To think my DH is bloody ignorant!

[IntoTheUnknown89]

I swear I actually give up hoping to have a decent or actually even any kind of real conversation with DH!

The kids are in bed, all the housework is done etc, nothing left to do but relax - we'll as much as you can at the moment! I look forward or used to look forward to sitting down and talking to DH but he couldn't be less interested!!

I have tried small talk, long talk, talking about his interests and mine, talking about what we are watching - you name it, I've tried it. The most hurtful thing of all is that he can hold a conversation with other adults! What is going on here???

🤷‍♀️ I'm not much of a talker. I get bored making idle chit chat. If dp wanted to sit and chat all night I think I would leave him.

Did you used to talk in the beginning of your relationship op? Has it just fizzled out?

I was giving another perspective. I laugh and chat happily with others but I find it draining and an effort. You wouldn't know it though because I'm good at disguising my natural inclination to be a quiet person when I have to socialise.

When I'm at home I'm comfortable and can happily be my quite, introverted self.
I wasn't saying it was the answer to the OPs problem just offering an alternative to 'your marriage is over coz your hubby doesn't chat to you'.

I bet these men don’t walk away from a work colleague when they are talking.

Love the use of the word nagging in one of the posts. Must not nag women. Why is this word never used with men?

I'm with Twilight - sounds really sad- If you can't see how you got into this relationship - maybe have some time to reflect on how/why you got together and first lived together what has changed ....?
has he always been like this, did you think it would get better? did lust overcome the character incompatability? did you want to settle down and get married/have kids and he happened to be the person you were going out with at the time?

maybe take the time for some reflection - it maybe that the relationship has run it's course, it maybe you're both just incompatable and life covered it up..... ..you say your mum is also self absorbed maybe you shoudl look at some counselling for yourself- there is plenty of stuff online....or find a counsellor that works by phone...use your relax time to focus on yourself a bit -

then you can decide what to do next.... I couldn't have my main relationship with someone that cant be bothered to talk to me - but you maybe able to if you can see why/how you got this position and can rekindle what you had..... maybe you could both move on and find people more compatible ..... either way spending some time focusing on yourself will help...

I always find me and my wife kind of fall into a conversation. Sometimes we want to talk other times we don’t have much to say.
We always find that playing backgammon is a good way to bond without having to actually force a conversation - could you guys do something like that maybe

Ive had to have a chat with DH about this because he tends to the silent/introverted, but I have noticed that since lockdown he is much less social in the evenings. I am still working full time so am out, he is dealing with the DCs all day and trying to study. He is finding it hard not to have his usual downtime from both the kids and myself - and I can understand this because I end up staying up late just to have a bit of unpressured chill time too, even though I probably have more of this sort of solitary calm at the moment such as my cycle to work.

Its not that DP doesnt want to do it, or that hes not coping, it just all feels like toddler relentlessness again but with no naptimes. It was quite hard to say to each other that we need time apart even with all the current stresses, but we have had a bit of a chat about building in time to destress on our own, so we can enjoy the time we do get together and not feel resentful or exhausted by each others habits and constant presence.

@IntoTheUnknown89
How are you doing today. I did laugh at some of the other posters because their husbands talk too much. Perhaps men just can't win :)
Things always seem worse at night. My husband is definitely more of a doer when he's home than a talker but I think this whole lockdown has exacerbated the situation. And to those who say do I nag or follow him around talking to him. No I don't, Sometimes I just want a conversation but it seems to have a time limit.

I think if you have a good marriage you don't need to talk all the time. Social talking and a conversation with your so can be very different. You are comfortable with each other. Do you really need to have a proper chat every day? We don't unless something happens to talk about it. Or we watch something and talk about it etc. Forcing a conversation can be draining and unless it's something you want to talk about then it's boring. Unless it's a thought you just had and you tell them and it's something you can discuss then apart from that's nice etc what are you expecting from them?

We don't chat all the time unless as listed above. Both of us can't cope with constant chatter so maybe it just works for us. Science is golden in our book

@swishswashswoosh LOL obviously if understand if he was just randomly falling asleep during the late hours of the day but he does it earlier in the evening too, literally not making any effort to stay awake, I can be mid sentence and he will actively put his head back and close his eyes!! I'm not much of a nagger, I know it's annoying to be nagged at so I don't do it. I also try and find something new to talk about so I'm not being repetetive either.

@loserssaywhat If both of you like that then it works. You say you chat some of the time, my DH never says any more than a few sentences at a time to me. Ever.

@FortunesFave Can we switch husbands??

@MojoMoon Honestly? I used to be stuck on the whole "but I love him" record. Other than my kids get to have a "normal" family set up and I wouldn't be physically alone, I'm really struggling to see the positives of being in my relationship.

@12stepCAKE I don't need to talk all of the time but some of the time would be nice.

@notawittyname1954 I think the whole control element of it can get you down too, it's like someone saying "OK we will talk but on my time, it starts and ends when I say". He's sat here with our son now and he's literally yabbering away at him! So he obviously enjoys being sociable!

