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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH over the fence?

39 replies

JeezMa · 13/04/2020 23:15

Housing association property.

For some reason when they did the fencing about 4 years ago they did the left hand side and back, but not the right hand side.

So left and back are concrete posts, bases and panels.

Right hand side were just wooden posts and panels.

They blew down winter 2018.

Both me and neighbour are on very low incomes.

We've battled since to get fencing approved but HA will not pay.

So here's the thing. DH said to her a while back about going halves.
Her son has SEN so she was trying to get a grant, but it's been dragging on over 12 months.

We are of different cultures and I think she just doesn't feel comfortable letting her kids play out in the back garden with no fencing.

It's just one big open space.

I try and keep my dogs in the front garden but they get out with the kids and go into hers all the time.

Now she just doesn't use it.

I have received some money from a budgeting loan. 0% finance really

I ordered fencing supplies (£370) with it so we can finally get it done.

I went and told neighbour.

I told her that I would cover the whole amount and I didn't want half

Simply because, even though its not my fault the fence blew down I feel like because my kids are out everyday and we have dogs she hasn't been able to use the garden and she has been SO good about it.

I check her garden every day for dog mess but I just can't stop them going in and I feel like we have have the benefit of the garden this whole time and she's never once complained

So the least we can do is cover the cost of the fence (DH and I are going to install it ourselves so it's not including labour)

DH isn't mad. But he thinks I should have told her we ordered it and asked her to pay half.

Like originally discussed.

But she was still holding out hope for this grant, its nearly summer. We're stuck on lockdown and I'd rather just pay and know her kids can play out and my dogs can't get in!

It's a lot of money to us and it would have been nice to only have to pay half but AIBU to say under the circumstances she's been really understanding and as a Thankyou we should just pay?

OP posts:
Original poster
JeezMa · 13/04/2020 23:17

I just want to point out my kids don't go in her garden. We don't use it. But it's hard to stop the dogs going over the boundary when to them it's just one big open space.

OP posts:
squee123 · 13/04/2020 23:21

you sound lovely and I think you're doing the right thing in the circumstances as your dogs are presumably causing her not to use the garden and that must be really tough in lockdown. I would hope that she offeres to make a contribution, but perhaps she just can't afford it.

I don't think it would be fair to just tell her you've ordered it and ask for half as your DH suggests. I think you would have needed her to agree upfront that now was the time to do it.

Cherrysoup · 13/04/2020 23:25

It is your responsibility to contain your dogs and yes, you’ve prevented her from using her garden. You are right to fence and pay for it and tbh, you should have done it as soon as possible. Actually, the HA should have done it, but as you have dogs, I think you should be responsible.

Original poster
JeezMa · 13/04/2020 23:28

I agree. I don't think she has the money.
We only have it because of the loan.

She used to be out all the time with the little ones so it wasn't much of an issue but since lockdown it's really been playing on my mind that she hasn't been using the garden.
She's a really lovely neighbour and I've tried to keep her garden tidy if stuff blows in from ours etc

I think DH was just disappointed that we wouldn't have a little of the cash spare for other things but like I said we've had the garden for months of use whilst she's been inside, her choice, but it's because we are out there everyday and I think she just wouldn't be comfortable with the dog getting out whilst her kids are outside. They are only tiny but it's not the point. It is totally understandable to not want other people's dogs around your kids however small.

OP posts:
Original poster
JeezMa · 13/04/2020 23:30

I didn't have the money Cherry.

I didn't even have the money for half.

I had the dogs long before the fence blew down.

And it was my neighbour who kept saying to wait for the fencing grant.
The HA came out maybe 8 times and said everytime there wasn't the funding.

I am on disability allowance and DH is my carer so we just couldn't afford hundreds on fencing at any point.

OP posts:
DobbinEweInn · 13/04/2020 23:32

You would have needed to give her time to save up for half and you'll now not have the worry of her not using the garden because you are. But it is kind to say you don't want a contribution

We ended up paying for fences both sides as both neighbours claimed they are our responsibility and the deeds weren't any help. I'd love to know what the truth actually is but not worth a dispute over.

RandomMess · 13/04/2020 23:32

I think you and your neighbours should still continue applying for a grant to cover the cost. Can CAB help you with anywhere else to apply for grants?

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/04/2020 23:33

YANBU about paying for the fence in full
However, I think you were a bit unreasonable to offer that to the neighbour without discussing it first with your DH. The money is both of yours, it obviously is a large sum and so if I were your DH I would be slightly upset because you went against the original agreement of asking the neighbour for half without first discussing it with me.

Wheresthebiffer2 · 13/04/2020 23:35

Put the fence up. You need to contain your dogs. (if the neighbour eventually gets some grant money, she might offer you some), but I say just do it because it is the decent thing to do.

