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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did I overreact with my 5 year old? How would you have handled this?

30 replies

Icantrememebrtheartist · 13/04/2020 16:25

Just walked in on my five and three year olds jumping on the back of the sofa with their shoes on. I was out of the room for about two minutes.

I went mad and shouted at both of them.

They had shoes on because they’d just come in from the garden, they’re not allowed shoes on in the house and I’ve told them off before for jumping on the sofa, this time they were jumping on the back.

I’ve gone absolutely mad at both of them. I shouted how dare they jump on the back of the sofa, how dare they do that with their shoes on.

My three year old cried and said sorry she won’t do it again.

My five year old just looked at me, smirked and whispered something to her sister. So I shouted at her again that they’re not allowed to jump on the back of the sofa, certainly not with shoes on, daddy goes to work to buy things in our house and don’t be so disrespectful to our home. Five year old basically looked through me. So I shouted all of the above at her again.

We were just about to go on our daily walk so I’ve now said we’re not going but I think it’s the worst thing I could’ve said because she probably needs to get out.

Any tips? I hate shouting and have never been a shouter but five year old looks through me and shrugs or smirks when I tell her off, time out doesn’t work, nothing seems to work :(

OP posts:

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 13/04/2020 16:31

You lost your temper it’s fine just try to avoid it. The bit that got me was ‘daddy goes out to work to buy us nice things’ I don’t know if that’s a good message to your kids

Wearywithteens · 13/04/2020 16:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

shinyredbus · 13/04/2020 16:33

You lost your temper. That’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tunnocks34 · 13/04/2020 16:36

Too much language in that telling off for her to process.

You would have been better saying ‘I am angry because you have your shoes on the sofa, go and get a cloth, we’re not going for a walk until you clean it’ - natural/logical consequences work better imo

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2020 16:40

Your children will not learn self-control if you can't model it for them. "Going mad" because a 5 and 3 year old jumped on the couch is a massive overreaction. It's fine to let them know you are upset and that this behaviour is unacceptable, but losing it won't help anything.

PoptartPoptart · 13/04/2020 16:42

Continued shouting probably wasn’t ideal but hey, we are only human and we are all living through very testing times.
Also, you say she smirked and looked through you. That tells me that the shouting is ineffective. Can you try to stay calm, tell her how disappointed you are and then divert your attention to her sister, engage her with some positive praise.
Children like to please, so if she sees her sister receiving your attention she is more likely to be compliant.

Tunnocks34 · 13/04/2020 16:42

Also don’t beat yourself up. I’m normally dead calm and try to stick to logical and natural consequences but I just went mad and bollocked both of mine in a booming voice because they have taken and been booting the expensive cushions in the garden. Christ knows why. But I just forgot myself and shouted rather than dealing with it clearly. It happens.

Flightsoffancy · 13/04/2020 16:46

Yeah, try not to do it, apologise - but don't beat yourself up for it. The looking through you/smirking seems really irritating but may be that she is shutting down because she is scared or upset by the shouting. It looks like smirking but could be a nervous reaction, like giggling. So try not to let that push your buttons as it mightn't be what it seems.

zeddybrek · 13/04/2020 16:48

Hi OP

Mine are 5 and 3. I understand how hard it is to model good behaviour all bloody day.

It's ok you lost your temper. The kids are at home all day and it's hard on everyone. You're human and allowed to have a range of emotions and sometimes one of those is getting angry and as a parent we are all expected to express anger calmly whereas inside we want to just scream.

Mine push my buttons all day. After biting my lip and calmly explaining why said action is wrong and what the right thing to do is for the hundredth time I too yell then immediately feel shit.

So in answer to your question , no you didn't over react.

Nothing2doooooo · 13/04/2020 16:49

Shouting for the first time - probably out of shock - isn't such a big deal but the continued shouting - probably in a bid to get through to your 5 year old - was a bit much and quite futile. Kids react differently. From what you've written your 5 year old would do better with a sit down calmly and reason talk rather than shouting. It goes in one ear and leaves through the other. It wouldn't matter if you carried on and would frankly only harm your 3 year old mentally/emotionally since she reacts the way she does.

Don't stress that you did but find a place to calm down, then take them out for a walk as you said. Later, sit them down and have a brief, appropriate talk (one or two sentences) about why you got upset and apologise for shouting. Hugs and kisses and all is well....hopefully.

Windyatthebeach · 13/04/2020 16:50

Beware you are declaring df buys the goodies and you are the rule enforcer /baddie...

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 13/04/2020 16:58

You lost your temper, it happens. Don't beat yourself up. Be breezy, make them clean the sofa and then go about your day.

