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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To want to go to Scotland

76 replies

NeedSome1ToHelpMe · 13/04/2020 00:07

I live in England with my H and DD. I’m having some serious marital issues and being stuck in the same house with my H is horrendous.
I’ve basically caught him out having an affair, with the same woman I caught him having affair with 3 years ago! So now I’m not actually sure the affair ever ended.

I need out. I need space. I need away from him. But my family are all hundreds of miles away in Scotland. I have nowhere else to go.

Can I go to my family in Scotland during lockdown? Will the police stop me? AIBU to want to go?

OP posts:
FlaskMaster · 13/04/2020 09:30

Op, be realistic. They've been together, in a manner of speaking, for at least 3 years. He's not going to give it up. It's a thrill. The deception and the attention will be setting off all sorts of reward responses in his brain (and penis). He loves it, selfish prick. And he doesn't care how it affects you. He's definitely not going to give it up all of a sudden after 3 years just because you've told him to, again! Just like he didn't give her up the first time. You need time to get used to the reality of how much of a horrible cheating prick he is. Getting space from him is a very good idea for your mental health.

museumum · 13/04/2020 09:33

Yes you are allowed to move out in these circumstances. What you can’t do is move back and forth so if you go you go and stay in the new place. No going back.
How old are your parents? Are they vulnerable? You’d want to be sure you’re not putting them at risk too though.

anicebag · 13/04/2020 09:35

Urgh. I clicked YABU by mistake. Go.

copycopypaste · 13/04/2020 09:39

If you're that worried why don't you ring 101 and ask the question, personally I think you'd be fine, you need to get out if the house due to your dh affair and need the help and support of your family.

Pinkdelight3 · 13/04/2020 09:44

Apart from the impulse to need to get out, what's your actual plan? Are you leaving him for good? Are you taking DD? Do you have a place to stay where you can realistically live for the time being? Not saying that you shouldn't go, but you can't really go for a little while just to clear your head and then come back at the moment so you need to think it through. Even though you don't want him to go to OW (and maybe he wouldn't depending on what her set-up is), it may still make sense to kick him out to stay with his family/friends so you can stay in the family home with DD (how old is she btw? because it could get tricky taking her all that way so she can't see her dad, regardless of his shitty behaviour).

Pippinsqueak · 13/04/2020 09:53

I get why you want to go but what if you go and he moves her in? Stay in your house kick him out

ChocolateDove · 13/04/2020 10:17

He will move her in when you leave, guaranteed. Do you really want them in your bed?

Kick him out. He's a knob and you deserve far better. She can have the trash that is your soon to be ex husband. He's been with her for 3 years now, even if he says he will cut contact he never will. I would stay at home, kick him out and change the locks. Bet he comes crawling back eventually after she kicks him out. She won't want him either, she likes the thrill of having a married man, but if after 3 years she hasn't been after an actual relationship she never will. Then he will end up bitter and alone and you can find a man that deserves you, makes you happy and is loyal.

DDiva · 13/04/2020 10:24

I think this would be acceptable along as your family are happy and able to have you. Although I would suggest it better fof your H to leave it would be much less disruptive DD and probably more practical in the long term.....

cologne4711 · 13/04/2020 10:25

I think it's ok too, OP. I think the lockdown will be eased from the early May bank holiday (that's eased, not removed) so you have to accept that if you go today you have to stay there for at least four weeks.

However, from a non-covid perspective, why should you go? I agree with pp's that you should kick him out. I don't see why you and your dd should have to uproot yourselves.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 13/04/2020 10:28

I think you would be able to go. Are you going to live with elderly relatives?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 13/04/2020 10:31

Also I don't think your husband is going to give up the other woman. He has been lying to you for a long time. You can't control his behaviour all you can do is control your own. Be 💪

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 13/04/2020 10:42

The fact is that if this isn't just a 'clear your head holiday' and is you actually leaving him with the plan of separating/divorcing then leaving the family home isn't usually the best move to make.
As a PP said, you need a plan not a knee-jerk reaction. If you're planning to officially separate/divorce then call a lawyer for advice. Most are still working in the current crisis. They may advice you to stay at home.
If you're not planning to relocate permanently to Scotland but are planning to split up, then I don't think going there atm is the best plan either financially, medically or emotionally.

AdoptAdaptImprove · 13/04/2020 10:45

I’m not clear on what you want to happen for the future, and I think you need to be before you take any action. I appreciate it’s hard to think at the moment when your flight or flight instinct has kicked in, but you need to, for the sake of your children.

