Feel like I'm setting DD up to fail.

[oliviaskies]

With this going on, I've been a lot tighter with my money, and it's got me thinking about how once my DD is an adult, she's going to be completely alone. She's asking for driving lessons for her birthday after quarantine, which I can't afford. Even if I can scrape the money together for lessons, there's no chance I would be able to contribute any money for a car or insurance. Once she goes to uni she'll be on her own - I definitely won't have the funds to give her literally any money. Reading through threads on here where so many people buy their kids cars, pay uni accommodation or food bill has me thinking I've just failed. I haven't even got any savings I can give her.

AIBU to think I should've done more?

Don't beat yourself up about this.
My DH received zero financial help from his parents, no driving lessons, no car, no university costs, no house deposit, nothing. In fact at times he was helping his Mum pay the mortgage with money he earned with weekend jobs.
He has incredible resilience, is financially completely independent and money savvy to boot.
He bought his own house at 26, his own car at 17 and has never needed a penny from anyone.
Trust in your daughter, help her get money savvy and show her that financial independence is an admirable goal.

Even if you had done more that might not necessarily have been a good thing, I'm lucky enough to work for my family business bit haven't always done (was kind of asked to join when the men of the family didn't step up). Before I started working with him my dad never helped me and he is wealthy not hugely so but always been in the top 2% of income. I did go to private school until I was 16.
Having to stand on my own feet means I have a sense of self assurance and confidence, also I am actually a lot better at being a business leader because I can relate to people as I have had low paid jobs.
What I'm trying to say is money isn't everything also I wish my parents particularly my dad had given me more unconditional love and attention than money.
That's not to say being broke isn't soul destroying I've been there.

Give yourself a break op. You did your best. Not everyone gets the same breaks!

I've been absurdly poor but currently comfortable. I would love it to have been otherwise but it simply wasn't, very little to do with me. Myriad variables involved, almost all out of my power.

You've loved her and brought her up to the very best of your ability. That's no small thing

The ones set up to fail are those that are given everything and have no understanding of the value of money or budgeting. If this is your biggest concern as to how you're failing your DD, you're doing just fine.

How olds your child op? Don’t feel bad if it’s too late, there’s ALWAYS help out there for those who need it, whether it’s grants or student loans etc. But if your dd’s still young then don’t under estimate how much a little effort goes after a long time. I’ve always been a very low earner but put £5 away every single week for my dd since she was born. When she needs the money in 2 years when she’s in uni she’ll have 5k just from that. Putting Xmas/birthday etc money away from relatives and friends has boosted that another 3k. I’ve started buying and selling stuff on eBay for the last 18 months which has made me another £350 which I’ve put into premium bonds. They’ve done well and already put the total up to 13k. Don’t get disheartened and make a little bit of effort to do ANYTHING, the smallest amount helps! I was putting money aside for uni and cars, like you. I’ve done so well with the smallest amount though, I’m thinking of setting it aside for a house deposit for her

I’ve told my DC they won’t get a car etc

And they think that’s fair enough

DS (17) was even quite cheerful when he saw how much of a student loan he could get because DH and I earn so little (We are not all hard up, but am always astounded by how well off people on MN are)

You can give her support and be there for her

That’s a lot already

It's unusual in my experience amongst myself and my friends when we were that age, but if it can't be helped it can't be helped. Don't beat yourself up

Don’t worry OP, all she needs is your love and support. I paid for my own driving lessons from my weekend job and my parents couldn’t afford to give me any money for university so I survived on student loans and holiday jobs. I understood that they couldn’t give me anything and it was fine. I have 2 degrees, a well-paying job, my own house (well a mortgage) and a family.

Don't beat yourself up. You've raised a daughter who wants to learn to drive and who is going to university. These are successes!

She can get a job though. She should probably have one now (supermarket? fruitpicking? so she can save up for a car, lessons, uni, etc). My mum paid 3/4 of my rent at uni (which is not to be sniffed at, and for which I'm grateful) and then I had to pay everything else myself by working. I paid for my own driving lessons (in the summer, couldn't afford them in term time, so didn't do my test until I was 18) and never bought a car. There are lots of rich kids at uni, or at least better off kids, and it was annoying to be the only one of my friends without all my rent paid and an allowance. But it's doable, and I made great friends from the job, and from my summer jobs.

Teaching her skills like budgeting and cooking healthily and cheaply are free ways you can help prepare her for adult life, so try these if you haven't already.

The best thing you can give your dd is your time and your help in how to get the things she wants. My parents didn't buy my first car or pay for driving lessons because I had a job at 16. I purchased my first property on my own at 25 and only received a small amount of help from my parents (£3000 for fees) and that was a 3 bed flat for £140000 with a 10% deposit. As other people have said, being handed everything does not help one bit.

