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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I don't want to love someone because of guilt?

42 replies

sunnyoutside1 · 12/04/2020 20:43

Hi. Nervous to post this. I've been in a relationship for just under a year and we have had a great time. I care about him a lot and so do my family, however I feel like I need to be single and focus on my university studies and making more friends (I'm 22). With this relationship that doesn't feel possible, he's very intense on having a baby and getting a mortgage, even when I've asked him to calm down it just goes round and round in circles.

I feel like I'm too young for this. He sent me a message the other day about needing to repot the plants in our flat and went on for 20 minutes about it until I eventually said I felt like we were talking like an old married couple and I didn't want to talk about bloody plant repotting. As you can tell, my fuse is running short.

However, his mum died when he was young and since then his family is a bit of a mess. His dad is an alcoholic as is his brother, and he moved away from them to escape that life but gets upset about it all a lot, understandably. I've fallen out of love with him for no real reason I suppose, but everytime I try to end it he cries and says he has nothing good in life anymore so I backtrack and feel gutted at myself for hurting him at all.

But at the end of the day I would like to be single and do uni and travel more and make more mates, I'm just too scared of hurting him to end it. Please help :(

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyoutside1 · 12/04/2020 21:54

please can someone help :( I have no advice my family love him so tell me im awful when I mention leaving him

OP posts:
Sonichu · 12/04/2020 21:56

You are incompatible. This relationship will not work.

Duckduckduck123 · 12/04/2020 21:56

You need to look after you, not your family. If you are unhappy in the relationship then you need to end it. Simple.

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 12/04/2020 21:57

Your needs and desires are very different and incompatible. Leave. It is kinder in the long term to him and you have your whole life ahead of you, enjoy it.

Pickupapenguinnnn · 12/04/2020 21:58

Bless you. You'll have to toughen up and end it. Block him if he doesn't get the message and keeps bugging you afterwards. Move on guilt free. You're incompatible.

HollowTalk · 12/04/2020 22:01

How old is he? Can't he see that you're far too young to want all that right now?

Hannah021 · 12/04/2020 22:02

I'm sorry you feel that way. After all if you dont feel for him, he needs to accepts that. It is not your fault your feelings have changed. Your priorities have changed, and i wish him the best of luck.

Uni should be ur number one priority. Get ur education in order, and hope you have a great career

HollowTalk · 12/04/2020 22:03

I think I would tell him that there's a lovely woman out there who would love what he wants - it's understandable given his sad background - but that it's not what you want at this point and that given the virus situation you think it's best to just take a break.

Embracelife · 12/04/2020 22:03

You didn't create his messy fzmily
This is not for you
You are young
Get out there
He can find someone else who is ready to settle down

Forgivenandsetfree · 12/04/2020 22:03

I mean, it's really sad, but if your heart's not in it, you can't continue this relationship, it's not fair on either of you... he will find someone soon that does want all the same things as him, settling down, whereas you need to go and explore the world!
I'm sorry, but it's not up to your family, at the end of the day. Good luck x

TerrorWig · 12/04/2020 22:04

I stayed when I shouldn’t have - I’ve made peace with that and love (most of) my life now, but I wish I’d cut my losses and pleased myself when I could.

It’s not your responsibility to be his happiness crutch.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/04/2020 22:05

You have every right to end this - please do so!

BananaPlant · 12/04/2020 22:07

You can’t stay for him and you can’t stay for your family. You need to do what’s right for you, it’s your life, no one else’s.

4amWitchingHour · 12/04/2020 22:11

If he doesn't have other things in his life that make him happy, that is HIS responsibility, not yours. It is kinder in the long run to leave - is it really fair to him to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him? This is your life, not your family's. Ending a relationship is so so hard, but you have to do it no matter what his protestations are - it will be better for BOTH of you. Spread your wings and enjoy your life :)

CheddarGorgeous · 12/04/2020 22:11

You don't need anyone's permission to end a relationship.

Especially not his.

You have no ties to him and he is not your responsibility.

muckycat · 12/04/2020 22:16

You both want different things. you are both clear on what you want. it isn't your responsibility to compromise wildly to make up for his unfortunate upbringing.

I think you should kindly speak to him and end this. When the time comes, don't take no for an answer, or agree to any begging and promising he will cool it. He will not. it might be best to wait until you are all set to move out (post lockdown) to reduce guilt tripping. your family may think a lot of him but it is not your responsibility to stay with someone who is suffocating you to appease them.

MitziK · 12/04/2020 22:16

He's pressuring you into having a baby long before you want one (even if you do actually want one ever, that is)? He's coercing you to stay in a relationship that you don't want. He won't stop badgering you about things until you give in.

Run, run the fuck away.

And then block, never ever speak to him again.

His mental health, emotional state, shitty living relatives and dead mother are not reasons for you to be forced into a life you don't want.

Janaih · 12/04/2020 22:17

When I was 18 i was in a relationship with a 28 year old man embroiled in a bitter custody dispute with his wife. It was nice to feel needed and grown up, but as I was writing a letter to his solicitor I had an epiphany that I was too young for this shit. I ended it, it was ugly but the sense of relief was overwhelming. There's no good time, just finish it asap and start living your life.

ElizabethMountbatten · 12/04/2020 22:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

SeaLettuce · 12/04/2020 22:19

Your own instincts — to concentrate on university and friendships, and that this relationship is dragging you into premature middle age — are absolutely correct, and you owe it to yourself to follow them. It’s entirely understandable that you’ve fallen out of love — he’s a clog on your heel, and you want different things. His happiness is not your responsibility, and nor is it your job to make up for his unhappy childhood — and it’s not your family’s call either way.

And he’s ‘intense’ on having a baby and a mortgage because both of those entrap you with him. Don’t fall into that trap. Harden your heart against the hysteria, and think of wasting your twenties and thirties on conversations about repotting.

If you’re struggling to do it, imagine giving in to his vision and then, in five or ten or fifteen years time, when domesticity palls on him, he suddenly decides its time to go to Cambodia, get tattoos and find himself, while you’re at home with the children that were his idea.

Good luck, OP. You’re doing the right thing.

Branleuse · 12/04/2020 22:20

breaking up with someone can be just as painful as being dumped, but sometimes you just have to do it. Be firm and resolute. He will be happy again, but you dont want the same things. I think its completely normal to want to be single and concentrate on yourself

SeaLettuce · 12/04/2020 22:21

And I am 47 and have been with my husband since our student days. At 22 we were travelling, together and apart, doing postgrad degrees, and having an irresponsible good time. I have never had a conversation about repotting with him in the almost 30 years we’ve been together.

confusedyoungthing · 12/04/2020 22:25

I felt like this when I left my ex, it was hard but I was very glad I did.

While this will be hard for him, try and help him see that it could be a good thing for him too - it may lead to him meeting someone who does want to have babies and pot plants!

Best of luck.

muckycat · 12/04/2020 22:25

I was actually thinking the same as Sealettuce He wants the cosy domesticity, marriage and children to fill a gap as he didn't have the stable childhood himself etc. if he sacrifices his young carefree years for this, I would bet that he is going to feel that omission later on which will cause problems one way or another.

Samtsirch · 12/04/2020 22:30

The best you can do is help him to access counselling or mental health support, if only to clear your own conscience so that you don’t feel guilty that you are leaving him in the lurch.
Beyond that he is not your responsibility, you would only be exacerbating his issues if you continued to give him false hope.