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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is bloody ignorant!

48 replies

IntoTheUnknown89 · 12/04/2020 23:48

I swear I actually give up hoping to have a decent or actually even any kind of real conversation with DH!

The kids are in bed, all the housework is done etc, nothing left to do but relax - we'll as much as you can at the moment! I look forward or used to look forward to sitting down and talking to DH but he couldn't be less interested!!

I have tried small talk, long talk, talking about his interests and mine, talking about what we are watching - you name it, I've tried it. The most hurtful thing of all is that he can hold a conversation with other adults! What is going on here???

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 12/04/2020 23:48

Pick a different time of day?

Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 13/04/2020 00:01

@PersonaNonGarter - I've tried that too!

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 13/04/2020 00:06

Ask him why he can’t be bothered to have a chat with you anymore?

Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 13/04/2020 00:10

@LouiseTrees I'm not sure he's ever been much of a talker when it comes to me but I've always thought there'd be a way to make it better but I'm running out of ideas! I have spoken to him about it and he either says "I haven't got much to say" or "we do talk"

OP posts:
Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 13/04/2020 00:11

It kind of just ends up being me talking at him!

OP posts:
Verily1 · 13/04/2020 00:13

I could have written this!!

DP isn’t a talker.

But then if he’s with his friends/ family he will chat and laugh away.

I can help but feel rejected.

I don’t want to project on my own relationship issues into you op but for me it’s part of a mosaic of behaviours and interactions/ lack of that make me feel unloved.

notawittyname1954 · 13/04/2020 00:19

This is exactly my relationship and it has always upset me. I get the"but we do talk" like it''s rationed. He will chat for hours with others but I barely get a yes or no. Every day I think I won't speak and see what happens but forget. When he was at work he used to say he was tired of talking after talking all day at work. Also if I say something more than once he gets angry because we are going over it again. Some days it bothers me more than others. I have learned to just talk to others.

Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 13/04/2020 00:19

@Verily1 It makes you feel like there's something wrong with you doesn't it? If he was quiet with everyone, I'd think "OK that's just him he's quiet" but I've seen him have some fairly animated conversations with people and I'm left thinking "what the ??"

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 13/04/2020 00:22

He’s not interested in your conversation, I’m afraid. Lockdown’s not helping. I’d give up and read a book, TBH.

That cliche of married couples sitting at restaurant tables in silence on Valentine’s Day and their wedding anniversaries, didn’t come out of nowhere.

Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 13/04/2020 00:23

@notawittyname1954 The people that are supposed to be my two main supports are my DH and my Mum and they are both quite narcissistic. I try and talk to my mum about how DH is and she'll say "Oh just ignore him". I don't want to ignore him I want to sit and talk! I could cry when I hear others talking about their partners and how they could talk for hours or you hear song lyrics where people say they talk for hours and I think "Why doesn't he want to talk to me??" I have so much to say.

OP posts:
Stillfunny · 13/04/2020 00:25

Same ! Never a word to me but OK with others. One of the many reasons he is out of here as soon as I can.
It is so humiliating too , isn't it ? Made to feel needy.If I am going to live with silence and no companionship, I might as well live without all the other crap he brings!!Grin

Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 13/04/2020 00:25

@HeddaGarbled I am trying to come to terms that this is the way its going to be but it's hard letting go of wanting it. It's really put a dampener on my sex drive because I feel quite used. It's like "A conversation with you? Nah! Oh but you'll still me right?"

OP posts:
Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 13/04/2020 00:27

@Stillfunny I don't think I've ever felt as needy as I do now! I sometimes just txt people randomly because I am just dying to say something! Which is really sad I think.

OP posts:
notawittyname1954 · 13/04/2020 00:32

@IntoTheUnknown89
My husband is supportive in other ways although often with a roll of the eyes. He even walks out of the room while I am still talking to him. It is upsetting. When there was an old person on oxygen on the news I was crying because it remind me of when my mum died and I said that to him and he just went yep. When I write it down it sounds awful. I'm here and will listen to you but that's not the same as a husband who won't communicate. Unfortunately it's his character and I don't think he'll change if my husband is anything to go by. I am sure my husband would list my faults too to be fair.

