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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this not my issue?

49 replies

Notsurewhyimhere80 · 15/04/2020 21:45

I've always hated people fidgeting. Tapping their foot, messing with their hands, basically anything repetitive. My wife does this a lot and it is worse when she's eating crap and is stressed. When we're trying to relax in the evening it really gets to me. I can't relax, I'm constantly waiting for it and having to ask her to stop.

With the lockdown, everything has got on top of me and it's come to a head tonight. She's asked me to speak to a therapist to see why it annoys me so much. I don't know how to feel about this. Should I be the one to accept it rather than she look into the reasons behind her fidgeting?

OP posts:
MKUltrachic · 15/04/2020 22:45

You don’t get to police her body - a relative of mine rages at family members for annoying her by fidgeting - we tell her it’s not her business to tell adults what they can do with their fingers etc.

Casualbride · 15/04/2020 22:58

Use a cushion or something to block your view of the fidgeting, that way you can stay in the same room and chat etc without seeing the repetitive movement.

lilmishap · 15/04/2020 23:08

It shouldn't bother you, kids do all kinds of annoying stuff and adults filter that shit out

PinaColadaintheRain · 15/04/2020 23:09

Just keep separate for a while and use headphones. Meditate and get into comedy.

terkwoys · 15/04/2020 23:10

Someone else fidgeting is absolutely infuriating. Your desire to fidget does not override everyone else's desire to not have to listen or see it (or feel it if eg. on the same sofa).
It's annoying, and really bad manners. Just bloody sit still, will you?

SarahAndQuack · 15/04/2020 23:16

It sounds as if you are not compatible.

You both sound really on edge and annoyed. Did you ever like each other?

fourandnomore · 15/04/2020 23:18

Wow I think you’re getting a really hard time from some posters here OP. I have so many fidgety habits that annoy my husband so he asks me to stop doing but they annoy me too and I wish I didn’t do them and after 20+ years I’m grateful for the prompt to stop. However if he told me they were actually upsetting him or having this effect I would try to stop even more. I really do think a good conversation about what you can do to support each other is what is needed here. You show you are understanding of her anxiety and of course that must go both ways. She needs to be sensitive to your feelings too. I do think this is a very common thing though. Equally so many things can annoy you about someone’s actions but they are far outweighed by the positives and with time become so intertwined with those that they become something you love, I have found.
I hope you find you can work through this together.

Soontobe60 · 15/04/2020 23:18

OP, I'm exactly the same. I'm particularly bad with the sound of others eating. Now, we eat watching TV or listening to music, insit in a chair where I don't see his fidgeting and he also tries not to do it. (He frequently twitches his toes).

saraclara · 15/04/2020 23:20

She fidgets due to stress. You hate fidgeting, due to stress. Neither of you are at fault. Both of you could try to address the problem.

But be aware that preventing your partner fidgeting will make her own condition worse. It slightly relieves her problem. Take it away without support and you could end up with bigger problems.

Howfar12 · 15/04/2020 23:26

YANBU - OP, you’re getting a lot of unfair responses, which I believe is because you’re a guy (like I am).

As long as you told her in a reasonable manner, then it’s fine. A lot of people have partners who have bad habits which they detest and share on here, so I don’t see the problem with asking her about it.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/04/2020 23:29

Oh God, I live in a family of foot tappers, finger tappers, leg jugglers. DH is the worst. Drives me absolutely barmy.

I’m embarrassed to say that I’m a bit taken aback at the notion that the issue is mine, not his, to solve. Surely tapping your foot unescessarily is utterly, ridiculously, murderously, unreasonable and no jury in the land would convict me? (Only half joking here.)

Imboredinthehouse · 15/04/2020 23:35

50/50
I've always hated people fidgeting. Tapping their foot, messing with their hands, basically anything repetitive
You are very specific.
My wife does this a lot and it is worse when she's eating crap and is stressed did she do all this when you met? If so, why did you get married?

She's asked me to speak to a therapist to see why it annoys me so much. I don't know how to feel about this. Should I be the one to accept it rather than she look into the reasons behind her fidgeting?
being as you say you have always hated people fidgeting either you hid it when you met her OR she wasn’t anxious when you met her.

So, you are either an arse who hid it or you get help for your annoyance of her new trait or you help her through her anxiety which causes her new trait.

At this point if you both want to remain married you both seek equally. Her for stress, you for being impatient and short tempered.

Mothership4two · 15/04/2020 23:38

My husband is a fidgetter too, afraid you just have to suck it up. There are probably things you do that get on her nerves too OP. Lockdown is exacerbating how we react to others and other things. It is probably just her way of reacting to a/this stressful situation.

Trueperfectionhastobeimperfect · 15/04/2020 23:41

@Howfar12

Read the update. OP is female.

I'm the same with both fidgeting and noise, I often sit with my knees up and put a blanket across my legs to block out any and all foot tapping. DP seeme to be much worse since lockdown, although he's a very laid back man, so not sure if it's anxiety manifesting, or boredom.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 15/04/2020 23:44

When I first starting dating my ex partner he thought I was perfect. We were happy for several months and then things I did started to become increasingly irritating to him. I hadn't changed.

I think sometimes it's the first sign that you aren't right for each other and the honeymoon is over.

terkwoys · 15/04/2020 23:45

A couple of my family members have hypermobility, and it is a known cause of needing to fidget. But it is still a nightmare to have to sit next to someone (in the cinema for instance) when they literally cannot stop jiggling about. It drives me potty.

DoTheNextRightThing · 15/04/2020 23:45

The thing is, both of these things are an involuntary action. If your wife is fidgeting, it's because she's anxious or she has restless leg syndrome. I know that well from being constantly berated at school for fidgeting. Your hatred of fidgeting is an anxiety. Neither one of you is in the wrong, but also neither one of you can stop what you are doing. You need to work together to resolve this.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/04/2020 23:46

"her anxiety and stress so I'm thinking that needs looking into surely"

Totally normal to be anxious and stressed at the moment.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/04/2020 23:56

That’s very interesting Terkwoys

counciltaxquery · 16/04/2020 00:14

Fidgeting is obnoxious and inconsiderate. Just sit still like an adult Confused It's so annoying when you can't concentrate because you can see someone's leg twitching in the corner of your eye or hear continuous tapping.

Mustbethewine · 16/04/2020 00:15

I can understand why fidgeting can be annoying but considering it gives you anxiety then I'd say it's more than likely misophonia.

Original poster
Notsurewhyimhere80 · 16/04/2020 10:18

Just to update everyone (and thanks for the responses) we had a talk this morning after a night's sleep and we've both agreed to try and control it from both sides. I'm going to talk to a therapist about it next week and see if that helps the anxiety about it.

OP posts:
amy85 · 16/04/2020 10:44

Fidgeting is a form of self stimulatory behaviour and is used to calm and soothe an individual...so your partner is dealing with her anxiety/stress by fidgeting

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