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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my BF to speak to ex?

30 replies

Nebble · 13/04/2020 15:16

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years, we don’t live together. In all that time he has stayed in contact, by phone and facetime, with his ex, they have absolutely no ties, if they did I’d have no problem with it whatsoever. I’ve asked him time and time again if he will stop all contact and he doesn’t see a problem with it . She’s nasty messaged me in the past gloating they are still in touch. He admits he is still in touch with her and says there’s nothing in it, they are friends and it shouldn’t worry me, he’s with me, I’m the love of his life he’s never gonna go back etc and I do believe that, however I feel out of respect for my feelings he should stop contact. I also feel the fact he’s doing this could give her the impression things are not great between us, it also makes me wonder what they talk about, he can’t talk about me and what he gets up to as it’s usually with me or his children because she hated them?. I’m not possessive in any way , I don’t tell him who he can or can’t speak to, I’m asking him, it’s just absolutely getting me down and consuming me even more now that we are self isolating and not together. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cocobean30 · 13/04/2020 15:18

She was nasty and footing to you and he still kept contact with her? He should have told her to wind her neck in and cut contact.You need to get rid of him he is clearly prioritising her over you

PotterHarryWitch · 13/04/2020 15:22

Agree with the above.

Janaih · 13/04/2020 15:24

Honestly I would ditch him. He's not showing you respect. He's probably getting a boner over you both fighting over him (in his mind).

Also if it's true she hated his children then why is he friends with her? He must be a dick.

Scarlettpixie · 13/04/2020 15:28

Does he know about the nasty messages? That really isn’t on. Other than that, so long as she was already an ex when you got together I wouldn’t mind about them keeping in touch.

Again, messages to you aside, I wouldn’t be happy of someone told me not to keep in touch with one of my exes. I am still in contact with a few ex boyfriends on facebook and for a long time remained good friends with an ex and his new parter, though we rarely see each other now (many years have passed). In the end I saw more of her than him.

Purpleartichoke · 13/04/2020 15:34

I am still in contact with my exH. We aren’t quite friends, but we chat from time to time. He and my current H are definitely not friends or remotely friendly. I tell my H every time I have contact with exH and he is always welcome to read texts or emails, which I remind him of, but he never chooses to do so.

If your BF isn’t being completely open with you or if you have any suspicions about their relationship, then you should end things. If he really is just talking to an old friend, then you should try to get used to it. We can’t tell
On a message board which scenario you are faced with.

Outtedagain · 13/04/2020 15:35

He has chosen her, walk away.

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 13/04/2020 15:37

Eh? Why is he friends with someone ex or not, who hates his kids?

DollyDaph10 · 13/04/2020 15:55

I wouldn’t be happy with this either, and totally empathise with your situation. I think you need to let him know again it upsets you, especially as she was unkind to you, and that you won’t tolerate being in a relationship with someone that allows other people to disrespect you. Tell him it’s strange and would he like you speaking to other men? Then say this is where I stand, so either we can move forwards and have a happy relationship, leaving the past and exes behind, or you are choosing to keep her in your life. And I won’t stand for it.
It’s causing you distress so I think you need to draw your line in the sand.

Original poster
Nebble · 13/04/2020 15:57

@Scarlettpixiechat yes he knows about the message she sent, and I’ve not told him not to talk to her, I’ve asked him, because it upsets me
@purple, He says she’s just a friend but why does he feel the need to talk to her, I just have it in my head that he is saying nice things to her and that’s what upsets me , I don’t feel the need to talk to any of my exes they’re an ex for a reason
Tho I’m in touch with my ex H because we have children and it’s only to discuss them, which isn’t very often as they’re older, his attitude when I mention him speaking to her is you talk to your ex and I don’t have a problem with it! Whenever I mention it he rolls his eyes as though here we go again and talks to me down, I know he last spoke to her very recently, I’m just fed up and I do feel like telling him I’m ready to walk away over it as petty as that seems :(

OP posts:
Miraclescometrue · 13/04/2020 16:01

How often are they in contact? If he’s texting all day while he’s with you then I can see why you wouldn’t like it. If it’s just the odd how are you message then not so bad.

Original poster
Nebble · 13/04/2020 16:04

@ItsAllTheDramaMick Absolutely no clue , it’s one of the reasons he ended up walking away from her!

@dolly i’ve actually asked him would he be ok with me chatting to an ex even though I never would and he said it wouldn’t bother him , yeah right, I agree , I think I need a conversation with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Nebble · 13/04/2020 16:06

@miracle To be honest I’m not sure, it might not even be every month , he says it’s when she has news to tell him, but it’s the fact that she is a constant in his life still and therefore tarring our relationship for me and I can’t seem to get past it 😔

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/04/2020 16:08

So why not just tell him to piss off, his utter lack of respect is a real turn off.

Wattagoose90 · 13/04/2020 16:19

If he was over her he'd have no issue ending contact.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2020 16:38

She’s nasty messaged me in the past gloating they are still in touch.

this should have ended any contact he had with her... he is not over her.. he is lying to you Flowers

Collaborate · 13/04/2020 16:42

I don’t tell him who he can or can’t speak to

Yeah, right. that's why you started this thread.

Iflyaway · 13/04/2020 16:46

She’s nasty messaged me in the past gloating they are still in touch.

She's toxic. The fact he's not pulled her up on this and is still in contact with her would tell me all I need to know. Says a lot about his integrity.

Sorry, as my sister would say, It's just not good enough.

DelurkingAJ · 13/04/2020 16:46

I would dump anyone who told me I couldn’t talk to my ex boyfriends. It would imply that they didn’t trust me.

Her being rude to you, however, is unpleasant and unnecessary and I would how him the messages (and block contact). If my ex were rude to DH I would stop contact.

LellyMcKelly · 13/04/2020 16:47

If it was only every now and again it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. What did she say in her nasty gloat message exactly?

Original poster
Nebble · 13/04/2020 16:49

@collaborate bit nasty don’t you think? I know the difference between telling somebody to do something and asking them, it’s not for me to tell him who he can’t speak to, I am asking him not to, to respect my feelings, I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 13/04/2020 16:51

Op you are not the love of his life. Not saying she is, but if you were he wouldn’t continue contact with her while knowing it hurts you. You need to walk a way.

Iflyaway · 13/04/2020 16:52

he says it’s when she has news to tell him

Right. So she can yank his chain whenever she wants and he indulges her? He probably likes the ego-stroke, 2 women in his life.

You sound like you deserve SO much better!

Listen to your gut and your intuition. A relationship should make you feel treasured. Be there for each other. If not, what's the point?

DrManhattan · 13/04/2020 16:54

I wouldn't be putting up with this. Bin him off

Original poster
Nebble · 13/04/2020 17:10

@DelurkingAJ like I’ve just said I haven’t told him he can’t I have asked him nicely if he would stop as it upsets me, if there were valid reasons why they had to stay in touch I wouldn’t have an issue, and I do trust him, but when I keep finding out he’s been chatting to her without him mentioning it , that’s when I have an issue

The nasty message came in that he’d been in touch with her when lying in bed FaceTimed her in the middle of the night she took pleasure in telling me that

OP posts:
Shahira78 · 13/04/2020 17:11

Ah, the whole 'you are the love of my life' line..... When you get to my age, you know this is balls.