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Original poster

Would you mind the constant contact ?

27 replies

jessiejaysus · 15/04/2020 13:05

Lockdown with boyfriend of two years. I work a few nights per week. My man is wfh but has constant contact with his female
Friend and colleague. Daily up to 10/20 texts .Work related: jokes,photos ,articles of interest etc.
On the nights he has drinks, I notice he has more contact with her and tries to organise stuff with her after lockdown ends.she is up for this. She is divorced with kids and much older than him and he swears they are just friends and they werefriends for years before
We got together.what I recently noticed was that when she talks about other men and getting back dating, he ignores those texts or doesn't comment on them. He answers all other texts even though he is the one who nearly always starts the conversations.
He doesn't really text her on the nights he is with me. I work night duty. He is quite attentive when he is with me. He sees a future for us and talks about our future. I snooped.

OP posts:
OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 15/04/2020 13:11

Stop snooping. Have you always been slightly paranoid? Does he drink often?
It doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong.

Blackandgreenteas · 15/04/2020 13:16

Blimey. I have a friend at work who is a much younger married man - I’m a divorced mum of kids. The two of us are in charge of organising drinks and the like for our work so would undoubtedly discuss this! Most work convos are in a group though.

I’d hate anyone to think there was anything untoward or that I fancied him!

It’s not me though as haven’t had the conversations you describe’during lockdown.

Original poster
jessiejaysus · 15/04/2020 13:21

I can be paranoid at times. I thought it was excessive contact and especially when the invitations are for the two of them
Together on their own. And when it is when he has drinks that he suggests the nights out and drinks together on their own.
Is that really me being paranoid?

OP posts:
Umnoway · 15/04/2020 13:23

It’s excessive contact even for a male friend so yes, I’d be super suspicious about this too.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/04/2020 13:23

I have a male work friend who is younger than me and married with kids. (I am also married). We just happen to hit it off and talk about work related stuff via Whatsapp or whatever. It is all completely innocent. We probably message most days.

BrooHaHa · 15/04/2020 13:26

I think he fancies her but she's not interested.

BrooHaHa · 15/04/2020 13:28

Obviously not at all scientific and NAMALT bla bla bla, but I found this funny:

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2020 13:35

Focus on how he treats you

FlamedToACrisp · 15/04/2020 13:43

Agree with @BrooHaHa, he fancies her but she has obviously hinted several times that she is/will be looking for someone else. He just can't take the hint.

Original poster
jessiejaysus · 15/04/2020 13:52

The video wasn't easy to watch but I take
It lightheartedly .He treats me well and
I know he talks about me and our plans to her but something is niggling because he doesn't acknowledge her own feelings towards other men in their texts.I also noticed that when she texts about other men, he ramps up his conversation about me .

He doesn't drink too much or too often but when he has an extra few drinks, there is a pattern where he asks if they can meet after lockdown finishes and do social things together.They are not sleazy but it's always he who suggests. That doesn't make me feel good. I have not seen texts to others where he is arranging things with oither friends , male or female.

OP posts:
CherryBlossomPink · 15/04/2020 13:54

I’m divorced and have a male friend from work who is married with kids. His wife works 3 evenings a week and on those evenings we often message each other with jokey texts and pics and talk about meeting up for lunch again when all this is over. There is NOTHING untoward in this relationship from either side - we are just colleagues who get on well. His wife is fully aware of our friendship however on evenings she is not working, I respect their right for family time and we don’t message - if his wife ever “snooped” she may wonder why we only message when she is out, but that is the reason. There is nothing in any of our messages that I would have issues with her seeing - I message him in the same way I message another colleague who happens to be female.

Dozer · 15/04/2020 13:55

You don’t trust him. I wouldn’t either with this level and nature of contact. Snooping etc isn’t great. Better to end the relationship due to not trusting him / inappropriate contact.

