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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To want to go to Scotland

76 replies

NeedSome1ToHelpMe · 13/04/2020 00:07

I live in England with my H and DD. I’m having some serious marital issues and being stuck in the same house with my H is horrendous.
I’ve basically caught him out having an affair, with the same woman I caught him having affair with 3 years ago! So now I’m not actually sure the affair ever ended.

I need out. I need space. I need away from him. But my family are all hundreds of miles away in Scotland. I have nowhere else to go.

Can I go to my family in Scotland during lockdown? Will the police stop me? AIBU to want to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSome1ToHelpMe · 13/04/2020 15:32

He is saying no! He won’t leave. He says he doesn’t want to. Says he’s never ever wanted to leave me. He says if he wanted to leave he’d have done it years ago!

I just don’t understand! Why carry on with the same woman all this time if he never wanted to leave? Has he stayed with me because he loves me? Or because he knows I’ll flee to Scotland and take DD with me?

OP posts:
Sonichu · 13/04/2020 15:53

"He is saying no! He won’t leave. He says he doesn’t want to. Says he’s never ever wanted to leave me. He says if he wanted to leave he’d have done it years ago!

I just don’t understand! Why carry on with the same woman all this time if he never wanted to leave? Has he stayed with me because he loves me? Or because he knows I’ll flee to Scotland and take DD with me?"

He's not leaving because he thinks he can have his cake and eat it.

yearinyearout · 13/04/2020 15:55

You can't stop him being with the OW if that's what he wants. Giving someone a second chance is one thing but surely you don't want to stay together now?

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 13/04/2020 16:34

Of course he doesn't want to leave. It's a different personality type that ends his marriage before moving on. Your DH isn't that type. He's a liar and a cheat who wants both you and the OW doing the pick me dance.
Call a lawyer. Get advice. Put in writing that you're asking him to leave because of his adultery. Speak to Women's Aid if you think you're at risk.
He isn't taking you seriously because you're not being serious about it. You're harbouring a fantasy of running away to Scotland with your DD whilst he pines at home and renounces the OW. That isn't going to happen.

Willow2017 · 13/04/2020 16:45

but travelling across the border is an absolute no no
What has the border got to do with it? I cross the border to go to work or do my shopping several times a week! Am i bringing back shed loads of virus each time?
I doubt op will be the downfall of Scotland if she stays with family.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 13/04/2020 20:12

They're both essential journeys Willow. Some people who left England to park up in their campervans in Scotland or to go to second homes have been sent back to their primary residence and fined. It's not comparable to your journeys at all.

Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 20:19

Of course be doesnt WANT to leave. Would a serial killer want to leave with his victim still alive? Nah. Does that mean he gets to stay? Of course not. 'Get the fuck out you hapless, cheating bastard'. If he wont go, the you go. But dont stay with this prick a second longer.

AnnofPeeves · 13/04/2020 20:23

And the OP escaping a horrible marriage isn't comparable to buggering off in a campervan or going to a second home.

randomsabreuse · 13/04/2020 20:28

We moved house, England to Scotland about 10 days ago. No problems although we had a letter from DH's new employer saying he was a keyworker and needed to relocate to start work. Not that any of me (alone in my very full car), DH with DC in his car or the fully signwritten removal lorry got stopped at any point.

Might have been more of an issue had we been going somewhere touristy/rural but suburban central Scotland not a problem.

I suspect leaving the motorway to look for a rural fuel station would have been ill advised though - we stopped at services as required, they only had toilets and a basic shop...

You can even move house with a removal co if reasonably necessary!

If you've somewhere sensible to stay when you've moved I can't see why not

Willow2017 · 13/04/2020 20:38

They're both essential journeys Willow but that doesnt alter the fact that I am crossing the Border several times a week and nobody has contracted Covid in my house nor my neighbourhood from me yet. I am doing nothing different to what op would be doing.

Some people who left England to park up in their campervans in Scotland or to go to second homes have been sent back to their primary residence and fined. It's not comparable to your journeys at all.

And this is nothing like Ops situation either.
People are allowed to leave if their relationship is abusive/intollerble.

StoneofDestiny · 13/04/2020 20:47

Prince Charles fled to Scotland after we were told not to travel. He didn't get stopped (he got an escort!). He took Covid 19 with him.

