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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give rural life one last chance

49 replies

Greenandbluetomatoes · 12/04/2020 19:46

We moved to a village a couple of years ago with young DC. The place is idyllic on paper, but we've admitted defeat, we haven't settled here, we have no friends, and have had some really hard times since moving. We're at the point where we want to draw a line under things and try for a fresh start, which will obviously be a lot easier whilst the kids are still very young.

The trouble is, this was our attempt to settle and we don't know what to do/where to go next.

We both grew up in the countryside, but rural life has some drawbacks we didn't see when we were kids, mainly social. Being in a city gave us anonymity (great as introverts!), but also the ability to make one or two friends. Being in a village (well in ours at least), everyone knows each other, and frankly isn't interested in making a new friend. It's very cliquey and if you don't fit, well you don't fit. In a city, if you don't like one mum and baby group etc, it's fine, you can go to another. Here, there's really no other choice, so we just lead a pretty solitary existence. I could cope with that, but given that everyone knows each other and seems to be friends, the only real reason is 'me', and it just makes me feel crap. I'm rubbish socially, and the anonymity of a city helps soothe all those anxieties! I'm a SAHM so don't have the social interaction of a workplace to rely on at the moment.

We would run back to the city except we really value access to the outdoors, fresh air, space, taking the kids to play in streams / to the woods on a walk, all of those things. Cities are great for many things, but I end up feeling smothered by cars, buildings and people.

So you can see the problem. Apart from the social side I feel like we could make rural life work. But maybe it's just our village, or maybe we need to ditch the village entirely and live in the arse end of nowhere alone. AIBU to give rural living another try? Just curious to hear the experience of others because if we move again, I really don't want to screw it up!

OP posts:

UnhappyMondays · 12/04/2020 22:11

How about Cheltenham or surrounding area? Good rail links to London, anonymous enough and lots to do. Plus good schools, social scene and lots of countryside all around.

CeriseClementine · 12/04/2020 22:15

Children enjoy these things when they're little but will probably be bored out of their head once they're teenagers.. woods and streams will lose their appeal

Complete rubbish that’s trotted out again and again on mn by big City-dwellers who can’t accept that not all kids long to grow up in Central London (or similar).

You could just as easily say that shops and cinemas and the ever-mentioned cultural museums will lose their appeal eventually to city kids.

Kids largely adapt to their upbringing and surroundings. The teens I know would hate to lose access to their surfing, riding and hiking (which they can hardly do in a city park) and don’t appear to be bored at all.

BubblesBuddy · 12/04/2020 22:15

What is your budget for a house? There are towns which are termed as in the SE but are well placed for rail links. Certainly within a 2 hour train journey. Several I can think of are good communities to live in. I think it’s a bit hit and miss with friends in villages. I live in one! Keep trying different community groups and join in with as much as possible. I think when your DC make friends, you will too.

optimisticpessimist01 · 12/04/2020 22:17

Moved from one of the countries biggest cities into a very large village and I haven't looked back once since. The village has a big street full of bars/restaurants/shops, is closely joined to other villages and has a reasonably big population. It still has the city feel (in terms of amenities in walking distance) but we have a much bigger home, cleaner air, parks and fields and countryside surrounding us and ultimately happier lives!

I wouldn't go back into a City, I'd look for a town/large village that has access to everything you need and a relatively large population for the best of both worlds

bigmama2020 · 12/04/2020 22:18

you will definitely start to make friends once your children start school,

I haven't so I'd say it's not a given...

ToffeeYoghurt · 12/04/2020 22:18

I think it depends on your child. I have a lot of friends who hated rural life as teenagers, others loved it.

BubblesBuddy · 12/04/2020 22:28

No. It’s not a given but it’s a stronger possibility. At least there are mums who have DC yours might play with. I’m not a fan of living in people’s pockets so I’ve never wanted new friends. Got plenty of old ones! Being involved at school, church or the local playgroup gives you a chance to meet people. Not that you can make them like you of course! If anyone is an introvert it’s never going to be easy!

alloutoffucks · 12/04/2020 22:35

In villages it is really important you fit. If I was looking for another village I would do a lot more work to find out about people living there. Go to any village social things and say you are planning to move there. Some you will fit in, others not.

alloutoffucks · 12/04/2020 22:36

@optimisticpessimist01 That almost sounds like a small town.

copycopypaste · 12/04/2020 22:40

Sounds like a town is your best bet. Somewhere a bit bigger. Villages can be great but you have to get the right one, which is difficult to find out before you move.

TheMarzipanDildo · 12/04/2020 22:49

Children enjoy these things when they're little but will probably be bored out of their head once they're teenagers.. woods and streams will lose their appeal

I don’t think this is necessarily true. I’m 20 and grew up in a tiny village in the countryside. I still think it’s lovely and look forward to going home from uni (which is in a capital city).

eddiemairswife · 12/04/2020 23:06

I live on the edge of a Midlands city. Could literally throw a stone into the Staffordshire countryside; 10 mins drive into city centre for all amenities, good ethnically diverse area.

Namechange4nowt45 · 12/04/2020 23:11

A small town by the sea! That's your answer its perfect not to be isolated, has shops, restaurants etc and the beautiful countryside

SarahAndQuack · 12/04/2020 23:15

I don't think this is about villages as opposed to towns or cities. I think you were just unlucky/a bad fit.

