Scared I’m a rubbish mum already

[CandleFlames]

I had my DS three days ago by csection and he was on antibiotics so we were in the hospital until today. He’s withdrawing from some medication I was on during the pregnancy so is a little bit shaky but otherwise okay and was okay to go home. The first couple of days were easy he was very quiet and feeding every three hours. I decided to formula feed as he wouldn’t latch. But since last night it’s been hard, he won’t stop crying or cluster feeding and I just sat there crying in the hospital last night which made things harder being all alone. We’re home now and I feel I can’t do anything right, even putting on his baby grows I find difficult and I find it hard to wind him. He’s my first and all my antenatal classes got cancelled and obviously my family can’t be around for support. I just feel like a bad mum I’ve been crying all day long, he won’t go in his crib he won’t stop feeding he just won’t settle unless it’s on me after his feed: just need a hand hold and to be told it’s okay

Bless you, don't be hard on yourself it's bloody difficult, especially in these times. I was exactly the same as you, cried for 2 weeks straight as it was so overwhelming. My little one is 5 months now and I promise it does get easier. 1st night I bought him home he wouldn't sleep in his Moses basket at all 😩 please be kinder to yourself, like I said it does get easier 💐

I feel for you. If you need any support I’m a first time mum of a now five month old, and I felt the same. They just cry and don’t sleep or sleep too much and you worry you can’t wake them when they are so so young. I used formula too but also bought a double breast pump to express so that she’s combi fed. If you ever need an ear just PM me on the inbox.

Congratulations on your baby boy! You've done amazing going through birth at a time like this ❤️

You can do this - your worry shows you care. Antenatal classes aren't all they're cracked up to be so don't worry about that. Trust your instincts. 3 days post partum is a crazy time - I cried constantly day 2 to 6 for the most ridiculous reasons! Your baby sounds like a typical newborn and you are both learning about the world with each other. It will get easier.

It will be ok, you will get through this part 💐 you can do this! You are not a rubbish mum xx

It’s all ok, you’re doing just fine. Cluster feeding is perfectly normal at this stage (it’s hard for us but it’s what they need for a lovely growth spurt!). I found baby grows incredibly hard because when they are newborn you want to be so gentle with them and it can be a real struggle with the arms and legs! Try to make it as easy as you can for yourself by using ones which do you simply at the front rather than ones you need to put over the head or do up the back! You will get better at winding, it just takes a while to find out what works for your baby. It’s so hard at this stage after a c section - do you have a partner who can help you? My baby is a few months old now and I was thinking about the differences from the early days, I’ve gone from taking absolutely ages to get her dressed and carrying her like she was made of glass to feeling natural with everything - it’s because I’ve got practice and she doesn’t feel so delicate!

What you are feeling is normal. You are just a few days post major surgery and you have a newborn who is trying to make sense of being born. There is a huge rush of hormones which hit too - about day 3 or 4 post partum - where you just cry and feel overwhelmed. You are doing a great job. FF if you want to. Bf is tough - getting through those first few cluster feeds is hard. You can do it, but only do it if you want to. I bf dd2 for 6 months and never found it easy or particularly liked it. I forced myself to feed her because I thought I'd failed dd1 when I was diagnosed with lactation failure and ended up ff. However, I have two healthy, intelligent and well bonded dds - you would never be able to tell which one was bf and which was mostly ff. Build yourself a nest, stay in your nest and recover. Get your other half to bring you everything you need. Get him to hold the baby after a feed and take yourself to bed to sleep. It will be ok. Keep up the good work.

I felt exactly the same OP, you have a big hormone crash a few days after birth as well, so be kind to yourself. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job, and it's all new, it does take time to get quicker and more confident with babygrows and feeding etc. There are some online antenatal classes streaming online if you would find them helpful, but it sounds perfectly normal that they won't settle after a feed except for on you; reading about the 4th trimester might help understand it a bit more. Please look after yourself as well, and feel free to message if you want someone to chat to.