Poppi89 · 15/04/2020 13:59

I think you're being a bit paranoid. If they were friends before you came along then you have no right to change the way they interact.
If she's talking about dating it sounds like she's not interested in him at all. He would also be texting his mates more when you are at work as he's got no one to talk to.

Be careful not to push him away by being paranoid.

Original poster
jessiejaysus · 15/04/2020 14:03

I'm very confused. The responses seem to be 50/50 in what's appropriate or not.
Sometimes the content can be a bit sexy, not between them but about others. Celebrities/ sex acts etc. It's banter and innuendo,not serious or not personal about me.

OP posts:
BrooHaHa · 15/04/2020 14:10

I'm very confused. The responses seem to be 50/50 in what's appropriate or not.

Well, of course. What's acceptable will vary from couple to couple. You agree together what you're willing to accept- for some couples that's no close friends of the opposite sex and for other couples full sex with other people is permissible. Most fall somewhere between the extremes.

Poppi89 · 15/04/2020 14:24

As the PP poster said.

You come on here to get advice and different opinions which will hopefully help you with your decisions.

No one knows what you should do as everyone has different things they are willing to accept. I've seen people on here that are cheated on multiple times and still stay, whilst others will leave if their partner has a girls number on their phone.

Unfortunately, no one on here can tell you what to do.

You have 2 choices IMO - accept it and leave it be or leave him.

Original poster
jessiejaysus · 15/04/2020 14:29

And I really appreciate your thoughts. Sometimes though there are unanimous responses to similar Posts and that can really help to Clarify what youknow in your head when your heart takes over.
I want to believe it's platonic but I don't know platonic friends who behave like this.

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 15/04/2020 14:49

Yes, there are some things that everyone agrees on. If you had come on here and said he has slept with her and now keeps messaging her to do it again then the results would be unanimous.

He hasn't actually done anything 'wrong' so it just depends how comfortable you are him having a close female friend.

I have male friends so I would be comfortable with this but I know a lot of people wouldn't which is also fine.

FlibbertyGiblets · 15/04/2020 15:25

You don't trust him deep down. That is why you snooped. And you have probably carried on monitoring his phone I reckon. How many times have you nosed through his phone?

Dozer · 15/04/2020 16:47

Does he have “friendships” like this with other work colleagues?

Original poster
jessiejaysus · 15/04/2020 18:52

I've been through his phone approximately six times.
He doesn't do that with any other colleague male or female or any of his uni friends male or female.
She is the most contacted on his messaging app.

OP posts:
Laiste · 15/04/2020 19:43

I'm going to be blunt and totally honest, i wouldn't like DH doing this and DH would sure as hell not like me texting another bloke while he was on nights.

What other couples do or not accept the other doing is none of our business and i wouldn't dream of saying the way we do things or the way we think is the 'right' way, and theirs is wrong. But our way works for us because we're on the same page. You need to be on the same page to make life easy i think.

BabyDancer · 15/04/2020 20:33

Ergh. I would dump you if I was your DH and I found out that you had been snooping through my phone. That's so disrespectful.

I've been with my husband for over 12 years and I've had male friends throughout our relationship. My partner struggled a little with jealousy at the beginning but he never overstepped the mark like that. I regularly message my male friends in a similar way to your DH and there are different dynamics in different friendships. Some of my friends want advice on their relationships while others just want to talk about random things and share funny memes etc. Shock horror. I also meet up with my male friends...god forbid.

Dozer · 15/04/2020 22:00

Did you text them 20X a day, after drinking, and mainly when their DP was working?

BabyDancer · 15/04/2020 22:18

@dozer OP said that they texted each other on a regular basis (with or without drinking). I can text/message my mates 10 - 20 times in a day easily. Also, don't you find when you're drunk and talking to friends you often end up saying things like 'we should do this more often' or 'we really should catch up soon' more often? I do at least. He hasn't said anything openly sexual or flirty to his friend. I also understand PP's points - that it is often the case that people message their friends more when they're not around their partner. I like to give my DH my full attention when we spend time together. It sounds like OP's partner is very attentive when they spend time together as well.

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