You want to leave your marital home, but you don’t want your husband to go to the other woman. Do you still want to maintain your married relationship with him? If so, then leaving now and taking your children so far away probably isn’t going to help.

If you don’t want to be married to him any more, then surely you throw him out - he’s the one who’s transgressed here, so why does he get to keep your home while you uproot your children and ask them to start a new life so far away? Surely they deserve the stability of being in their home, and at their usual school, with you.

If you decide you don’t want your husband any more (and I certainly wouldn’t!) then you’ll have to accept you can’t dictate what he does after that. He’ll go to the OW as she’s his safe bet/backup plan. You can’t stop this because you won’t be in a relationship with him any more. But you will be in your own home, with your children, and free of a deceitful relationship with a lying asshole.

Try not rush into anything unless you don’t feel safe, so you don’t disadvantage yourself and your children.

Figgygal · 13/04/2020 10:48

Don’t leave your home
Put him out

I think you would be stopped over that sort of distance

tiredanddangerous · 13/04/2020 10:52

How old is your dd? If you move away you’ll be expected to bring her back regularly for contact with her father.

MissMarks · 13/04/2020 10:52

What age is your daughter? What is going to cause most disruption to her? Totally get why you want to go back to your family but you need to play the long game.
I would guess the other woman isn’t going anywhere. Put him out, hold on to your house and get a plan together.

SusanneLinder · 13/04/2020 11:00

There are many places in your own area that you can go for help, but travelling across the border is an absolute no no. We have less cases in Scotland per head of population, and we would like to keep it that way. I am not being unsympathetic to your situation, but travelling right now is putting so many people at risk. There is Lockdown for a reason. It is perfectly likely you will be stopped and fined and the police will turn you back and advise you to seek help in your own area.

Please seek help from your local Women's Aid or chuck him out.

Mummyshark2019 · 13/04/2020 13:22

Never leave your house. Kick him out and he can find elsewhere to live. Start working on the divorce. Like other people have said, he won't leave this woman. He has been with her for three years.

HugeAckmansWife · 13/04/2020 13:37

I drove half the length of England this weekend to deliver my kids to their dad. There were no police at the service stations and I only saw one police car on a slip road the whole 400 mile round trip. In this instance, marital breakdown, I doubt you'd be turned around but I do echo what pps have said that if you go, he'll likely move her in and then what? If you possibly can do it, I'd get him to go, but do be aware that if you're married you cannot legally change the locks on him or bar access unless there is a dv concern or incident.

EugenesAxe · 13/04/2020 13:47

I haven’t flouted the rules but I get it a bit “Fuck you” about them in situations like this, and if I was of a mind to go like you, then I would. Reading a quote by Priti Patel in an Independent article about domestic abuse:

Ms Patel added: “Whilst our advice is to stay at home, anyone who is at risk of, or experiencing, domestic abuse, is still able to leave and seek refuge. Refuges remain open, and the police will provide support to all individuals who are being abused – whether physically, emotionally, or otherwise.

Calling Women’s Aid would be an idea though, or even the non-urgent police number - get an answer straight from the horse’s mouth?

Out of interest, why are you wanting him to never see OW again? Do you think your marriage could recover? If not I’d try to let it go. You can’t restrict him forever if you plan to divorce and if he wants to be with her, he will eventually.

Sonichu · 13/04/2020 13:58

"I don’t want him to go to the OW. I don’t want him to see her. I don’t want him to speak to her. I don’t want him to contact her ever again"

And if you're hundreds of miles away what do you think he's going to do?

Incrediblytired · 13/04/2020 14:27

I think you could probably get away with it. If you get stopped you can say “my husband had an affair, our marriage is over and I can’t stay at the house” I need to stay with family. But I don’t think you should say “fleeing domestic abuse” as that phrase should be reserved for those situations. Maybe white lies that he threw you out etc.

You need to think about what you want though. Are you leaving forever? He will likely go to her once he has space. If you just want a break could he go to his family? It’s probably really hard to know what you want right now.

Scarlettpixie · 13/04/2020 15:11

I don’t think You should but I don’t blame you for wanting to,

Wanting to leave someone because you find put they are having an affair does not have the same urgency as fleeing domestic violence (which is of course allowed).

Potterspotter · 13/04/2020 15:14

If you can stay with family who are not in a vulnerable group or in daily contact with vulnerable I’d go. It sounds like you need a new life @NeedSome1ToHelpMe

Scarlettpixie · 13/04/2020 15:18

Also kicking someone out isn’t always as easy as people make out. What if he says no.

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