Every new mum has felt like you do right now. It's hard work in the beginning for everyone, you're tired and emotional and it's all new for both of you. I had to stay in for three days with my last due to the fact I'm on medication and they had to monitor for withdrawal, it gets easier I promise. You're doing a good job, please don't be hard on yourself

It will be fine - we all felt like this with the first one and we all came through - and so did baby! You have had a big operation and you and baby need time to get to know each other's foibles - it will all come right - just hang on in there.

Your doing a great job I promise. You come home with this little bundle and no one tells you what it is like. You think your going to break them, your a mess or hormones and they don't give you a manual. You will find a rhythm shortly don't worry and enjoy it.

Thank you everyone it helps to know others have been in the same boat and what I’m feeling is normal. My partner is doing a great job so I do have the support there luckily.

I know your back story before your little chap was born. You’ve been through a lot. Please don’t worry about things. Both he and you are learning together, you’re a little team and he’s come along at a tricky time, globally!

No one knows what they’re doing at first. His only way to communicate is by making a racket and that will be stressful for you. It’s designed to be. You’re healing, you’re adapting to being a mum and you’re doing it in the hardest of circumstances. You’re doing brilliantly.

And may I remind you of your epic instinct that likely saved your little boy, before he was even born. That was incredible.

Give yourself time to heal and adapt, keep talking to people to tell them how you feel, have lots of snuggles with your baby and remember you’re both on the same side. You really do have this.

My baby is 7wks and I still can't wind her or dress her without thinking I've injured her. She won't settle on me and doesn't even seem to recognise me most of the time.
I assume it just clicks one day and it will all be ok in the end. Don't be so hard on yourself!

The baby is far more bonded to my DP and will sleep for hours on him. I assume this is because I was ill for the first few weeks so didn't have chance to bond with her much.

It’s so hard OP! Those first few days, weeks and even months you are just winging it.
They don’t come with a manual and everything is pretty much guess work - you just go through the routines trying different things and seeing what works for your baby.
Pretty much all newborns just want to be with you, laid on you, snuggled in. They’ve spent 9 months in your tummy, it’s a lot to expect them to suddenly lay in a cot alone.
Don’t feel bad, this is pretty much exactly what most new mums experience. Hopefully you can still get some support from your health visitors and midwifes. So glad you’ve got a supportive partner too.
Please don’t put pressure on yourself to get into any kind of a routine! Babies cry, they want cuddles a lot, they cluster feed a lot, they’re demanding little buggers! Just take it a day at a time and enjoy the newborn bubble as much as you can. Congratulations

My DD is now 1 but I remember crying at about 4am on day 4 as she wouldn't settle and seemed to have tummy ache which was obviously all my fault as I was a terrible mother and couldn't make it better for her. I sobbed hysterically whilst she farted it out and my DH cuddled us both telling me if I was a terrible mother I wouldn't be crying as I wouldn't give a shit.
I also had EMCS and it's hard to recover from that, deal with crazy hormones and nurture a new born. It will be ok you'll find what works for you and at some point you'll both get some sleep and things will seem different again

OP everything is ok, it is going to get better. My DS was the same I had to go on medication at 5 months he had the shakes and cried lots. I use to swaddle him in a tight blanket and hold him against me.
It helped a small bit. By 3 months he slept 8 hours, the formula affected his stomach badly, I didn't BF as I was still on medication. Speak to your GP about a lactose free brand.

Don't forget that your hormones are all over the place. I was emotionally very unstable for at least a month (probs not helped by sleep deprivation). Have a cry and let it out whenever you like. You will get through this and the fact you care means you're a great mum!

OP you're doing great, I promise. 3-5 days post birth your hormones go totally haywire. I remember just after ds was born I spent a whole day just crying about everything. And spent a lot of time feeling very inadequate. But hes a rough tough 2 year old now, and he and I are a little team. You will get through these first few really hard days, and find a rhythm that suits you both. Just give yourself time, be patient and kind to yourself, you and baby are both learning as you go.

