To think there is something fundamentally wrong with a man who walks out after a month affair..

[thehighstool]

After twenty years?
Leaving a shocked wife and devastated young children?
When family life while not easy but was functioning and enjoyable , where all the man's needs were met and enabled often to the sacrifice of everyone else?
Where two of the children had mild additional needs?
Is there something missing in that persons character? The lack of empathy/ love/ respect?
Thanks for reading. Trying to make sense of it all.

I have great support and a great counsellor.
Up to recently, he swore that he may get afterwards and the reason he left is because I was nagging him and he didn't have time to invest in family because of his work and I didn't understand that. It seems that his' work' was the last thing on his mind.
He only Told me this week that it was an affair after nearly 6 months. Up to that point, I blamed
Myself entirely.

He was unhappy. This is not your fault. He was a coward and waited until he met someone else before leaving.

He knew the family situation, he was a father and married yet broke his vows. It’s not all on the OW.

Counselling won’t work if he doesn’t want to stay in the relationship and to go along with it just strings things out more. Would you really want him to stay unhappy just to meet your wants?

The children need to be the focus now, making everything as smooth and as easy for them as possible.

Since he told me that he did actually have an affair, I have been able to detach myself emotionally from him. Weirdly I felt a little sorry for him until that point because I believed it was my fault.He has lost the relationship with our teen who has completely shut him off, his family, his friends, our mutual friends. He has lost his job and lives rurally. He has very little money and lost the respect of many of our community ie groups and organisations that we are involved in as a family. Our children don't ask to go to him or call
Him especially during lock down.

I invest everything I have in me into my children. They are my
Number one. However, I find that MN can be a great adult escape to vent and to get thoughts and opinions and help me process stuff and I value the time
And advice given to me always, sometimes as hard as it is to hear.

When family life while not easy but was functioning and enjoyable
Sadly maybe you found family life enjoyable and he didn't? I know this sounds awful but would he have left if he was enjoying his life?

where all the man's needs were met and enabled often to the sacrifice of everyone else?
It is definitely not appropriate for everyone else's needs to be sacrificed for someone else's. Why would you do that? That is not a proper relationship. Did he actually want you to do that or was it you who put him on a pedestal?

Is there something missing in that persons character? The lack of empathy/ love/ respect?
If he has a lack of empathy/love/respect then be grateful he has left. Life will be different but it could be even better without him. In the future you could meet someone else who will treat you with love and respect and as an equal. You deserve better.

You cannot make someone happy.
His lack of interest in dc up to now means you better off without him..and actually being forced to actively seek to spend time with them may be better for DC and their relationship with him
And allow you time to do something for you
See it as a reason to turn around your life too.

Or if dc have little reason to visit him so he it.

Dont invest 100 per cent of you in dc.
Invet some of that in you

Are you from a religious community op - it sounds as if you have a lot of traditional views.

If he wasn’t that keen on family life anyway you are better off without him. Good luck op

No I didn't have him
On a pedestal but I think deep
Down I knew because of his moods that he didn't Enjoy life . He is a glass half empty type of person . His moods and aggression at times scared the kids and me and he hated that I called him out on his aggression with the kids and didn't tolerate it , in front of them. That may sound disrespectful but for years we spoke about his anger and temper especially towards the kids and I never stepped back and enabled that part
Of him.He was critical of them
Always and would come home from
Work and hardly acknowledge them apart from Criticising a mess they had made , for example. He essentially picked on them with no let up.

Doesn't sound like much of a loss, as he check out of family life awhile ago.

Sorry this has happened to you OP, but I honestly think you are better off now even if it doesn't seem that way yet. My dad was like this, and my mum is now 10 years divorced and happier than she ever was when married!

Grumpy, selfish, miserable - fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He sounds worse with every post OP. so not only was he a selfish cheat, he was also abusive to you and the children (no-one should be scared in their own home). You all sound well rid and hopefully you will all flourish without living under the constant cloud of an angry man.

I'd suggest reading lundy bancroft 'why does he do that' if you are still searching for answers. You may find it offers a revealing insight into the mindset of selfish angry men.