I grew up in a village where my parents are still viewed as outsiders despite having now lived there upwards of 30 years. It's a commuter village with a smattering of 'original' farming families, but it's also just not very friendly. I thought all villages were like that.

A couple of years ago we moved to a much more rural and remote village (for work reasons). Some people don't get on with us, which is fine, but on the whole I've been really pleasantly surprised by how much people wanted to make sure we felt welcome.

It's the same in cities IMO. I have lived in cities where I fitted in and/or everyone was friendly, and others where I felt as if I couldn't open my mouth or walk out the door without someone acting as if I was an interloper who should fuck off sharpish.

Historyofeverything1 · 12/04/2020 23:22

I live in a village just 2 miles from a market town which has the amenities we need. It also means as the children are getting older they can easily get to town without needing to be driven. They can go to the cinema, there's a choice of schools (village plus ones in market town), choice of extra curricula activities, transport links. Housing in the village is also slightly cheaper than the town. I feel we have the best of both worlds - we have country walks on our doorstep, its quieter, but also a supermarket two miles away.

Oinkypig · 12/04/2020 23:26

Was also going to suggest Worcester if you are already in the midlands. Small enough that you can walk to town and the country. I wasn’t from there, was able to make friends on my own terms and now I’ve moved home I miss it which I did not expect ( I moved for work not to move away from Worcester )

ellanwood · 12/04/2020 23:29

Sorry you've had a tough experience of village life. In your situation, I'd go for suburbs or semi rural - the outskirts of a town. That way you have countryside on your doorstep but a short drive or ride into the centre with more options. It's also better as your DC grow up - more for them to do.

Poppyfields12 · 13/04/2020 00:11

It definitely sounds like you need to be in a mid-size commuter town with good access to the outdoors. I have moved around between city and rural locations and in my experience if you don’t feel settled in a place within a year then you never will.

As an introvert I completely agree with feeling suffocated by rural life. It is nice to be able to go grocery shopping with some level of anonymity.

ProfYaffle · 13/04/2020 00:21

Another voice to add to the chorus of 'market town'. I live in a small, rural market town. Short walk in to pubs, restaurants etc (pre Corona ) we're on a main train line into London which also gives us access to the nearest Big Town. Nice mix of locals and incomers so it's friendly and inclusive.

BubblesBuddy · 13/04/2020 08:37

I find that our “settlement” (it’s not a village) is dominated by certain people who choose to be friendly with you or not. It leaves the village quite split. The village society has been formed to complain about planning applications they don’t like. Several of us have fallen foul of this. They are spiteful and mostly wrong but it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth!

We have no school, no pavements, no street lighting, no mains sewage and no pub snd no restaurant. We shouldn’t have moved here. My DDs were born here but couldn’t wait to get out. They preferred boarding school!

We do have lots of friends but not here. I have already instructed my DH that villages are not welcome at my funeral should I die and definitely no plaque for the “coal bunker” memorial in the churchyard. It’s awful! You never really know what people will be like but mostly they like “people like them”.

Original poster

Greenandbluetomatoes · 13/04/2020 11:11

Thanks everyone, it's reassuring to hear that it's not a lone experience.

The eldest of my DC goes to preschool for several hours a week, so unfortunately I don't think them starting school will change things too much. Essentially it's the same group of people who dominate at school / mum and baby group / all the other local groups I can think of . I have tried to organise meet ups with other kids for my DC as I'd always found that a good excuse to meet people in the past, and less nerve-wracking, but it's never been reciprocated. It's all the harder as I do find it a challenge to put myself out there, so it feels like a bit of a rejection. @bigmama2020 your post resonated a lot with me, it's just so hard not fitting in.

I think we've reached the point where we've made our decision to leave. I think it's the right one as both me and DH immediately felt a relief, some of that social pressure lifted immediately, feeling like we don't have to try to be something that clearly we're not any more. Of course Covid-19 has slightly stalled those plans, but at least it gives us time to think about where might work as an alternative. I will start looking into all the suggestions here. @Northernsoullover I will PM you just as soon as I figure out how to do it.

Thanks again, it's nice to feel less weird for not being ok here.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 13/04/2020 11:32

OP, your feeling of relief having made the decision tells you a lot.

I have half a dozen friends that had children attend small rural schools.

Without exception they found them dominated by a clique and the variety of friends for their children was very narrow.

They loved the area that they lived in.

Without exception, all of their children wanted to travel a good distance to attend large secondary schools with a much large mix of personalities.

Lots of great suggestions above.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/04/2020 11:45

I think to make a go of rural living you have to give it quite a long time and be willing to adapt to the culture. It probably took a decade and years of having a thick skin to feel in any way accepted in our tiny village.

I'd agree that a small town might suit you.

BubblesBuddy · 13/04/2020 14:55

I’ve been here 33 years. Still don’t fit in! I just think some places don’t work for everyone.

I think you will be relieved you have decided to move. The reason some houses in towns are more expensive is because DC can walk everywhere when they are a bit older.

We do have this vociferous complaining group in the village and they dominate. We don’t have a school and even when DC turn up at the same school, there was little mixing because some DC are not acceptable. Apparently my DD 1 wore a denim mini skirt and went to the school disco so wasn’t sufficiently cultured. Other lovely DC were also cut off. So, get out now! You have come to the right decision.

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