On a practical level, wind can be a nightmare. My dd really likes to hang on to her wind. We found infacol helps her. You can also try gripe water. But the main thing is keep baby upright, and a combination of gentle pats and back rubs. If that doesn't work, try lying baby across your knees, face down and head supported, and gentle pats that way. Another tip is to lie them on their backs and bicycle the legs. If you imagine that you are trying to get air bubbles to work loose and travel upwards then I find that helps. Patience and gentle persistence. And hand over to dad for a turn of winding if you're struggling. You dont have to do it all, and he can walk up and down with baby while you rest, which you must do, you have a major surgery to recover from. Dont be too hard on yourself, this is possibly the toughest thing you will ever do. It will get better. I promise.

As PP have said, be kind to yourself. Pregnancy and birth are a huge physical and mental change for a woman. Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while. Everything you’re feeling is totally normal.

I felt like a failure for months after the birth of my son - for not being able to give birth naturally, for not being able to breastfeed, for him being in the NICU - but now that he is a thriving, happy, healthy 2 year old, I know I can’t have done too badly.

My DD is 5 months now and I love her to pieces. However, the first 6 weeks were so overwhelming that I thought I was going to die. I still find it hard most days.
Nothing prepares you for parenthood, no matter how wanted your baby was. My DD was conceived via IVF and we have 3 frozen embryos. I have absolutely zero intention of ever using then!

Btw I didn’t have pre- or ante-natal classes either. You don’t need them. You are going to figure things out as you go along and then look back and wonder why you ever worried about them.

This was me four month ago, c section, antibiotics and feeding baby formula. It's so bloody hard at the beginning, I also didn't feel the rush of love that I expected I would, which made me feel even more of a failure. It's shit that you can't have the family support due to lockdown. Let yourself cry and take each day as it comes, if you google you will find so many blogs and posts about how hard the newborn stage is, I recommend Scary Mommy! It seems to be a taboo for mum's not to love every minute, I was so sick of being told "treasure every moment" when I was sleep deprived, guilt ridden for not breast feeding and recovering from major surgery.

You're doing really well. It's so tough in the first few weeks. It does get easier. As a pp said, please do read about the 4th Trimester- understanding why she would only sleep on me etc really helped me cope.

You are NOT a rubbish mum. I had my children at a time when there weren’t really any pre and antenatal classes and certainly no mother and baby groups etc so I know what it feels like to be looking after that precious little baby on your own (my parents were on holiday abroad so it was myself and my husband muddling along for the first three weeks.) Yes it’s daunting and scary and I was very very nervous, tired, and weepy, and my baby seemed to spend a lot of time unsettled and crying. I think they actually pick up on your nervousness, as I was far more relaxed with my second and he seemed to be relaxed too.
Go easy on yourself-after all, you’ve had a section too! Relax and let your baby relax with you, hold him and don’t worry if that’s what it takes to make him feel comfortable and at ease. The one positive thing about this lockdown is that you won’t have any visitors so you don’t have to be worrying about the state of your house! Don’t bother with housework, don’t worry about anything except getting to know your baby and him getting to know you. Dressing and feeding and winding him will all come to you-relax! It’s a huge learning curve but you’ll be absolutely fine. You are NOT a rubbish mum, you are a new mum, getting to know your baby. It’s great that you have a supportive partner, by the way. Between you, you have this!

Please don’t worry, you and your feelings and your baby sound completely normal. Newborns are often unpredictable and never seem to do what you want them too. The cluster feeding is normal, just feed him whenever you think he’s hungry. It does get easier as they get older and settle into more of a routine and you get more confidence.

I can't imagine what it is like to give birth at this time. Congratulations and sending love.

Firstly, a cesarian is major surgery. Your body has been through it and you need to acknowledge this. Physically you have recovery to do.

I cried for the first two weeks (baby now 11 weeks) following a traumatic birth and I had the luxury of my family here. I struggled to feed too.

Has your baby been checked properly for a tongue tie? Did the ward support you with feeding positions? The clustering is likely normal as they are getting the colostrum out.

Has your milk come in?

I expressed and formula fed for the first few weeks. I now mainly breast feed by my goodness I put pressure on myself it was awful.

Do what you need to do but if you do want to give breast milk, get a breast pump (can the ward loan one?) to support this.

I have the hand medula pump and find it better than their electric swing one. It saved my sanity in those early weeks as did rectifying the tongue tie.

Fed is best and good luck. Xx