Original poster
JeezMa · 13/04/2020 23:37

The grant people came out about 4 weeks ago and then sent a letter saying no and told her to reapply in April.

But I'd rather just use the budgeting loan as I know they will say no again and the guilt is driving me crazy.

Even if we stay inside she doesn't bring the kids out into the garden. I think it's incase the dogs get out?

I've told her if she wants to use it then we will stay in but she just says no it's OK :(

Her son has SEN and we have a swing set etc and she says she can't keep him from coming in our garden.

I told her I didn't mind at all! But she just says no Thankyou and stays in

Poor kids must be going out of their minds inside

OP posts:
Original poster
JeezMa · 13/04/2020 23:39

Plan the money is mine.

It's coming out of my benefit repayments.

We have seperate finances. I know that's not the done thing on MN but it's how we do things. So it's my money.

I knew as soon a si mentioned we were getting the fence done that she didn't have the money as she kept saying she had gotten quotes but is so expensive and she is trying to get a grant.

I just told her not to worry and I would sort it out.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 13/04/2020 23:41

That's lovely of you. Well done for being sorting it.

Enough4me · 13/04/2020 23:49

You sound lovely and I think having this fence will give you a sense of peace.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/04/2020 00:07

Fair enough the benefit money, or loan whichever it is is yours and yours alone. Separate finances is one thing but having an agreement on how to fund a household expense with your DH and then going against that agreement with no advance discussion could still be upsetting to your DH. And he is upset otherwise you would not be on here asking about who is BU, you or DH.

Original poster
JeezMa · 14/04/2020 00:14

I wouldn't say he is upset. He's not a stroppy child. He just said 'oh. I thought she was paying half?'

I explained I didn't think she had it, pointed out that we have had the benefit of the garden for months without her having the same and our dogs situation has taken the piss quite a lot and she's been relaly kind about it.

He said fair enough. When you put it that way! But was a bit disappointed as I think he'd already mentally spent it 😂

He wasn't arsed about me making a decision behind his back. We're not that kind of household.

OP posts:
BrummyMum1 · 14/04/2020 00:15

How lovely of you to offer to pay. You’re giving your neighbour one less thing to worry about at this difficult time.

PotterHarryWitch · 14/04/2020 00:24

The grant people probably said no to the fence as it is your housing associations responsibility. I do these for work and the ones I apply to would have rejected it straight away for this reason. They have limited funding and have lots of people applying. Housing associations are not classing fences as emergencies so would not look at fixing this until the situation improves. Was this not reported to them before or did it fall down recently?

PotterHarryWitch · 14/04/2020 00:28

Sorry, I have just seen you said you had been battling with them to get it fixed. I would be keeping all receipts and getting advice from CAB.

TeaForTara · 14/04/2020 01:01

You can afford dogs so you need to be able to afford a method of containing them. You are doing the right thing.

Zombiemum1946 · 14/04/2020 01:14

You're doing the right thing and it sounds like your neighbour is a pretty decent spud too. Kudos to you for getting this resolved as far as you can as soon as you can.

CSIblonde · 14/04/2020 01:26

That's very, very nice of you. But as its so expensive & Council aren't playing ball, I'd have probably gone for a cheaper measure. Chicken wire or that twiggy bamboo roll stuff or both together. Both are mega cheap online.

underthepatio · 14/04/2020 08:13

The grant people probably said no to the fence as it is your housing associations responsibility. I do these for work and the ones I apply to would have rejected it straight away for this reason. They have limited funding and have lots of people applying. Housing associations are not classing fences as emergencies so would not look at fixing this until the situation improves. Was this not reported to them before or did it fall down recently

The Housing Association are NOT responsible unless it says in the tenancy agreement that they will maintain and repair DIVIDING fences. Most tenancy agreements will only specify that that they are responsible for BOUNDARY fences ie they are between a garden and a public road or footpath.

Aloe6 · 14/04/2020 08:17

Yep, most boundaries between properties are the tenants responsibility.

Yanbu to pay. It’s kind and I don’t know why your DH would ask her for it when she can’t afford it.

Original poster
JeezMa · 14/04/2020 08:26

I had chicken wire up when just one of the panels blew down. The dogs just dug it up and pulled it down.

I just thought whilst I've actually got some money I should do it properly with concrete bases otherwise I could be in the same position next spring if winter is bad again if I go the cheap way.

I had my dogs before I became disabled. I wouldn't say I can easily afford them but they're family. I would never get rid of them. They just had to downgrade in food and make some real cutbacks in toys etc.

OP posts:
Backtothenewme · 14/04/2020 17:12

I would just pay it and view it as keeping your family and pets safe and in order. I wouldn't view it as a favour to your neighbour. It's an investment for you and yours. She may well offer something in good will which would be a bonus but I would not expect anything.