@Chipperfish I've made sure that I've given him the opportunity to get a bit of head space, even if it's only just in our bedroom doing his own thing. I realise that he needs alone time and I've always been totally coop with that. When we weren't in lock down, I frequently took the kids to stay at my mums for the night so he could do his own thing. The funny thing is, during those times he'd randomly send me texts saying "The house is so quiet without you here, I miss you"

@Warsawa31 I have suggested playing stuff with DH and he always nods and agrees but it never happens.

I would tend to agree with @loserssaywhat

Maybe he feels comfortable enough around you to sit in a relaxed quiet. I can easily do this. But when I am with others the quiet doesn't feel relaxed so I can chat for hours about allsorts of things.

@averythinline You brought up some really interesting questions there. I've thought about these things myself over the years. I think that when we first got together, I fell in love with him. Did he fall in love with me? I'm not sure. He's always fancied me for sure but real love? I don't know. I think that he thought he was getting to the age where he thought he should be settling down and I just happened to be the person that he was with. I always used to think that opposites attract but I think you can be too different. I don't mean this in a big headed way but I always hoped that my kind and light hearted nature would bring the best out in him and for a while it seemed to but then after a time he just wanted all the perks without any of the effort.

@Beansandcoffee See this is what gets me, in so many other social circumstances this would not be deemed OK. I can't imagine someone coming up and talking to me in a shop and then midway through their chat me just walking off!

@sweeneytoddsrazor No I do get that and that's OK for most of the time but never having a real conversation? Surely that's not normal?

@Intotheunknown. I guess never having a real conversation isn't normal no.
We probably have more normal conversations if we happen to be away anywhere because we are then more relaxed whereas at home the sitting down relaxing tends to come when work, chores, hobbies or whatever is finished and by then I just want to switch off.

What's your normal life like?
Are you working?
Do you have strong friendships/regular activities that you normally do?

Hard to do right now but I would prioritise building strong relationships with friends, new and old, building your career and earnings, and developing a social network through activities/volunteering/work/whatever

You can have strong, meaningful relationships with friends which might help you offset the lack of support and respect you have from your husband IF having your children in a married home is that important to you

It will mean carving out time for yourself to do your own thing- he will need to take care of the children, do dinner, bed time etc and do a share of laundry.

Do you have a spare bedroom you could move into if he gets worse? Have your space and make it clear that sex isn't happening without a proper relationship?

And having those strong relationships, career growth and activities might help you then decide if this marriage is worth spending the next twenty, thirty, forty years in.

Divorce does not have to be the worst thing that ever happens to a child.

Your needs are also important.

@MojoMoon I don't really have many friends. This place we have all found ourselves in at the moment a has made me realise that I should have though. I have realised that I've poured myself into making my family work and keeping everyone happy. I haven't worked for the last few years and I've been a stay at home mum but I think when things go back to "normal" fingers crossed I will go back into work.

Yes, go back to work when you can.

Carve out time for yourself to make and develop friendships - not just for child play dates etc but with people you yourself are interested in.

You may find he becomes more engaged with you when you are working, busy with friends, activities etc independent of him. Bit sad but he may have lost respect for you while you were a stay at home mum - seeing you as an independent adult woman with a career, interests and relationships outside the home could reignite his interest in you.

Or if it doesn't, then you will be in a much better place to tell him to sod off and find someone he is interested in talking to !

He just can’t be bothered to make conversation with you. Yet couldn’t do that with colleagues as they would tell him he is rude. I think you are right about looking for a job when this is finished. Or even now? Supermarkets are still recruiting. You could work a few hours a week? I think he is taking you for granted and basically he can’t be arsed, but it is rude.

My mum sounds like you intotheunkown89, she is kind and chatty and probably hoped her nature would improve my dad. It never did though, over the years their socially circle has gradually dwindled and their stuck with one another, her still making the best of things but my dad just doesn’t interact in a normal way - I think it’s a form of control? He was the same with his mum too. If you met him in the street you’d never believe it! I’d get out whilst you’re young enough to start over, as an adult I don’t visit them as much as I should as I just can’t bare it.

@Beansandcoffee. I have to stay here for now as I'm in the vulnerable group .

@BusterTheBulldog My Dad isn't great at initiating conversations but he'll talk quite a bit once the flow gets going. I've just sat and listened to DH playing the XBox with his brother, they literally talked the whole time and they were playing for about two hours. Now he's finished I get a polite tap on the leg and he's go off upstairs to do something else!

@IntoTheUnknown89

I totally get what you are saying. I am more fortunate in that I have some good friendships. What you want is companionship. Its not about a constant conversation it is about a connection and understanding. I find it quite insulting that people think we are following them round nagging and jabbering at them. I have come to accept that our needs are different mostly but sometimes I do get frustrated. I even try to talk to him about things he is interested in and that doesn't work. I understand quiet relaxation together but as you say it is the element of we'll talk when I want.

I advise once you can, get some hobbies, or a job and make some more friends. I have found some really interesting groups on facebook.

I really hope you find a way to make the situation work and that your needs are fulfilled.