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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I don't want to love someone because of guilt?

42 replies

sunnyoutside1 · 12/04/2020 20:43

Hi. Nervous to post this. I've been in a relationship for just under a year and we have had a great time. I care about him a lot and so do my family, however I feel like I need to be single and focus on my university studies and making more friends (I'm 22). With this relationship that doesn't feel possible, he's very intense on having a baby and getting a mortgage, even when I've asked him to calm down it just goes round and round in circles.

I feel like I'm too young for this. He sent me a message the other day about needing to repot the plants in our flat and went on for 20 minutes about it until I eventually said I felt like we were talking like an old married couple and I didn't want to talk about bloody plant repotting. As you can tell, my fuse is running short.

However, his mum died when he was young and since then his family is a bit of a mess. His dad is an alcoholic as is his brother, and he moved away from them to escape that life but gets upset about it all a lot, understandably. I've fallen out of love with him for no real reason I suppose, but everytime I try to end it he cries and says he has nothing good in life anymore so I backtrack and feel gutted at myself for hurting him at all.

But at the end of the day I would like to be single and do uni and travel more and make more mates, I'm just too scared of hurting him to end it. Please help :(

OP posts:

Samtsirch · 12/04/2020 22:35

Also , tell your family that they are welcome to help/ befriend/ adopt him to the best of their ability, so that you can move on and live the life you want and deserve

Want2beme · 12/04/2020 22:36

In 20 years time you'll be 42. Can you imagine looking back, having spent all those years with someone that you don't even love or want to be with now, never mind spending the next 20 years feeling that way about him? That would be an awful life for you . You can't improve his life or make him happy, that's up to him to do that. He probably needs counselling, but that's his decision to make.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 12/04/2020 22:36

Your family do not have your best interests at heart !

There is no way I would encourage my DDs to of had children at 22 !! Far too young. At that age you should be travelling, having fun, trying different jobs. Thinking about possible further /post grad study.

Obviously if you has a genuine accident and wanted to proceed with the pregnancy then we would all support you .. but would never advise it if you felt you had a choice..

Leave him OP.. and live your life while you are young enough to enjoy it. Mortgages and babies can wait a long while yet .

TaTuirseOrm · 12/04/2020 22:40

You're young and deserve to live your life in any way you want before responsibilities such as children and mortgage. End it, and go live your life! I know it'll be hard, but it's your life and no-one else.

CoraPirbright · 12/04/2020 22:41

You cannot live your life for other people! It doesn’t really matter that your family love him......you don’t!! It all sounds really quite suffocating just reading your post so goodness only knows how it feels to live it!

What is your living situation? Are you isolating with him or with your family?

florababy84 · 13/04/2020 01:32

You do need to end it, but it's not going to be easy.

The thing you need to accept is that you're already not what's best for him. He's in a relationship and hoping for a lovely happy future with a person who doesn't feel excited to be with him. That's sad for him, and he deserves to be free just as you do.

The problem seems to be how you feel after you've broken up with him. The best way to do it is to cut contact after you tell him kindly that you need to break up. He'll want to talk and talk about it but you can't. The only way is to tell him kindly but firmly that you've decided the best approach is to not speak for a while. Tell your family that you're very firmly resolved and that he's lovely but you aren't interested in a future with him, so if he tries to contact them they won't give him false hope.

Write all your thoughts down in a letter if that's easier. There is no way to avoid a lot of pain and sadness in this situation, just accept that it's necessary for you both to move on and be happy.

TomTomRunner · 13/04/2020 02:05

You are not responsible for his/her/ their* happiness, he/she/they are.

Repeat throughout your life, as required *delete as applicable.

chickenyhead · 13/04/2020 02:11

It is already over.

You deserve to enjoy life to its full. Not be trapped in a miserable relationship, save that for your thirties.

Honestly, be brutal and quick. It is kinder in the long run. He knows that it is coming, just do it and get on with living. This is supposed to be the best time of your life!

chickenyhead · 13/04/2020 02:23

you could see his begging and soon to be veiled suicide threats as what they are...manipulation.

A reasonable person would not want you to continue a relationship that you don't want to, just for their benefit. Its a trap. Run away and don't look back.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/04/2020 03:13

OP, l was a bit younger than you when I was in the same situation - I stayed for over a year out of badness (my boyfriend also had a hard family life and childhood and Had a bit of a complex about shut things happening to him). The eventual split was horrible, partly because i led him to believe it was going somewhere, but also because he was so dependant on me and our future.

Life is too short. Get out now and don't feel guilty, though it won't be easy. Good luck.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/04/2020 03:15

And it's all very well you're family loving him but it'll be a fat lot of good if you stay and m have a baby and are miserable!!!

There is something about men who've had bad childhood desperately wanting babies - like they want an image of themselves to redo the life they never had. Shit reason to have a baby.

HillAreas · 13/04/2020 08:26

This is classic “cruel to be kind” territory.
The more time he wastes on you, the more opportunities to meet a woman who wants what he wants will pass him by.
You are getting in the way of his true happiness.
(This is what you tell him, btw, not me trying to make you feel bad!)
Then you walk away, cut all contact and do not look back. Everytime you blink you give him hope where there is none.
Good luck. I know how stressful it can be to be in this position

x2boys · 13/04/2020 08:40

Clearly. You are in the wrong relationship,some people might be happy with that level of domesticity at 22 others not so much ,or it might just be you can never see yourself long term with his man either way it's best to end the relationship now

BananaPlant · 13/04/2020 08:42

Why do your family want you to stay in a relationship you aren’t happy in. That’s not fair and both them and him are manipulating you. Don’t stay with someone to keep everyone else happy. You can end it, you just have to be strong and shut down any conversation about your decision.

OliviaBenson · 13/04/2020 08:49

I have an alcoholic parent and a chaotic upbringing. Google 'adult children of alcoholics' to see if anything is familiar to you. He's craving normality and stability.

But, if you don't want to settle down, that's fine. You need to end it with him and not feel guilty about that. You simply want different things.

Caterinaballerina · 13/04/2020 08:51

Are you living with him during self isolation or is this already keeping you physically apart? If so, it seems a good time to end things as you cannot be physically drawn back in. Tell him now and that you will not contact him as that’s kinder, then block him just to make sure. If you are with him you need to get to your parents and tell them you are leaving, how deep a conversation have you ever had with them about the state of the relationship? You say they like him but is that just to be supportive of you? If you just remind them you are their priority I’m sure it won’t take much to get them on the ‘side’ you want. Good luck

Pinkblueberry · 13/04/2020 08:52

Run for the hills. He can find someone else to look after him for the rest of his life - the only person who should feel guilty is him, he’s behaving completely selfishly trying to guilt trip you and pressure you into things you don’t want to do. You’re happiness is worth just as much as anyone else’s - young love should be exciting, fun and a two way street. You sound like you’re doing community service or charity work. What the hell are you going to get out of this other than boredom and misery??

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