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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Friend seems to have ignored me reaching out

35 replies

hellosunshine5 · 14/04/2020 22:26

Hi everyone,

I had a lifelong best friend (our Mum’s were childhood best friends so we grew up together) up until a couple of massive disagreements caused us to go NC about 4 years ago.

This was obviously a massive deal and I’ve missed her every day for about 3 years and 9 months, ever since the initial anger and frustration passed about 3 months in!

Our lives are still very much intertwined as our families are still involved with each other so I hear her life updates. Just before Christmas I heard that she was expecting her second child so I bit the bullet and decided to use that as my opportunity to break the ice...

I sent her a Christmas card containing a huge letter that I’d written telling her how I felt and hoped we could make another go of the friendship.

I obviously wasn’t expecting an instant reply, but naively or not I was definitely expecting a reply or even an acknowledgement of some description by now.

AIBU? Or was I wrong to expect a reply in the first place?!

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 14/04/2020 22:30

Are you sure she got it? Lots of stuff goes missing in the post. People move houses. Spouse may have removed the letter etc. Maybe she lost the baby. Lots of different things could have happened. Could you try and reach out to her on Facebook and say you are thinking of her?

foamrolling · 14/04/2020 22:31

Depends what the falling out was about I suppose! If you haven't done anything to hurt her and it's a disagreement on both your parts then YANBU to write to her but YABU to expect a reply. She clearly doesn't feel the same as you in wanting to reignite the friendship. It's very sad for you but at least you know now I guess.

PersonaNonGarter · 14/04/2020 22:33

It seems very BIG. And exhausting.

Difficult to know without more context but you may have overwhelmed her with card and letter.

wildcherries · 14/04/2020 22:35

I can understand that you are sad. But I don't think you can expect a reply after such a long time. I hope you feel better for having sent the letter, nothing wrong with that necessarily, and are able to move on.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 14/04/2020 22:36

Completely depends on the reason you fell out whether yabu or not.

wildcherries · 14/04/2020 22:37

But like PP, it's hard to say without details. I'd probably have been overwhelmed by the letter, honestly.

TitianaTitsling · 14/04/2020 22:37

What was the contract of the letter? If rehashing old ground she's buried, may not be welcomed, especially if it was reigniting the issue with a 'you were wrong but...'?

TitianaTitsling · 14/04/2020 22:38

Content not contract!

Summersun77 · 14/04/2020 22:39

It’s a real shame it’s ended up like this. What were the disagreements over? This makes a difference. Are you sure she definitely received the letter/card?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 14/04/2020 22:43

Hmm.... what was the falling out? And who went NC with who?

If someone dramatically went NC with me, then sent me a letter that was all about how they felt about it, I'd ignore that letter.

Voxx · 14/04/2020 22:44

I think you were wrong to expect a reply. 4 years is a long time. You’ve missed her but you should have to considered the possibility that she feels her life is better without you in it.

You made your position clear in the letter. I think her silence has made her position clear as well. She doesn’t want to rekindle the friendship. Accept it’s over and move on.

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 22:45

She mightn’t have the energy to go for round 2, tbh.

If the argument was that big isn’t it best to leave things alone?

Everyone here always says to just get rid of toxic friends and situations!

Original poster
hellosunshine5 · 14/04/2020 22:48

Thanks for your replies so far!

No I guess I don’t know that she definitely received it, and to be honest I thought she would have mentioned it to someone if she did and it would have got back to me somehow (I still speak to and see her Mum pretty regularly), but it was sent to the right address.

Completely get that the letter seems a bit much but I don’t think it was in the context of our friendship! For other friendships it wouldn’t be appropriate but we grew up together and were like sisters.

The disagreements were about each of our life choices really...I didn’t agree with a big one of hers and she didn’t agree with a big one of mine. We both thought each other’s choice was hurting other people. Sorry hope that’s enough detail - I’d be here all night explaining the whole thing!

OP posts:
ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 14/04/2020 22:50

Tbh, the fact that you expected a reply says a lot. She isn't just there to be put down and picked up again. She has her own life and her own feelings.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 14/04/2020 22:50

Who went NC with who?

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 22:51

But those don’t sound like things that are easy to come back from @hellosunshine5.

And cutting someone off for four years is a VERY strong message. And a very long time, tbh!

Summersun77 · 14/04/2020 22:52

If you’re not sure if she received it, might be worth asking her mum if she did? If she has and just isn’t interested in responding then maybe it’s time to accept this ship has sailed Flowers

Summersun77 · 14/04/2020 22:53

You weren’t unreasonable to send a letter in the first place by the way, or even to hope for a reply Smile

ChocolateQuiltedShitPig · 14/04/2020 22:55

I think you left it too long. 4 years is a massive amount of time and she has obviously grown out of the friendship

PumpkinP · 14/04/2020 22:59

Depends why you fell out tbh

Bookoffacts · 14/04/2020 23:16

Bite the bullet and see her in person.
She probably doesn't want to make the first move.
Either she was in the wrong so she'll not know what to do or say to make it better. She probably shed a few tears over the letter but is not sure of her next move.
Or
You were on the wrong and she doesn't know her next move. Also ditto tears.

You need to see her face to face. At her door.
Hard in coronavirus times I realise.
Maybe a phone call.
Or, better, wait until you can.

You only live once and it's worth it.

You'll either both start crying and it'll be mended or she'll be cold and upset. If it's the second I'd still apologise and say you care and think of her a lot. She'll come round.
At the least you can clear air and at best it will be mended in time.

In person is important. Phonecalls, texts and letters, when dealing with emotions, are usually ignored.

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 23:26

My god! You CANNOT show up at her door after a massive falling out and four years of silence.

That is so intrusive and designed to put her on the spot. Don’t do that!

LilacTree1 · 14/04/2020 23:28

If she’s got nothing to say, then an acknowledgment is pointless
Sorry.

Interestedwoman · 14/04/2020 23:31

I've only learnt very recently at 43- if you think people ought to act a certain way you'll often be disappointed, Everyone acts differently and she has chosen not to reply, even if you would've chosen otherwise in her shoes. You're 'allowed' to be hurt/surprised that she didn't reply, though.

Perhaps you could talk to her mum about how you feel and see what she says?

tiktok · 14/04/2020 23:33

Something similar happened to me. I was deeply hurt by something she did, and I just stopped contact (no actual row). After a while I reached out, asked her to call me so we could talk, and I was ignored. And then a few years later she reached out to me, and I ignored this time. I miss the close friendship I suppose, but I have other friends though none who go way back.

I'd just drop it, if I were you. She almost certainly got the letter, and has decided she does not want you in her life. You can't ask her again.