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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this not my issue?

49 replies

Notsurewhyimhere80 · 15/04/2020 21:45

I've always hated people fidgeting. Tapping their foot, messing with their hands, basically anything repetitive. My wife does this a lot and it is worse when she's eating crap and is stressed. When we're trying to relax in the evening it really gets to me. I can't relax, I'm constantly waiting for it and having to ask her to stop.

With the lockdown, everything has got on top of me and it's come to a head tonight. She's asked me to speak to a therapist to see why it annoys me so much. I don't know how to feel about this. Should I be the one to accept it rather than she look into the reasons behind her fidgeting?

OP posts:
MandyDingle · 15/04/2020 21:49

YABU my husband does about 3842 things that annoy me, I just have to get on with it. I probably do the same amount of things that annoy him but he just has to get on with it. It’s not like she’s hurting you/destroying the house/something terrible.

Windyatthebeach · 15/04/2020 21:52

Read up on misophonia op..
Made lots of sense to me and things that bug me!

peakygal · 15/04/2020 21:54

Sounds like Misphonia...Google it...I have it...Its a real issue

Amigoingmad29weeks · 15/04/2020 21:56

I think she's right. Fidgeting is normal. I can't just sit still, i have to be doing something. I crochet, knit, do my nails etc.
My husband just lets me get on with it even tho it must irritate him sometimes. You are the one with the problem so you either need to suck it up, find something to take your mind off it or seek help.

Original poster
Notsurewhyimhere80 · 15/04/2020 21:58

Yes I've read up on that. I don't want it to affect me and if I could just get on with it I could but it gives me anxiety, my heart races and I just feel like I need to leave the room which obviously isn't what I want. I think with us both being women we're more sensitive so it makes the situation worse.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2020 21:58

You need to learn how to manage your own anxieties. Your wife
"fidgeting" is not harming you, or anyone, whatsoever. If you need alone time, which is perfectly fine, you need to work out a solution and speak to your wife about it. if she needs to look at the reasons as to why she fidgets, then she should demand you do the same as to why you are so uptight and controlling. No one is perfect, and this includes you. if her fidgeting is her biggest flaw, consider yourself a very lucky man.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 15/04/2020 21:58

I don't like it when people fidget.

That is my issue though.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2020 21:59

Sorry, op. I referred to you as a man before I saw your update.

CalleighDoodle · 15/04/2020 22:00

Just looked up misphonia. Sounds like what all teachers have about pen clicking Grin

Op, yabu. It is your issue. Deal with it.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2020 22:01

Perhaps you could give her a foot/hand massage when she starts to fidget? it might help alleviate her need to twitch.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/04/2020 22:06

I suggest double approach. You try and find out why it bothers you so much and she also try and find less annoying ways to feed her fidget need. I have every sympathy for you both.

Cyberworrier · 15/04/2020 22:07

Yes, look up misophonia. I think a website to do with tinnitus has some info about how to deal with it in families and there’s advice on how to approach the issue sensitively, as it is hurtful for people to be told the noises they make are disturbing (even if they are). Remember to be mindful of your partners feelings when you discuss it with them and be factful not judgemental- eg don’t say ‘it’s disgusting when’, say ‘it makes me feel uncomfortable when’ instead. Good luck

Original poster
Notsurewhyimhere80 · 15/04/2020 22:07

Her fidgeting is caused by her anxiety and stress so I'm thinking that needs looking into surely, as well as my anxiety around why the fidgeting annoys me?

OP posts:
Jupiters · 15/04/2020 22:09

I think if you have the issue it's up to you to fix it.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 15/04/2020 22:09

Im the same OP. I hate fidgeting and dp is terrible for it, especially when he is nervous. I also hate a lot of noise. Of there is more than one TV on at a time I can't really cope, and it can't be too loud. Unfortunately I seem to live in a house full of people who have hearing difficu3and can't sit still (they don't, and they can 🙄)

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 15/04/2020 22:11

Oh god, I didn't realise that there was a name for it. I just thought I was really intolerant.

Cyberworrier · 15/04/2020 22:11

Ps I think a lot of posters who haven’t experienced misophonia think it’s ‘silly’ or an over reaction. I think a lot of people who have it have autism/adhd/are not neurotypical, from what I’ve read... so please don’t get stressed by the fact it’s being minimised by people who don’t really get what you’re going through, they really may just not have a clue!

Original poster
Notsurewhyimhere80 · 15/04/2020 22:12

Thank you cyberworrier :)

OP posts:
Starbucksbasic123 · 15/04/2020 22:15

I’ve been like this since school. I recall being in an exam and a girl was bouncing her foot up and down! It was like someone screaming in my head! I’m the same now with noise and I find it’s worse when I’m anxious. I accept that it’s my problem and always have ear pods or I take myself away and where possible just try to calm myself down

Cyberworrier · 15/04/2020 22:16

Her fidgeting may be her way of self -soothing- so it maybe her way of dealing with stress ... if that’s the full story of her anxiety, it sounds like you guys need to learn to tolerate or live with each other’s behaviour better, eg she needs to try to not fiddle or make repetitive noises as much, and you need to work on your tolerance or ability to zone out. My husband is a fiddler so I do understand your pain.

EngagedAgain · 15/04/2020 22:25

Neither of you are at fault really, and presumably it's worse than usual with spending more time together. These are testing times for many people. If it is solely because of the lockdown, perhaps you could try to block it out a bit for the time being. If you cannot do that, and it's not just because of lockdown, then maybe try to help each other somehow improve things.

AWryGiraffe · 15/04/2020 22:26

I'm the same. Certain kinds of repetitive noise feels like it physically hurts me! I wear headphones a lot at work

biwinoone · 15/04/2020 22:30

I know what you mean. What you have described is not that some is is keeping themselves busy, it's the constant repetitive motion. I too fidget a lot sometimes and get annoyed by myself. So I can completely understand why it could bother you. But feeling so anxious over it that you have to leave the room is over the top.

Samtsirch · 15/04/2020 22:30

OP
Could it be that your wife’s “ fidgeting “ is highlighting her anxiety to you, and that in turn aggravates you because you feel you should be able to placate her worries or put her at ease?
As in you want to be able to take care of her and don’t like to see her distressed?
You need to discuss both sides of the issue; why she does what she does and why it disconcerts you.

AddressLabel · 15/04/2020 22:38

I thought misphonia was related to noise? Fidgeting isn't necessarily noisy. Personally I can't stand fidgeting, especially foot wiggling. I remember sitting an exam at school and getting extremely agitated that I could see another pupils foot constantly wiggling out the corner of my eye. I had to try and sit at an angle and cover the side of my face with my hand or I'd have probably flipped out and failed my exam. My siblings quite often reminice about my shouting at them for wiggling their feet when we'd be trying to watch the telly Grin

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