Zombiemum1946 · 13/04/2020 20:56

If this is the second time you've caught him with the same person, I'm sorry but it's time to take control and kick him out. It may be your worst nightmare but it's time to let go.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 13/04/2020 20:57

certainly sound like emotional abuse - 3 years Shock

Rail to Refuge scheme

Might give some guarantee of safe/allowed journey - you can always donate the cost of the travel back if you can.

Zombiemum1946 · 13/04/2020 21:09

Just leave. Make sure you have note of all financial ties. Block him from access to anything of yours, phones , emails, bank accounts etc. Empty any joint account, close down any credit line with your name attached to it, if you rent notify the owner as soon as possible that you've left. Universal credits will need to be told, be sure child benefit is paid to you alone. Don't tell him, just do it and leave. Contact a family lawyer.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 13/04/2020 22:47

Ann I didn't say it was. You can read my other posts for what I think about OP's situation.
FWIW my friends who live in a major Scottish city were stopped and sent home by the police because they didn't have paperwork to prove their journey was essential. And they were only crossing the city. My DB was also stopped travelling from one city to another to check on a vulnerable relative.
Suggesting OP just leaves without having a plan, without confirming her legal situation with a lawyer regarding her marriage and their house, and without getting support and advice about any paperwork she may need, is very irresponsible.

Winterlife · 15/04/2020 23:10

He is saying no! He won’t leave. He says he doesn’t want to. Says he’s never ever wanted to leave me. He says if he wanted to leave he’d have done it years ago!

I just don’t understand! Why carry on with the same woman all this time if he never wanted to leave? Has he stayed with me because he loves me? Or because he knows I’ll flee to Scotland and take DD with me?

Because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He gets the attention of the OW, but he doesn't have to deal with day to day drudgery with her. She isn't complaining that he didn't pick up his socks, or didn't walk the dog, or that your DD is ill/misbehaved/is having problems with friends, etc. She is "fun".

I suspect that if he went to live with OW, at some point, he would be unhappy with her. Real life would, eventually, interfere with their carefree interludes.

I would advise not to leave unless your home life is absolutely intolerable. Take this time to gather information for your divorce. I suspect your husband doesnt' believe you will leave him, that he calls all the shots.

If you don't need to gather information and can't bear to live with him, I would look into whether you can leave. Surely you are suffering emotional abuse, which is a danger to your mental health.

Scunnered77 · 15/04/2020 23:17

Yes, you should go.

A previous poster said that people in Scotland are being stopped from moving from one part of town to another. This is not happening at all. Many people ares still working and travelling by car and public transport and not being stopped by the police.

Get back to your family. Lockdown is difficult enough without being in your situation. Good luck OP.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 15/04/2020 23:28

Scunnered I'm in Scotland. The examples I gave are real. Don't be so irresponsible when you don't know what you're talking about.

Scunnered77 · 15/04/2020 23:47

I live in Scotland too, in a major city. I'm a keyworker and know that people being stopped by police is not a frequent occurrence due to having to travel extensively.

I'm not saying that you aren't being truthful but it is not the 'norm' to be stopped by police.

Aesopfable · 15/04/2020 23:49

But how can the police know that OP is genuine?

It is up to the police to prove she is not genuine, not the other way round.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 17/04/2020 00:23

I didn't say it was the norm. I just gave two examples I know of, from two different areas in Scotland. If there's even a possibility of it happening, OP needs to know what reasons or paperwork they'd accept before she sets off.

ReadingTeaLeaves · 17/04/2020 00:27

Latest guidelines given to police says that needing to go elsewhere to 'cool off' after an argument would be allowable. I think this would cover your circumstance, even if long travel required.
www.theguardian.com/world/2020/apr/16/driving-for-exercise-allowed-under-lockdown-rules-police-advised-coronavirus

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you feel able to do what you need to to feel safe.

Happyspud · 17/04/2020 00:29

OP go. You are being abused, emotionally and psychologically. You do fit the criteria to move to another household. And you don’t need anyone on mumsnet to give you permission in any case.

KathyBriggs360 · 17/04/2020 00:33

Scotland is a wonderful country, so much more welcoming and tolerant than England. I would leave in a heartbeat if I could because I hate it here and the Scottish people are just the polar opposite, so fun loving and carefree. You should totally go x

BeingLonely · 17/04/2020 00:35

Why don’t you ask your local police if it’s ok and see if they can give you a letter incase you are stopped? I would say go, take your Dd and go but be careful of what you may go home too in several weeks time