to be in the toxic atmosphere he must have generated, too.

Awful news hun.
People are animals and have instincts. He fell in love. Hard to blame someone for falling in love. Falling in love is the most natural thing in the world.

@lmcneil003 right ...

Ignore the wind up merchant

Thanks to you all and @AnyFucker

@AnyFucker I had fully intended to thank you for that link . It certainly helped ❤️

I assure you it’s perfectly possible to control your ‘instincts’, @lmcneil003.

Thanks @Cnoc

For a man to decide he is 'not a family man' and walk out on his kids as a result is completely shit and yes I agree OP there is something fundamentally wrong with him.

A friend of mine left a pregnant partner and two other children after years of difficulties in the relationship bordering on abuse (not saying that this is you - just an example).

He had been put down for years regarding his appearance (you are ugly, skinny etc), been led into secret credit card debt as he was the only earner. When his father died he was shown no compassion and was ordered to carry on with DIY jobs. He was given lists of DIY jobs on every day off and whichever he had not completed he had plates and glasses thrown at him. He was belittled in front of the children. He was belittled for not earning enough yet when he was due to attend a job interview he was kept up until 3am arguing about something. He spoke to his partners mother about what was going on but she told her daughter and they both ganged up on him.

We were all telling him to leave her and he felt he couldn’t. However a work colleague caught his eye and built his self esteem and he ended up leaving his partner for her. To be honest we applauded him. Of course two of the three children have been alienated so he lives with that for the rest of his life.

YANBU

" He is incredibly selfish as a person"

That's what's wrong with him
And his temper

Now for planning the rest of your life without that selfish had-tempered person:

A solicitor
who'll help make sure you stay in the family home with the kids & retain half the joint assets including pensions etc

@Impropriety it's important of course to examine both sides and for many people they are the silent victims . I can absolutely assure you that there was no such thing in our marriage , however he did like to portray himself as a victim of unfairness ie he was expected to be a husband and a father ... neither of which roles he enjoyed or engaged in to a normal level. Unless of course his own needs were at the forefront of the families

Thanks @BigChocFrenzy . I was the main earner so I expect that after bank rolling him for years, he won't lay claim to my pension etcetera.

I knows it's prob not any comfort, but he probably switched off & has been just going thru the motions for a while. It may not have been the first affair but it was the one that decided him he'd go. You're better off without someone whose heart isn't in it. I worked somewhere huge, with quite a few mid to late 40's men who'd done similar. They all said they'd been unhappy for ages & only half of them left for another woman. Facing middle age makes people take stock about how they spend the rest of their days. I've a female work colleague whose coming to the same conclusion now, she's been unhappy for a while but her DH's extended mid life crisis has worn her down.

Everything he is telling you now is a lie to make himself feel better about what he has done. You can’t expect to make any sense of that.

He is the one that people will judge and find lacking.
Focus on yourself and your kids. Wishing you well