Child going to his dad

[mildlymiffed]

Help me out here.

DS and me have been isolating now for approx 4 weeks... like the rest of the UK. In that time he hasn't gone to his dad. In part this is because his dad's gf was pregnant, so we were shielding her, and then she had the baby 2 weeks ago. Now home from hospital.

Ds talks to dad on FaceTime every day, sometimes twice a day. Dad has dropped off some stuff on doorstep, and talks to ds from pavement.

ExH is now requesting that we resume normal childcare arrangements. I don't feel comfortable with this. None of us are "high risk", but given that I'm a single parent- if I were ill at home the thought of caring for myself and ds (10) makes me quite anxious.

I've offered that ds can go to exH for three weeks straight if that is preferable. But obviously exH is reluctant to do this with newborn baby.

I just don't get the logic. I can't pop round to my mates for dinner- regardless of whether they've been self isolating or not, so why is it okay for ds to houseswap? I get that this is a father-son thing, but surely this is about common sense.

However in this altered sense of reality, not sure if i should give my head a wobble, and just resume normal contact.

I'm wfh, so I'm okay caring for my son at home.

AIBU to just push back and say no? We're not divorced so don't have a formal access arrangement in place.

Of your child wants to maintain a healthy relationship with his dad, which surely you are encouraging, then you should let him go.

Kids need both parents and some normality. This is one of the exceptions where travel is allowed which is specifically detailed in the government guidelines.

The restrictions in place are to slow the spread so your concerns about one of you catching the virus are largely unfounded as at some point that will probably happen anyway, if it hasn’t already.

Let the kid see his Dad

Sorry but YABU. Unless there's a significant dripfeed that your XH is a nurse and you have terrible asthma then normal child contact should resume. That's what the guidelines state.

I think YABU, children are allowed to move between households and presumably with a newborn they are pretty much self isolating apart from shopping and so are you so risk is very minimal in the grand scheme of things.

Mine are going back and forth fortnightly. With no underlying issues, provided they are also obeying guidelines, id let him go. Safety re CV has to be balanced against risk management and other harms. The timing of thr new baby will be hard on your son anyway. If him not seeing his dad for weeks is coinciding with that, he may develop ideas nabout being less important

I know why you are anxious, but you should let normal contact resume. Are they taking care and self isolating with the baby? If so, the additional risks are very small, but the mental health gains are much larger, for all of you. Also, your DS can bond with his sibling, and these early days are time they will never get back. Time to look at the bigger picture.

I agree, your son should see his dad. Children seeing both parents is completely different to friends seeing each other. That’s why the government guidelines specifically say that children can move between households to facilitate contact.

I think your DC will be pretty safe at his DH's house since they're being careful.

Do have to laugh at the not wanting him for 3 straight weeks because it will be 'hard' with a new baby. Well duh ... said every family with more than one child everywhere. If he was still with you and you had had a second, you wouldn't have shipped your own child off for the duration! He is being a bit of an arse about that aspect of it. They're both his children!

You were BU to use 'shielding' as a reason not to send him in the first place - pregnancy does not place anyone on the shielding list. You are B further U by not letting your son go.

YABU, children have a right to spend time with both parents, and your son going to stay with his Dad is within the rules. It would be unreasonable to make up your own rules that then prevent a parent and child from spending time with each other. Especially when your son has a new sibling to meet.

YABU. He should be going to his dad's as usual.

YABU

I’m not sending my dc to their dads, however he’s still working. If he’s wasn’t I think I’d be ok with that.

Children are allowed to move between homes. You have all been so careful and sensible. As long as this continues there is very little risk to the wider public as you are just going between homes. I'd let your dc go.

YABU. Children are allowed to go between both parents homes. It’s not the same, or nearly as important as visiting a friend. It’s about maintaining that relationship with the other parent. That’s why’s it’s different and that’s why it’s allowed.

Children seeing both parents is allowed within the guidelines. YABU.

YABU

My children with their dad every weekend

YABVU

YABVU. Do not weaponise this pandemic for your own means.

Because your son is part of his dad's household as much as he is part of yours. The guidelines are not that we all need to live in hermetically sealed bubbles, but that we need to minimise unnecessary contact to slow, rather than stop, the spread of the virus. The rules make it explicitly clear that children are allowed to spend time with both parents, and YABU to try to stop this happening.

I've just 'let' my almost 17 year old go off to work with his dad . He's older so I couldn't have stopped him if he put up a fuss but he's a good lad and asked if it was ok.

My instinct is to keep them home but I have to weigh up the risks of working in an empty place with his father or him sitting in front of the bloody ps4 which by his own admission is starting to bore him.

This is so very unreasonable. Contact with the NRP is clearly allowed, there is no increased risk, there is absolutely no reason it should not go ahead.

YABU OP. I know it's scary and no one wants to contract anything but you can't stop your ex seeing his dc. My dc go backwards and forwards between myself and my ex, they need to maintain a relationship with him. He's as careful as we are .

Okay. I've conceded and contacted exH and agreed to come up with a plan that will work for both households. I'm not a dick- just suffer from health anxiety... and this is terrifying unprecedented times!

I'm not weaponising anything to be clear. ExH is a great dad! Parents well, and can do just as good a job as I can. In "normal" times we coparent very successfully.

Unsurprisingly rational answers aren't the easiest to find in crisis situations!

Thanks for the advice. Head adjusted- and I'll take some deep breaths!

YABU. Contact arrangements are permitted to stay in place. I suspect that you made the offer of your son staying with his dad for three weeks knowing that it would be declined. The last thing your son needs is to feel that he’s been replaced by a new sibling. Your son needs to see his dad but his dad needs to reassure you that he’s keeping safe.

Cross post