Original poster
IntoTheUnknown89 · 13/04/2020 00:37

@notawittyname1954 Yep mine does the whole walking out of a room whilst I'm still talking to him too. Everyone has faults but somethings are just plain rude. My husband will actively let himself fall asleep whilst I'm talking to him and that's precisely what he's doing as I type. I'm sure he does it on purpose.

OP posts:
HavenDilemma · 13/04/2020 01:08

Sorry to be negative but it sounds like the passion has gone? Once that has gone, you've nothing left, usually Sad

swishswashswoosh · 13/04/2020 04:55

My husband will actively let himself fall asleep whilst I'm talking to him and that's precisely what he's doing as I type. I'm sure he does it on purpose.

Your post was at 12.37am. Unless you are a few hours west of the uk it is pretty normal to fall asleep spontaneously Hmm

I say this with a touch of devils advocacy, but do you have a habit of going round in circles during conversations? Or nagging without realising? Maybe your DH has come to expect this so shuts down conversations automatically because he doesn't want to be lectured or have the same conversation for the 8th time? I have a very good friend who is lovely in so many ways but if I see her number pop up on the screen I know I can only answer if I have best part of an hour to give her as she finds it very hard to conclude her thoughts. I don't mind when it is a couple of times a week max but if I lived with her I would have had to find a way to shut the conversation down even if I didn't realise I was doing it. Maybe your DH has found a way that he thinks isn't hurting your feelings, but clearly it is so you need to find a concise way to let him know without it descending into any sort of blame.

loserssaywhat · 13/04/2020 06:43

You see I kinda get where he's coming from. I'm an introvert and I find being social with other people quite draining, I can chat away and be really social when I need to but when I'm home I'm fairly quiet. I'm a lot more content being on my own, I'm very comfortable sitting in silence and being with my own thoughts.

I'm just wondering if perhaps that is your dh?

My dh and I are both introverts and can quite happily sit in silence, just enjoying each others company. We do chat and communicate but it's not all the time.
Maybe he's just so comfortable with you he doesn't feel the need to natter about things.

Just another perspective.

FortunesFave · 13/04/2020 07:07

My DH talks ALL THE TIME to me and it does my head in. I want to be silent.

I do make an effort but a lot of what he wants to talk about hinges on his experiences and his opinions.

Could it be that with you OP?

MojoMoon · 13/04/2020 08:48

What benefits do you get from being in this relationship?

You could live alone and have the same amount of conversation but minus needing to manage anyone else's mood and/or do their household labours and/or have sex with someone who doesn't respect you.

Or you could be creative....start a commune of like minded women and live with them

If you were single, it also raises the possibility of meeting someone who would enjoy talking to you.

lmcneil003 · 13/04/2020 09:00

Sound like he doesnt like to really to you, or even like you. Accept it and move on. Find others to chat to

hesgotit · 13/04/2020 09:05

I can understand that's really upsetting and frustrating!

ferntwist · 13/04/2020 09:24

My heart goes out to you OP. Conversation is essential to a happy relationship for most women. A lot of the comments above eg from @loserssaywhat just don’t seem to be the answer as your DH laughs and chats happily with others.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 13/04/2020 09:31

@FortunesFave
My DH talks ALL THE TIME to me and it does my head in. I want to be silent

I feel your pain. Sometimes I just want to sit. Or wander round the garden in silence. It's like carrying my own radio station around with me. Non stop chatter. Hmm

TwilightPeace · 13/04/2020 09:31

These marriages sound so sad. What is the point? Your husband, the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, doesn’t want to communicate with you.

Will it get any better? Or is this what you have to look forward to? Decades of feeling agonisingly lonely and unheard?

Where is the care and love?