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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at DH

41 replies

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 18:44

Let me start by saying I love my DH, and normally he is really supportive and this doesn’t happen every time...

But. For some reason if I’m having a really bad day he can take it personally.
Today I’ve had an awful day with our children both crying a lot (2u2) at seemingly nothing, mostly because they’re so cooped up, and I’ve really struggled and found myself just bursting into tears.

I messaged my husband saying I was struggling mostly just looking support and made a comment about how I wish his work wasn’t classed as essential and he got annoyed, saying we wouldn’t have any money etc.. I get that, and said that I was sorry I was just thinking of how much easier it would be if I had any support in the day and ever since he’s just been a grouch.

It’s like he can’t just be supportive when I’m stressed out and annoyed, he needs to take it personally and one up how annoyed I am.

AIBU to just want him to reply saying ‘yes it does suck, hopefully it won’t be too much longer but how about we take a family walk this evening’ instead of getting annoyed and barely talking to me?

OP posts:

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 15/04/2020 18:48

It sounded from that text that you resented him being at work, no wonder he got a bit grouchy.

Original poster

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 18:53

Yes but I apologised straight away, how long can I expect him to be angry with me about one comment that I said while in tears and then apologised for?

OP posts:

mrsmuddlepies · 15/04/2020 18:57

Imagine if a Dad had been left to look after the children and he phoned his wife in tears to say it was really hard. Imagine the reaction on here.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 15/04/2020 18:57

Is he in a highly stressful job? Is he home yet or still at work?

Original poster

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 19:00

@mrsmuddlepies I’m really sorry I’m assuming it’s been a long day but I can’t tell if you’re saying I’m being unreasonable or not

OP posts:

Original poster

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 19:02

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain Nothing highly stressful really, he’s a production manager for a food company and really loves his job. All jobs have their stresses obviously but he’s not mentioned any bad ones lately, even mentioned how little everything had effected his day to day (we were both surprised, I was expecting them to be rushed with all the panic buying at the start!)

OP posts:

mrsmuddlepies · 15/04/2020 19:06

Imagine he lost his job or gave in his notice because you were finding it hard to look after your own children. Having a jokey moan is fine, crying is not fine. There are going to be a lot of people struggling financially when all this is over. Be glad your husband has a secure job.
YABU

Merename · 15/04/2020 19:08

It’s like he can’t just be supportive when I’m stressed out and annoyed, he needs to take it personally and one up how annoyed I am.

I sympathise op, in that I feel days with kids are too much sometimes, and I take it out on DH too much sometimes. I also similarly expect patience from him when I am grumpy and stressed, yet when he is grumpy I am hardly overflowing with compassion. It is a big ask of people to be patient and kind when bearing the brunt of someone else’s stress - I see this when me and DH get down to talking about how we are feeling. I suspect he would say the same as you have above - he probably would rather not work, finds that stressful and wants your support. If you both can talk about how you feel, and listen and empathise with the other, then you’ll both get what you need.

Original poster

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 19:09

@mrsmuddypuddles Okay. You’re probably right, I wasn’t looking for him to hand his notice in, I was just finding it hard and wanted some support.

OP posts:

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 15/04/2020 19:09

Conversations over text, especially when you're stressed or upset can be misinterpreted. Being slightly annoyed at you could be magnified when you're looking for a positive response. Wait for him to come home and have a chat.

Original poster

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 19:11

@myotherusernamewastakenagain he’s already home, he won’t talk to me but now I’m not surprised. I honestly didn’t realise how much my text would have effected him.

OP posts:

JulesBW · 15/04/2020 19:14

What is with the mindset that you can’t feel down about something because someone has it worse?

Everyone is struggling in their own way and they are entitled to feel how they are feeling.

Personally I think your DH was a bit mean, he could have just said “sorry you’re having a bad day.”
He could have been feeling down himself though so maybe don’t take it too personally if he’s usually supportive.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2020 19:15

Wanting support by sharing you're having a rough day is one thing, moaning to your husband about his job that supports your family is quite another. It's no wonder he got defensive and frustrated.

Gumps · 15/04/2020 19:16

Wow people are so harsh. I think it’s perfectly natural to have a bad day and want to lean on your husband for some support.
Just sit down together when you are both relaxed and the kids are in bed and chat it through. Hopefully you will both realise you got the wrong ends of the sticks and move on together.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow. It’s tough and with two small kids and your day to day routine gone out the window it must be really tough, so be kind to yourself.

SamSeabornforPresident · 15/04/2020 19:17

I really sympathise, OP, I called my husband crying one day - the stress of having two little ones can sometimes be too much, and, because he's my partner, he talked me down, made me laugh and generally helped as much as he could. I do feel sorry for those who can't have a bit of a moan sometimes.

HOWEVER, on other occasions he does have a tendency to take my moaning personally. He's a fixer, naturally, so when I have a problem, he wants to fix it. If he can't, he does sometimes get a bit defensive and I have to explain to him that I'm not blaming him, just moaning. It can be bloody frustrating.

Kdubs1981 · 15/04/2020 19:18

Some people struggle to manage or tolerate other people's emotions. It could be anxiety, sadness, anger. It makes them angry. I'm sorry, as this is quite difficult to live with.

I imagine he feels guilty that you're having a hard time snd sometimes this makes people angry.

My husband can be like this. You're not alone and not going mad. It's ok to have a bad day. Two under 2 with no support and without you're usual Coping mechanisms of getting out and seeing other mums is really hard.

I'm finding the new situation of being a stay at home mum to my three year old really hard while my husband still works.

You're not alone and it's not unreasonable to expect kind words and understanding from your husband, just as I'm sure you would provide if he was having a hard time.

You'll get through this and you're certainly not alone.

mrsmuddlepies · 15/04/2020 19:18

It's the Bursting into tears that I mind. I look after very young grandchildren (well I did until recently). At the end of a very long day or overnighter, I am tired but I wouldn't cry. I certainly wouldn't phone their Mum crying about how hard it is to look after little children, knowing she was at work and couldn't do anything.

Kdubs1981 · 15/04/2020 19:19

Oh and some people on here are just being arseholes and are best ignored. What happened to be kind?

Kdubs1981 · 15/04/2020 19:21

Oh god, the typos! You're 😱

Croprotationinthe14thcentury · 15/04/2020 19:21

Depends how often it happens. If you're always ringing him up crying about the kids I can understand why he's pissed off. If it's a one off I think he could of been a bit nicer about it. Chin up op, this isolation is tough, I'm really feeling it today but I went for a walk and I'm telling myself tomorrow is another day hopefully easier one!

Original poster

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 19:22

I can see that I was being unreasonable. I didn’t mean to cry, having 2 young children and being pregnant is exhausting and I just struggled, I couldn’t help it. For everyone else I’m going to see how it goes this evening, I’m hoping to have a chat with him but don’t want it to turn into an argument if I bring it up again.

OP posts:

Summercamping · 15/04/2020 19:24

I know how you feel! Things can just get on top of you sometimes, that's normal! Him ignoring you is not ok. You've apologised, that should be enough for him

Original poster

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 19:24

@Croprotationinthe14thcentury not very often at all, usually I’m absolutely fine. It’s probably just because it’s week 4/5 without going out and it’s all getting in top of me.

OP posts:

msmith501 · 15/04/2020 19:25

Pour a glass of wine for you both. Explain why you did it and maybe say you realise that it was a bit OTT if you need to. Let him know it's hard for both of you and give him a toast to both of you. Move on.....

Original poster

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 19:27

@msmith501 Oh I would love to, I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind some alcohol!

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