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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Havent told my family about my baby

31 replies

Stargazer2404 · 14/04/2020 20:27

Had to NC for this. So last year i moved out of my mums home to move in with my partner. My mum does not approve of him.

My ex husband was the same religion etc, so she wanted me to stay with him for the sake of family honor bla bla. I am still married, but we are separated. I had no money to pay for a divorce then and have now filed for one - its on hold because of coronavirus

My partner, is of a different religion and therefore she practically disowned me once i had left. She gave me the option to choose between her, or him. I had to do what was right for me.

Anyways, for the whole of last year she wouldnt talk to me properly. Dead replies, told me how i dishonoured her and the family..i fell pregnant and didnt want to tell her because i truly felt like i was the only one trying to have a relationship with her, and i was fed up so i was planning to stop talking to her all together since she only had mean things to say..and its only in october she started comin around to accepting it.

She still tells me how she will never accept my partner but will forgive me. Tbh that is good enough for me because i miss my mum.
I lost my dad when i was young..then when my mum disowned me i felt like an orphan

So because she started talking to me again, i felt like i would get disowned AGAIN if she found out that im pregnant now and i couldnt bare to take the pain. Now dd is 12 weeks old, and my family doesnt even know. I feel so depressed.

Im married to a guy who i dont love, i have a kid (who nobody knows about) with another man, i also have a son from my marriage aswell...what the f have i done with my life

OP posts:

Needbettername · 14/04/2020 20:34

Poor you. This limbo of expecting how your Mum is going to react has to be making you feel worse.

Just tell her. She may surprise you. Or may not but then you can move on with you new little family and partner.

Furloughrefusedconfused · 14/04/2020 20:40

she will never accept my partner but will forgive me

Forgive you? For finding happiness with a man you love?
Has she not been spending any time with your DS? Is she likely to accept DD? And if she does, and they go on to have a relationship, is she likely to spend every visit badmouthing DD own father in front of her?
Tbh I’m not seeing what there is to miss. If you are feeling depressed then it may be that PND is magnifying how you feel about the situation with you mum.

Please call and speak to a GP. They are open and doing telephone consultations. Being cooped up in the house on lockdown, a newborn with a pandemic going on and the worry of your DM reaction to your news may be taking its toll.

Congratulations on your new daughter. Just remember I had to do what was right for me you did do what was right, your DM shouldn’t have asked you to choose, and now you have a beautiful new daughter, your DS and a loving partner.

PegasusReturns · 14/04/2020 20:40

Your mother sounds awful.

I understand the desire to try and appease an abusive parent - and she is abusive. Nothing you’ll do is ever going to be good enough for her.

TabbyMumz · 14/04/2020 20:42

How on earth doesnt your son tell his dad he has a baby sibling?

MamaGee09 · 14/04/2020 20:43

She’ll never accept your partner but will forgive you!

There is nothing to forgive!

Why would you even want her in your life? You are an adult, you can choose who you are with.i certainly wouldn’t want someone in my life who didn’t respect me or my other half. We are a team.

Do you need someone in your life who doesn’t respect your decisions and choices?

mathanxiety · 14/04/2020 20:56

You ask wtf have you done with your life?

This is panic speaking. It's also the part of you that wants a normal mother to share life's ups and downs with, someone to be happy for you. You won't get this from a woman who has offered to forgive you but will never accept your partner, and who values 'family honour' more than her relationship with her daughter.

You need to stay strong and resist the temptation to crawl back to your mother. I say 'crawl back' because this is how she will see it.

You could send a card with a birth announcement, and add the statement that you and your partner are a package deal and she can like it or lump it.

There is the risk that this will result in an end to your hopes. She may ramp up the pressure on you to accept her forgiveness and her rejection of your partner. She may react with anger or complete silence.

Try to stay strong. Your mother is a bully. Put the ball in her court and let the chips fall where they may.

Couchbettato · 14/04/2020 21:20

Why would you forgive someone who does not put your happiness above anything else? Your true happiness. Your love.

She's putting her pride above your happiness and your love.

Just because she is your mum does not mean that you must forgive her. If she can't accept you are in love, and that even though it isn't someone she would choose for herself it makes you happy enough to want to start a family then she doesn't deserve to speak to you.

So, it's up to you whether you tell her about your baby. But if it's a sour reaction she gives you then you should pay no mind to it because she has not been there for you, she has not supported you, she has not put your feelings above her own once in all of this and you do not owe her anything. Not even your negative emotions.

BumbleBeee69 · 14/04/2020 21:25

OP I wouldn't tell anyone in your family about this pregnancy.. can you be assured of your personal safety should this news be shared ?...

waytheleaveswork · 14/04/2020 21:27

"Im married to a guy who i dont love, i have a kid (who nobody knows about) with another man, i also have a son from my marriage aswell...what the f have i done with my life"

You ended a marriage that was making you miserable, despite huge pressure from your family, you have a wonderful son, a better partner, a beautiful baby. You have made difficult decisions to give yourself and your children the best version of you possible. You sound brave and thoughtful. If you were my daughter, I'd be proud.

Your mother's judgement of you does not represent who you are. You sound very strong and I hope you get through this.

ktp100 · 14/04/2020 21:34

It's your life, OP. If you live it trying to appease your Mum you'll be eternally miserable.

If you tell her about the baby, make it clear that you will never return to your EXH and that you refuse to put family 'honour' before your life and happiness.

This should be a wonderful time for you, OP. Don't let the ridiculous expectations of others ruin it for you.

Healthyandhappy · 14/04/2020 21:35

Do you live with your son. What religion are you? Just send a text about baby with pic of baby and dont say nothing til she sends a nice message

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2020 21:36

Congratulations on your baby. You have done the right thing and protected yourself. You can’t choose your family. But you can choose your partner. It sounds as if your family don’t deserve to be part of your lives right now.

timetest · 14/04/2020 21:38

Your mother has nothing to forgive.