I had very poor parents- they still don’t have a pot to piss in.
I delayed my university start so I could get some savings and also work experience in the field I wanted to work in. I took driving lessons during my gap year and commuted to uni rather than living in.
You haven’t failed, to me I valued the education more because I’d worked so hard to get there, rather than pissing my way through uni and dodging lectures, I worked bloody hard to get the best results and make the most of the opportunity.
Also at the end of the day, a degree isn’t as important now as it was 10 years ago- apprenticeships and vocational training seem to be highly desired and lead to some amazing careers.

She can go to a local uni. Stay home for free. Work weekends and evenings for her own beer money / save for driving lessons or car.

My parents paid for 5 driving lessons which they had saved up for over the years. I worked pt from 16 (full time over the summer) so used that money to pay for my lessons. I stayed at home for uni so not to incur as much debt and again used money from my own pt work. My parents didnt have the money. I understood that and dont resent them at all

I don't think your setting her up for failure. Just set her expectations. So you will pay x amount towards her lessons but car etc will need to be funded herself, or give her the option that you can save that money and she can have that cash if she goes to uni. Assuming her driving lessons are £40-£50 per week (nephews are roughly this for a 2 hour lesson which appears to be the norm), this could easily be her food shop money. I think my food shop would have been about 30 ish per week.

Loads of people get jobs when they are at uni and it doesn't hamper the experience. I didnt get help, I had a part time job (10-12 hrs per week) and got about £400 per month which was enough for food, bills, nights out etc. My loan paid my rent and every so often my mum did a food shop for me. Loads of people had a similar uni experience to me.

Just make sure she knows she has the option to stay at home (assuming that is an option) and she can commute or help make sure she's accessing all the funds and grants available. The biggest way to help her is to help her learn to budget correctly, how to save money on essentials (loads of threads about this on here) cash back apps, survey sites etc all can earn a little extra with very little effort!

It’s the opposite actually. You are setting her up to understand the value of money and to work hard.

She is old enough to get a job to pay for lessons and insurance etc. The car will help her drive to jobs!

Maybe in this day and age it's considered odd to work as a teen but I had a waitress job of some kind from age 14 and it taught me a fuckton of skills I never could have learned otherwise. Didn't stop me going to uni or whatever..

Mist unis discourage student cars so public transport links are good. She can always get pt work to pay for lessons etc if she chooses.

My DSis and I didn't get a lot from our DParents. We were given driving lessons, but only because a good friend of theirs was an instructor, and in return DPs did something for them, IYSWIM. Whatever you may feel your DD is missing out on, I can guarantee there are areas where she is much richer: your love, support and encouragement are priceless. I got a job when I turned 16, worked all the way through 6th form, uni, and I think it did me good. Plus I met a lot of great friends that way. I never resented my DPs for not having much - I never remember feeling 'poor', even though, looking back, I think we were. You haven't failed her, no way! Support her, help her, listen to her … that's worth so much more than writing out a cheque.

My dd is now 30. She got a pt job at 15. Put herself through uni via grants.
She has a fab job now - lives pt in Italy!! We have a fantastic relationship and she certainly hold no grudge I didn't fund her!
Stop beating yourself up op!!

I was never given those things by my parents. I went to Uni and worked weekends. Saved for my lessons/ car and bought my first property (with now DH) aged 23. First holiday I ever went on was when I could afford to pay for it myself.

33 now. Sometimes I feel a bit jealous of my peers who were/ are given everything, but tbh I never needed it.

I'll probably help my kids out more than I was, but still hoping they'll be pretty independent. My parents did all they could. They also let me live with them rent free after Uni, which contributed massively to me being able to save my mortgage deposit. So it's not all about handing over loads of cash, you can be supportive in other ways.

I wouldn't see it that way, ofcourse you want to be able to do those things but her achievements in adult hood don't solely rely on you. Not saying it will be easy but she will manage and adapt as will many of us.

I left home at 16 and had no financial support and hadn't completed high school ed. Wasn't a great start but since then I have worked for myself, learned to drive and go to Uni. I am not yet 30, I won't be setting fire to the world but life isn't bad.

You can only do what you can do OP , that is the reality.
There are more important things you can give to your daughter, such as self confidence/ healthy self esteem, knowledge that she is loved and valued, and knowledge that money isn’t the be all and end all...
A positive outlook, a can do attitude, an appreciation of what you have rather than what you don’t have , these are things you can help your daughter achieve.

Thanks everyone - not sure why voting is so mixed considering the answers here are generally the same.
DD is 17. She had a job, it was minimum wage and definitely not a lot of hours, but lost it due to the current situation. She's understandably worried about getting a new job at the moment, she had an interview and she had to cancel as she was getting sick with anxiety over going out. That money is stashed away somewhere, but as she dances a lot of it has to go towards things like shoes, which I just couldn't afford without her help. I feel awful, though, like I'm expecting her to pay for the things I should be paying for.

Just to balance things out, one of my friends has been handed everything on a plate, so to speak, by very wealthy and influential parents.
He is outwardly successful, but crippled by insecurity because he feels he’s never achieved anything for himself,or proved himself, so it goes both ways.

She won't be alone. She has you in her corner. That matters.