I agree that "dad goes to work to buy things for the house" isn't really going to have much effect tho - to a five year old, a sofa is just a normal thing that is there, like a tree or the sky or cereal. They don't really have a grasp of "these are precious things that cost money".

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/04/2020 17:02

You did over-react but every parent does now and then. We are only human. Doesn’t make you a bad mother.
Your 5 yr old smirking and looking through you may be a defence mechanism so don’t take it personally.

I do worry about you saying “daddy goes to work to buy things in our house so don’t disrespect the house”. What about disrespecting you? The children ignoring your rules is disrespecting YOU. You can’t disrespect a house or things. I don’t know maybe it was just a mind freeze and you don’t actually think this way, but that statement made me feel odd.

Frozenfan2019 · 13/04/2020 17:50

^ this

EKGEMS · 13/04/2020 17:59

Aquamarine I sure wish we could all be as perfect as you are. Do you fart out rainbows and glittery unicorns as well?

Easilyanxious · 13/04/2020 18:09

Mine are older but I would of shouted at them at this age for jumping in my sofa . How times have changed

Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/04/2020 18:15

I don't think you were wrong for telling her off, and we all lose our cool sometimes. I don't think it was done in a productive way. It's unlikely to make her listen. I would work on "actions have consequences", there would have been a "punishment", an instant one, like a naughty step not a delayed one like not going for a walk later. You've also shot yourself in the foot by taking the walk away as getting out of the house would have probably been helpful for all of you. But don't beat yourself up, it's stressful at the moment as it is and I would have been fuming too

ambereeree · 13/04/2020 18:47

You went too far with the daddy goes out to work comment. Telling them off and getting them off the sofa would have been enough.
Kids are getting frustrated too. No point being too hard

slipperywhensparticus · 13/04/2020 18:54

My kids do the whole look through you and smirking shite I told my son to go to his room i didnt want to see him this was apparently the end of the world and he wailed and grizzled screaming all through me cleaning up the mess HE MADE this time I made him clean up his own mess he STILL wailed and screamed

I genuinely think I cannot win right now

JRUIN · 13/04/2020 19:06

You lost your temper, which is understandable considering your kids were doing something they know very well they are not allowed to do. Where you went wrong is needlessly repeating what you had already said after your DD smirking. Never mind her disrespecting the nice things your DH provides, she was blatantly disrespecting you at this point, which is a whole different matter and as you say time out doesn't work, I would have confiscated her favourite toy until she apologised for that.

Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar · 13/04/2020 19:37

Sometimes it's easy to loose it and I know I have a few times when my dd was little. But she has turned out okay! Have lots of comments how humble she is. They have to learn how to respect things.

Hope that helps op.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 13/04/2020 19:49

OP it's okay. You are human. Your 3yo is highly unlikely to remember this and your 5yo probably will but that might not be a bad thing.

You know what, I have a little test for myself which I call "the 30 year old test". I imagine my DD at 30 being able to watch back a scene like this, as on video. What would she think? Would she understand the stress and frustration you are experiencing? I guess anyone would. So I think it's okay.

I also think it is fine to say what you said. I have started to talk to my 5yo about how Mummy needs to work on my laptop because that is what gets us money to buy Easter eggs and activity books during lockdown. What you said is true so I think it is fine to say it.

12help34please56 · 13/04/2020 19:59

Don't beat yourself up OP - it's horrible when you feel like you've lost control of yourself (as in not behaved the same as you would do normally) but you'll feel guilty and they'll get over it much quicker.

My dd had a spell of being similar - it was so frustrating as she just didn't give two hoots about being in trouble or making me upset. I can only think that she grew out of it as she hasn't been as bad recently (now 6) so there is hope but in the meantime I would go for your normal mode of discipline but then once whatever issue has been resolved explain what in the behaviour was wrong and why - how it made you or someone else feel and maybe give an example relevant to her and ask how she might feel - so in this case, she had worked really hard and spent lots of time on making a beautiful painting and you stepped on it and left a dirty mark.

Good luck - tomorrow is a new day.

TankGirl97 · 13/04/2020 20:00

To be honest, I think it's fine! You overreacted and dished out a punishment you immediately regretted. It's par for the parenting course. They need to see you are human, have emotions, get angry and sad and upset. When you've all calmed down you can talk it over and explain why you acted that way, that you acknowledge it was probably over the top, you can apologize and hopefully they'll learn a lesson from it. Honestly it's moments like this that I feel have taught my kids the most (and taught me how to be better too). Don't beat yourself up.

TankGirl97 · 13/04/2020 20:07

Btw going mad because your kids jumped on the sofa with shoes on is not a massive overreaction! I absolutely shout at my kids for doing that and don't understand any poster who claims otherwise.

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