He sounds like a deeply unhappy person.
I mean he also sounds like a total selfish prick.
But overall he is a miserable excuse for a man and in time you will look back without emotion and see him for what he is - it sounds like you are beginning to get to that point. Well done!

It’s difficult to understand why people do the shitty things they do, the best we can do is be true to ourselves in how we respond and deal with it. You sound like you’ve done incredibly well to handle all of this.

The important thing is that you are no longer tied to someone who would treat you so appallingly and in time you will thank your lucky stars that he left when he did. Better 20 years of your life than 40.
Don’t try to analyse or understand WHY. You would never get the truth from him anyway - he will always deflect blame to you.

Sometimes, I think men enter into affairs so that they have a reason for leaving. They haven't got the bottle to face up/fess up to their own unhappiness, so they hitch it to some poor woman's wagon as a way out of the marriage.

^^this.
Two options to answer your question OP.

He's been miserable for a while but couldn't pluck up the courage to leave until he had somewhere/someone else to go to. Many men don't go until someone shows them a flicker of interest and suddenly it's all "she's my soulmate/ we are star crossed lovers / she understands me" bull shit.

Or it's actually been longer than a month anyway and you'll find out more sordid details in due course.

Either way it's shit and I'm so sorry for the bomb in your life but I hope you come back stronger and happier.

Some men are selfish pricks only interested in their own needs.
The fast leavers are the ones who expect you to take them back when it goes belly up.

I will Never ever take him back

Some men are selfish pricks only interested in their own needs.
The fast leavers are the ones who expect you to take them back when it goes belly up.

This, many times over. That is what he is and that is what he expects. He thinks he has options and you will come begging at some point.

We know you won't.

I'm sorry it's happening to you. You will come out the other end and have a better life without him. KOKO.

Human life is complex.

I think good people can have affairs, some awful people wouldn't dream of it.

It sounds like he left emotionally a long time ago and the affair was his excuse to leave. It may or may not be important to him.

Or maybe he was staying in a desperate and deliberate attempt to do the right thing and the affair "just happened". I do think that happens, especially when people are unhappy.

You'll never be able to understand it, but long term you will realise it wasn't doing any of you any good. You talk of doing everything you could "to make him happy". That's no way to live.

I think you and your children are much better off wity

Oops
Much better off without him.

Ffs affairs do not just happen. I've had one and been cheated on. In both cases, conscious choices were made. OP, you are 6 months on from when he left yes? So, if you can, try to move past him, her, the marriage you had or thought you had and look forward. If you haven't heard of 'the script' Google it. Many unfaithful partners including mine use it to deflect the 'blame' for the marriage failure. It may help you make sense of any current bollocks he's spouting.

When family life while not easy but was functioning and enjoyable , where all the man's needs were met and enabled often to the sacrifice of everyone else?

That's your perspective. If it was the same for him, presumably he wouldn't have left?
It sucks for you OP but I don't think it makes sense for someone to live a life they find unsatisfying until they die and u don't think there's something "fundamentally wrong" if they decide to leave that.

Plenty of moral arguments to be made though.

You sound very bitter and angry.
Nobody who is happy has an affair.
You had a lucky escape as you go on to say his temper scared you and the children.
You deserve better and will no be able to live in peace without fear.
Be kind to yourself.

When family life while not easy but was functioning and enjoyable , where all the man's needs were met and enabled often to the sacrifice of everyone else?

That's your perspective. If it was the same for him, presumably he wouldn't have left?

Alas, I've seen close up recently that this is not necessarily the case. My friend abruptly announced (on holiday in Disneyland (Disneyworld? The one in Florida?) last summer to his wife that he wanted a divorce, had been unhappy for years and wasn't suited to family life (they have two primary-school-aged girls). Having seen his family life close up, I can confirm that his wife did everything all the cooking, shopping, all the school/childminder drop-offs, all the mental load, homework help, bedtimes etc while he faffed around at work for unnecessarily long hours, and spent weekends upstairs 'working', but actually gaming or just loafing around on the internet, buying stupidly expensive tech stuff.

No affair, no one else involved at all. Just announced out of the blue he couldn't cope with family life. His vision of freedom since he left the marital home seems to be lying around on the sofa watching bad TV with one eye on his iPad.