AIBU? Friend seems to have ignored me reaching out

[hellosunshine5]

Hi everyone,

I had a lifelong best friend (our Mum’s were childhood best friends so we grew up together) up until a couple of massive disagreements caused us to go NC about 4 years ago.

This was obviously a massive deal and I’ve missed her every day for about 3 years and 9 months, ever since the initial anger and frustration passed about 3 months in!

Our lives are still very much intertwined as our families are still involved with each other so I hear her life updates. Just before Christmas I heard that she was expecting her second child so I bit the bullet and decided to use that as my opportunity to break the ice...

I sent her a Christmas card containing a huge letter that I’d written telling her how I felt and hoped we could make another go of the friendship.

I obviously wasn’t expecting an instant reply, but naively or not I was definitely expecting a reply or even an acknowledgement of some description by now.

AIBU? Or was I wrong to expect a reply in the first place?!

Oh God don't show up. What a weird suggestion

I think it’s worth one more try. Sometimes people get a bit overwhelmed bty a long intense letter and they don’t know how to reply. What have you got to lose? Maybe low-key this time, just saying you’d love to be back in touch with her. Good luck xx

Dragging her mum into it is also weird, intrusive, and inappropriate.

@ohcaptain obviously I don’t mean dragging her into any sort of conflict. But if they have a close relationship (op indicates she is close to friends mum and vice versa), might be worth mentioning “I sent friend a card, has she mentioned that she’s received it?”. Obviously I may have misinterpreted the relationship dynamics.

Yes but it’s almost certain that her mum would mention it to her and it’ll turn into an issue.

I don’t think grown women need to bring their mothers into things. It could get sloppy which isn’t fair to anyone.

I could’ve written the same thing as you this time last year as my now ex best friend of nearly 20 years wanted to bury a hatchet following a feud from last January, but repeatedly ignored me when I reached out to her when she wanted to heal the rift in the first place (and on top of that incessantly used my now fiancé as her gofer instead of messaging me directly, which pissed me off no end especially as she was the one that wanted to sort things out).
I tried to talk things over when I last saw her in person - at a mutual friend’s birthday party last May, by which point I wanted this hatchet buried - and all she did was justify ignoring me and accuse me of putting a boyfriend before a friend, funny thing was she’s done this with her husband more than once and it was her that wanted to sort things out. I also unsuccessfully tried to call her out on incessantly using my other half as her messenger pigeon. We ended up getting separated by the party host’s parents because at this point it was getting heated. I appreciate the timing/placing wasn’t great in hindsight but I was literally left with no other option.
Two weeks after the party, after she decided to unfriend me following yet another broken promise to bury the hatchet (to compensate for her behaviour on the day), she unfriended me on Facebook and coincidentally I found out she told my fiancé at the party I asked her for £3000 when I didn’t, and she also tried it on with him repeatedly for months.
After the initial hurt and frustration sunk in it still hurts and I’ve considered rekindling ties on the grounds that we’ve both now got young children, our other halves are still ‘friends’ on Facebook and the party host’s mum now coincidentally wants more of a part of our lives now a child is on the scene, but the bottom line is it’s more hassle than it’s worth.

OP, YANBU to want ties rekindled and I have every sympathy for you but I think this ship has sailed.

I recently received an email after six years of NC with a good female friend of twenty years. I read it and thought sadly how I'd love to have received it six, five, four or even three years ago but its just too late. Any emotions or feelings I had towards her are gone. I still haven't replied. I might at some point but if I do, it will simply be a pretty dull, non personal response. Its too late. Any friendship we shared is long gone. I've mourned and grieved her over the past few years. I wish her well but I have no desire to be any part of her life anymore.

I don't think you have anything to lose by writing again OP. I would write saying sorry for your part in the fall-out and that you will always be there for her and then leave it at that.

Since you are pretty sure she got the letter (right address etc), I think you've got your answer. Unfortunately she doesn't want to resume the friendship.

Its good that you tried. For all you knew she could have felt the same way as you and it would have been a shame if you both wanted to get in contact but neither did.

It could just be with her second child, she is fully committed emotionally and physically being a mum.

Does she have a birthday coming up? What about you send her a card for that. If no response thereafter, then I think you know the answer.