To give rural life one last chance

[Greenandbluetomatoes]

We moved to a village a couple of years ago with young DC. The place is idyllic on paper, but we've admitted defeat, we haven't settled here, we have no friends, and have had some really hard times since moving. We're at the point where we want to draw a line under things and try for a fresh start, which will obviously be a lot easier whilst the kids are still very young.

The trouble is, this was our attempt to settle and we don't know what to do/where to go next.

We both grew up in the countryside, but rural life has some drawbacks we didn't see when we were kids, mainly social. Being in a city gave us anonymity (great as introverts!), but also the ability to make one or two friends. Being in a village (well in ours at least), everyone knows each other, and frankly isn't interested in making a new friend. It's very cliquey and if you don't fit, well you don't fit. In a city, if you don't like one mum and baby group etc, it's fine, you can go to another. Here, there's really no other choice, so we just lead a pretty solitary existence. I could cope with that, but given that everyone knows each other and seems to be friends, the only real reason is 'me', and it just makes me feel crap. I'm rubbish socially, and the anonymity of a city helps soothe all those anxieties! I'm a SAHM so don't have the social interaction of a workplace to rely on at the moment.

We would run back to the city except we really value access to the outdoors, fresh air, space, taking the kids to play in streams / to the woods on a walk, all of those things. Cities are great for many things, but I end up feeling smothered by cars, buildings and people.

So you can see the problem. Apart from the social side I feel like we could make rural life work. But maybe it's just our village, or maybe we need to ditch the village entirely and live in the arse end of nowhere alone. AIBU to give rural living another try? Just curious to hear the experience of others because if we move again, I really don't want to screw it up!

Move to a town and have the best of both worlds!

I was going to say, is there not a larger village/town where you can meet more people who are into similar things to you. Not to move to, but just to base your social life in.

You might find a town in a rural area suits you better, OP.

I live in a town with a population of approx 20k, but it's surrounded by countryside. It's big enough to be anonymous if you want, but small enough to be social if you prefer. And nowhere in town is more than a mile from open countryside.

Plenty of time to think about it though, no-one's going to be moving for a while!

Go for the happy medium and move to a small town.

How old are your children? Are they at school yet?

Whereabouts are you OP - we might be able to suggest some towns and look at?

We live in a town and have amazing countryside walks etc within a couple of miles. I'm from a big city (We moved here 8 years ago) and found it a bit quiet at first But I'm used to it now and appreciate the benefits. DH would rather we live really but I don't drive (partially sighted) and would feel isolated. Towns can be a good compromise!

We made a similar move years ago and I went through years without making ‘proper’ friends. Very depressing compared to London.
But then I stopped trying to be friends with mums at school who I actually had little in common with and started following my own interests, joining groups just outside of the village. Lo and behold, I realised an important thing: you make good friends with people who have similar interests and be open to friends from all age groups. Having children is not always enough common ground!

@Megan2018 one toddler and one due to start school in September (we had planned to move prior to school starting but obviously that's highly highly unlikely now!) so it's likely to be a move during reception year.

@sorryiasked we're in the midlands, but my DH's job is in London (he mainly works remotely which is tricky and probably not sustainable in the long run anyway). So if we're going to make a move, the logical thing to do would be to go closer to London (though the cost of housing is obviously a bit of an issue!).

We had though a town would be a logical next move to try and get the best of both worlds. It's just our hearts are sinking a bit at what we can realistically afford in a commuter town in the South.

Once your child starts school you will meet more people

I moved from London to a very rural backwater in ireland. Honestly, I settled once they started school. I really would give this a year of school before you make a decision. I used to spend almost £200 a month crying down the phone to friends in London (before internet phones, late 1990s), but once my daughter started school it honestly fell into place. Tiny country school. But she made friends. So did I.
Just give it a year is my experience.

We did this, stayed a few years and ended up moving to a small town instead surrounded by countryside, far happier.

That sounds difficult.
How often does your husband need to be in London? Could you try investigating towns with train stations but further out than prime commuter belt, if he doesn’t need to make the trip daily?
Places like Newark on the East Coast mainline Spring to mind. Pretty with comparatively good value properties and surrounded by easily accessible countryside but only 1hr 20 mins into Kings Cross.

@Greenandbluetomatoes I’d stay put and see how you find it once you have school life in the mix. You may find it makes all the difference.

We moved here 5 years ago and just started to click with people, it takes a while in small villages. We love the area and are not sociable people so it is hard to find your fit. We’ve just had a baby and it’s changed hugely though.

I’d give it a year from Sept (tbh moving for the next couple of years probably not a good idea financially if the market nosedives)

I have lived in my village ten years and not made one single friend. Hung my hopes on the school thing and it just hasn't happened for me. My face doesn't fit. I don't "get" the people and they clearly don't "get" me. I hate it, I feel lonely and regularly think about moving but resigned to thinking this is just how life will be for me.

It does sound like you need a market town.

The one I live in has 2 primary schools, an amazing secondary school and 3 independent schools (prep, boys, girls). There are two supermarkets and a high street with lots of independent shops, several restaurants and numerous pubs. Two swimming pools and 3 gyms. However, you can walk 10 minutes into glorious countryside- for which we are currently extremely grateful.

Mainline station, 2hrs into London.

Live on the edge of Worcester. Lovely countryside and a new train station with trains to London!

It doesn't even have to be a market town. As Haggis suggests a small city suburb might make you feel happier. Where I live (2hrs from London) I can walk out of my house and I am into a park which just keeps on going. Ok its not rural but it has all the outdoor space you could ever want. Turn right and I'm up into the mountains and left and I'm in the city centre. I love where I live. PM me if you want to find out more

Sometimes it can be the village rather than yourselves.
How about a village on the edge of a city or even the edge of a city?

I live in very rural area, one of the most rural in the country but in a small town, so surrounded by lovely countryside but I've managed to make lots of friends despite being on my own and quite introverted. There is always something going on, craft groups, gardening groups and so on. It certainly isn't for everyone but I can see myself settling here.

We would run back to the city except we really value access to the outdoors, fresh air, space, taking the kids to play in streams / to the woods on a walk, all of those things

Children enjoy these things when they're little but will probably be bored out of their head once they're teenagers.. woods and streams will lose their appeal.

Cities have parks.

What about the countryside where you grew up? Do you still have links there, your parents, friends? Would that work for you?

Would it help if you got a job? You would meet different people at work & be less bothered about Mum friends? I would also say that you might find it easier once your DC start school.

Go for a small town, or a suburb of a town. But either way, you will definitely start to make friends once your children start school, and with you having the advantage of being a SAHM you will be able to volunteer for all the school stuff like running a stall at the Christmas fairs, helping out with reading, helping out at cake sales etc. That's the way to make friends - help, help, help and help again!

I work during the week, but I have always helped at the weekends with school fairs, or tidying up the school garden, and also helped at any evening activities - selling drinks and popcorn at the movie nights, selling drinks at the school discos etc.

I live in a market town. Great countryside all around from my door but also big enough to have plenty of choice of social groups , schools etc.