Chista · 14/04/2020 21:39

The 'death before dishonour' code annoys the hell out of me. Sadly if she is one of those she may see your DD as u getting what you deserve. Dont listen to her, totally understand you miss her and want to have a relationship with her but dont do it at the expense of your lovely children

Staypositivepeople · 14/04/2020 21:47

Ffs
Forgive you ???
What ??
I think it’s more to the point ,do u want to forgive her .
Don’t have anyone in your life ,who does not think your children are wonderful

B1rdbra1n · 14/04/2020 21:48

kick the mutha to the kerb

LochJessMonster · 14/04/2020 21:49

Your son hasn’t told his father he has a new sibling?

Lexijayde44 · 14/04/2020 21:53

It's finding the line between your beliefs and your rights as a human being.

At the end of the day a mum should want her child to be happy. Also you are a grown women. I understand it feels like you bring shame upon the family. But really people should understand that relationships break down. Most people support someone leaving a bad situation etc like you have . I understand that's not so straight forward for the beliefs your family follows. But as a human being you still have feelings and emotions like we all do. I don't believe any religion that is positive should make anyone live a life in sadness.

You get one life and you must live it how you see fit. You should stand up for your daughter and show your mum who she is. Surely she will not resent a baby. She will either get over it or she won't. But if she doesn't then you need to carry on living for you and your little girl. You feel how you feel. I know this may sound harsh but I personally don't follow religion for this reason. It's supposed to bring love and comfort to people. But it often brings pressure and wasted years Trying to do the right thing for other people. But the right thing is doing what makes you happy. What makes you smile. Being with someone who you enjoy being with is what it's about. You shouldn't settle for less than that. Anyone who can't support you for trying to be happy is selfish.

I hope you can sort things out with her. But you have done nothing outrageous or shocking in my eyes. It's such a shame

Lynda07 · 14/04/2020 22:01

Congratulations on your baby. Is your son happy living with you and your partner? That could be an important issue in determining your mum's attitude.

Do tell your mother but wait until the c-virus crisis is over because at the moment she cannot visit if she wants to. Start off by writing and sending photographs. I think she will definitely want to be involved in your daughter's life. It would be sad for her and you if she won't but, as she has come round up to a point so far, it would be unkind to withhold the information from her. Equally, it would be unkind for her to reject you and her granddaughter. If that happens there's nothing you can do but you'll receive plenty of support on here for coping with it and moving on.

Good luck, I hope all works out eventually and congratulations on your baby.

Lynda07 · 14/04/2020 22:01

Sorry I said 'congrats' first and last para.

Darbs76 · 14/04/2020 22:12

When I got together with my ex his family threw him out. He was 21 and I was 24 with a 7yr old, and not the right religion for them. When I fell pregnant sigh DS2 his brother said the parents wanted to meet me. I was so nervous but we went for a meal. Fast forward 16yrs and although I’m not together with my ex anymore we are still good friends and I’m very close to his mum (his dad sadly died last year). She says to me I’m like a daughter. I’ve bitten my tongue a lot over the years. Especially when they insisted on calling DS2 by his middle name which reflects their culture. But ex DP would never raise it with them. I’m not a grudge holder so I let it go that they initially didn’t like me. Because they didn’t know me and once they did they’ve always liked me. For many years I was a secret in their community, we couldn’t visit. Then one day we were invited round when ex DP went overseas to work and since then we are welcome there. At his dad’s funeral they were happy to introduce me and say who I really was. At the beginning I was invited to his brothers wedding with the kids but I had to pretend to be someone else. I declined. It can be very difficult dealing with all of this, I’ve been very patient.

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 14/04/2020 22:23

what the f have i done with my life
Nothing very unusual!

Your mum is being completely inappropriate, and you have no obligation to live a life according to her values.

If the choices you've made don't align with your own values, this might be why you're attaching so much weight to your mum's disapproval. But it sounds like you're trying to find a way to balance your choices with someone else's values. That's not possible. You mention religion a few times. Is this religion something that you value? Or a condition of relationship with your mum? You don't need your mum's forgiveness. You haven't wronged her. If her religion requires you to call your life 'wrong' that is a problem for her to untangle. It can't be dropped at your door unless you accept it.

I'm so sorry you lost your dad. I can totally see that this makes you want your mum's approval even more. But she's placing you in turmoil as a condition of relationship. You do not need to adopt her values. It's not a condition of love. There is no peace found in adopting somebody else's values. Your life with either align with them and you'll be miserable, or it won't and they'll keep trying to pin you down and give you ultimatums.

You can tell your mum you have a baby with the man you love. How she responds will be her choice. You cannot control it, or deliver the information in a way that 'fixes' it. Please don't tie yourself in knots. You have this time with your newborn once. I hope your mum is kind, but if she's not, that is so far from your fault or responsibility.

SunshineCake · 14/04/2020 22:28

This is all wrong

She should be asking you for forgiveness!

You sound like you a scared of your mum and are scared of her while being stuck in childhood.

You've done nothing wrong. Take it from someone who knows, your mother does not deserve the joy of your children.

Congrats on your baby.

Now own your new life.

leckford · 14/04/2020 22:31

There is something extremely pathetic and primitive about the concept of ‘family honor’ We are not living in the Middle Ages

Apple1029 · 14/04/2020 22:33

Who made your mother God? She is toxic.. Who gave her the right to disown you for wanting to be happy?
You are going about it the wrong way. Do you want your dd to be treated badly? Your mother most certainly will do that. She despises your dp so she will despise your child. She needs to take her 'honor' and shove it. Pathetic excuse of a 'mother'. Dont hide your child away for someone else.

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