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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL being unreasonable to expect me to go to her scan

39 replies

Lubyloo · 13/09/2007 22:01

or am I being oversensitive?

I have lost two pregnancies in 9 months. I miscarried in July and then found out a few weeks later that my SIL was pregnant and due exactly a week after I had been. That has been a little difficult to cope with but I have been fine.

Today she rang up and asked if I could go to her 12 week scan with her as her DH will be working away. She didn't ask if I would feel ok with it. Just said she couldn't go on her own so if I wasn't busy could I go. This has knocked me for six. I should be having my 12 week scan. I'm so shocked she has asked. I have been in tears most of the afternoon. I don't know why I have let it upset me so much.

OP posts:
j20baby · 13/09/2007 22:03

no yanbu, but do you think she might trying to be nice and involve you? if not, then she is being very insensitive!

tulip27 · 13/09/2007 22:03

What a terrible situation for you. Perhaps having not lost her own child she is not aware of your ongoing heart ache. I think you would be completly reasonable to decline the invite, perhaps the best for your sanity too.

notnowbernard · 13/09/2007 22:04

She is being hugely insensitive, IMO. So sorry for your losses.

maisym · 13/09/2007 22:04

Tell her you feel - it's too soon for you to be in a medical situation that deals with being preg. She must feel close to you to have asked you and so should understand your reasons.

cornsilk · 13/09/2007 22:05

I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. You are bound to be upset. I think that people who haven't m/c can't really understand just how it affects people, so perhaps that is why SIL asked you. Don't go if you're too upset.

RosaLuxembourg · 13/09/2007 22:05

How awful for you. She is being unbelievably thoughtless. Of course you shouldn't go with her - you need to remind her just exactly why you can't go with her.

MadLabOwner · 13/09/2007 22:06

Lubyloo - your SIL is being a thoughtless cow in my opinion. Dreadful behaviour. Is she usually this thoughtless?

katylui1 · 13/09/2007 22:06

No YANBU. I've been in a similar situation, and I always said yes, then ended up constantly babysitting. I felt like I was going mad, like this was the baby I should have had.

Of course I'm not saying that'll happen to you, but if it has had you in tears, you have to say no immediately. Theres no point in having a row over it, she's pg and probably doesn't realise how insensitive she's been, so just saying your reason why you can't go should get the message through fairly tactfully.
Good luck
X

notnowbernard · 13/09/2007 22:07

I have never m/c but can't even imagine for a second acting as your sil has done! Is she normally this self-absorbed?

tearinghairout · 13/09/2007 22:07

Agree with maisy. She can go alone or get someone else to go. Put yourself first and say no to her. Tough is she doesn't understand.xx

3andnomore · 13/09/2007 22:07

YANBU

Alambil · 13/09/2007 22:08

That is definitely tactless on her part.

Maybe just say that you are busy if you can't tell her the real reason (which is NOT oversensitive)

Why can't she go on her own?

tearinghairout · 13/09/2007 22:08

That should be 'tough IF she doesn't understand'

kindersurprise · 13/09/2007 22:09

How incredibly insenstive of her, no, you are not being at all unreasonable.

Tell her that you do not feel able to cope with the reminder of your m/c. If you cannot face telling her yourself, perhaps your DH or MIL could have a word with her.

Is she normally a bull-in-the-china-shop kind of person?

Original poster
Lubyloo · 13/09/2007 22:09

I don't feel I could support her properly if I went as I would be worried I might get upset. However, I don't want her to think I have an issue with her being pregnant (I'm very happy for her, just sad for me) so feel like I need to just grin and bear it.

OP posts:
mears · 13/09/2007 22:11

Why does anyone need another person with them for a scan? I always went on my own. I think she is being insensitive.

notnowbernard · 13/09/2007 22:11

Please put yourself and your needs first.

maisym · 13/09/2007 22:12

lubyloo - tell her this. She probably hasn't thought about how sad and difficult a m/c is. Ask her to call you or pop round afterwards but just that you can't be with her this time.

kindersurprise · 13/09/2007 22:13

But aren't your feelings just as important as your sils? tbh, she is rubbing salt into a very raw wound.

I was really worried about telling my friend that I was pregnant as she had been ttc for years and I did not want to upset her. She has shown no respect for your feelings at all.

KD73 · 13/09/2007 22:13

Lubyloo this is awful for you and I sympathise. I don't think you can fully understand without experiencing this type of loss.

My sister has been equally insensitive as I had been told that unexplained infertility after 3yrs of ttc, nevertheless I was invited to scans and to be birthing partner.

Remember its a very scary time for SIL, but I would try and avoid situation until you feel strong enough to deal.

Good luck

Alambil · 13/09/2007 22:13

I think you are being too hard on yourself - you can be happy for her whilst taking care of your mental health too

If you can't face telling her you are finding it difficult (which she should realise once been prompted!)... could you make up an excuse?

Remember the old addage from Pretty Woman - take care of you... (and I'll go on to add...) sod what she thinks - you can support her in other, not so in-your-face ways

Original poster
Lubyloo · 13/09/2007 22:18

I think it is more the shock at her asking me that has upset me. I think I am going to tell her that I can't go as it is too near the time that I should have been having my scan. I'll tell her that I can't wait to see the photos though and invite her to come round for a coffee when she gets back. Does that sound fair? I don't really trust my feelings at the moment.

OP posts:
Alambil · 13/09/2007 22:21

sounds perfect, Lubyloo - very generous. Personally, I'd find it totally reasonable for you to NOT want to see the photos etc but that is totally up to you of course.

Very good compromise (not that there should be one) - trust yourself a bit more; it is the right thing to do

Take care of yourself - so sorry to hear of your losses

Original poster
Lubyloo · 13/09/2007 22:33

Thanks Lewisfan

Thank you everyone for all your helpful replies. I think I just needed reassurance that I wasn't being unreasonable before talking to SIL.

OP posts:
tori32 · 13/09/2007 22:36

lubyloo YANBU infact with your offer you are being very reasonable. I think she has probably not realised the timings of her scan compared to the date you should be at, therefore being tactless. I think explaining how you feel is a good option.

Sorry for your losses and hope you come to terms with them in time.